Dd in an abusive relationship

[mumofblu]

My dd aged 14 has bruises on her upper arms which she told me were from play fighting her bf aged the same .
Last week she told me he wasn't being nice to her and the recent bruises were from him and his mate doing something she didn't like despite her saying no . I thought she may finish it but she hasn't ,

As she is receiving counselling for a past trauma I told her counsellor who has reported it to the mash . I agree with this and am waiting over a week for the call .

Anyone been or going through this . I'm frightened that this may effect me and dd relationship which has been challenging but is now good

So hard OP. I was your daughter once and from my 14 hear old brain at the time:

• it was incredibly hard to break up with him
• chronically low self esteem was why I stayed
• parents bad mouthing him would have pushed me towards him

That said, I think its brilliant you're talking to her and have actually even noticed it is going on. Keep up the counselling and focus on building her up from home. Days out, love bombing her,restrictions on phone use.

I think you're right to address the bruised with her directly. She needs to know that isn't ok. Is he also controlling?

I would speak to school about it also of you've not already.

I would also limit their time together as much as possible, although don't tell her that's why you're doing it. Take her two and from school yourself if he is on the same transport. Keep her busy and occupied.

Report to safeguarding at school or the school nurse.

Thankyou for your responses

@YellowHpok
Thanku for sharing your experience , yes I drip feed lots of thoughts to her , he comes from a violent family and last week she came out with me for a few hours and left her phone at home on charge . He called when she got home wanting to know where she'd been and not believing her , she asked me to talk to him and I refused saying he should believe what she said and I was not going to reassure him because what I did was up to me . She was cross ofc but accepted . I also talk about how he might be like his dad ( violent , criminal activity )

@WhiteDoorBlue
Yes I have always taken her to and from school for another reason . She walks to his house after school but not allowed in ( his mum won't allow ) and I pick her up .
She is very busy , plays league football , volunteering, now starting self defence and seeing friends that arnt involved with him . He told me he was trying to get to know her out of school friends so he could go out with her when she seems them . I said that would be a better time for him to see his friends . He has told me he wants to see her all the time because he loves her .
He's a v messed up youth .
I've talked to her in conversation about
co ercive control , dv , children learning behaviour from parents examples .
She's v bright and strong minded which shows how toxic abuse is and hard to leave .
He comes to our home . I'm v tempted to ask him if he has bruises like her from their "game " to let him know I know .
I'm keeping him close .

@KangarooKenny
Haven't let school know as I assumed the call from MASH would lead to that But I will be doing that .

Thankyou again . It's terrifying

I've got photos of bruises too

Please keep him close. You need to know what's going on and if you alienate him you alienate her too. Keep her busy with family stuff and sport. Can you talk to him about things that are going on with him I'm not condoning his actions but there is a reason he wants to be with your strong stable daughter and to an extent your family too

Watch some movies and read books with your daughter which have strong male and female leads. Ask her whether she thinks the men that she admires in the movies or books would treat their wives or partners like that. Years ago girls used to say what would Madonna do? They knew she wouldn't put up with any crap. There must be self help books about abusive relationships, maybe someone here could recommend one for her.

Someone here might also be able to talk about the freedom program which is recommended for pictures of domestic violence.

@HollowTalk

I'm a feminist She knows this and I would say she is a very strong individual, with v positive female , and male role models but she's also young and flattered by this n boys attention because he has love bombed her . She knows her stuff but has difficulty applying it to herself at the moment .

I worked in a safeguarding role delivered training incl the freedom programme . Now I'm a mum struggling with the emotional element of trying to protect my daughter .

@SueDeNeem
Yes I'm keeping them both as close as I can . She told me he has a social worker that visits home but she doesn't know why . If I ask her how he is she says she doesn't know because he doesn't share his emotions .
She is fully engaged in counselling which he tells her to treat like a police interview : say nothing ! But she ignores his advice .

I know about him and his life because I've been tipped off . The lad is v expensively dressed but not treated at all well and my dd recognises his dad as a thug but is loyal to her bf .

It's a process that I recognise but hard to watch