Why can't kind children be rewarded?

[Poppik]

Has anyone been in a situation where you have seen someone who bullied your child being rewarded for example as a prefect or head student or for other prestigious awards? Or vice versa, lovely children who just never get any awards ever!

Maybe it depends on the children, I know of many lovely children who became prefects and head boy/girl. In schools i've been in it is based on interviews, they get the role if they seem the most competent and appropriate for it.

Also people change and grow up, 11/12 year olds who displayed bad behaviour in the past, maybe because of immaturity or negative personal circumstances, might then mature into sensible and kind 16 year olds. And it would be unfair to judge someone forever for behaviour from when they were a child.

Maybe the "lovely" children who were never mean, have no leadership skills or confidence for public speaking. Maybe despite being lovely, they are stuggling academically and therefore shouldn't be given extra responsibilities that take away from their learning time. Maybe they are uncharasmatic in interviews and were too quiet to make any impression of being capable to lead and represent the school.

Maybe the children who were unpleasant in the past and who have matured are naturally good leaders who perform well when given responsibility.

At our school, prefects run study groups for younger children who are stuggling or need help with homework and some help in a 'peer of confidence' role where they talk to students who are behaving badly and who dont interact with staff.
maybe the lovely children are the kind who have never overcome struggling in classes or behaving badly. As a result of their natural ability maybe they dont have the skills to pass on, about how to learn when you find learning difficult.

Sometimes it just isn't the right role for them, and its not about over rewarding bad behaviour, to the detriment of the 'lovely' kids.

It’s a sad fact of life that bully’s always (in the short term at least) win.

It's sad 😔

There will always be perceived unfairness in awards and it can cut deep with children.

I tried to frame it to ds as school is an place for education and development. You don't get awards for being great if you were always great, you get them if you were previously below average and move to great through effort and development.

So someone getting an award for getting a A when they were previously a C grade student is deserved more that someone who was always A grade.

It is like (some) work environments - you get a pay rise/promotion/award if you exceed what is expected of you, not just meet it. Personally, I don't think it hurts them to learn they don't get awards unless it is a significant change from their own baseline.

ds was an A grade student, well behaved, kind etc student all the way through school and was never rewarded for it other than the personal satisfaction of good grades. The awards he got were for things that took him outside his comfort zone - public speaking, mentoring younger children, excelling at a work experience placement etc.

Yes. It often knocks the confidence of the victim further. DS is a lovely caring slightly introverted young man who throughout his school years has stuck up for the underdog and generally cares more about how others feel than himself. I have had a number of parents approach me over the years to say how their own child respects his actions when they have been bullied. He is very humble and I doubt staff at school ever see him “sorting” things out. It’s a great shame but he hates being in the limelight so he remains a quiet hero.
As they are now in their late teens he frequently keeps me waiting when I pick him up from a night out while he makes sure none of the girls are left on their own. He will wait with one of the boys to make sure they are safe before he walks to meet me ( on his own) where we have arranged to pick up.
He says it doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t do it to score points. I hope he goes through life being a nice guy. Being kind shouldn’t need a reward but the occasional bit of recognition would be nice.

It’s because some schools always try to reward positive behaviour rather than punish poor behaviour. Which means that kids that are good all the time don’t get a look in. It’s lazy behaviour management and very unfair.

Not bashing at all, he sounds like a lovely young man, genuinely asking for ideas
but what recognition would you want a school to give to somebody for being a kind person, who does not like limelight?

You work on your child's resilience and internal locus of control. Are they proud of themselves, do they think they did a good job, do they believe they make the world better? Rewards are lazy and short-term. And ultimately lead to children who chase them, rather than looking for satisfaction and a sense of wellbeing based on their own thoughts and beliefs.

DD had a very popular and well-liked bully. We just focused on what she thought about herself. I was being told William couldn't possibly because it didn't sound like him. I know how it feels at the time. But honestly, focus on your child's achievements (the ones they value themselves).