Screen time limits

[WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky]

Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone here uses screen time limits on phones (iPhone in this case) to try and break this obsession with the phone!

In hindsight, I think I have given my DD13 too much freedom and allowed her to self-manage her time / responsibilities. But I'm sick to death of having to tell her to put the phone down or being angry that she hasn't done something basic but she's been on her phone.

I was thinking of turning on the limits to say, 1 hour a day, or something and discussing this with her to explain why. But wondered if anyone here has any similar experience or advice?

Am I being a dragon?
Have I been too soft in the past and created the problem? (I think so)
How do I get it back?
What do others do with their similar-age
Children?

I use the screen limits on the iPhone and family link on android.
DC are 14 and 11.
Phones also set to switch off at 9.30 pm
They don't like it but every time I have relaxed my guard they have proven they are not matured yet.
I do however have a problem with the passcode on the iPhone.
I have tried changing it to a new one and I find it resets back to the old one.
So the passcode hasn't been changed in a while which isn't a great thing IMO

I really don't think an hour a day is anywhere near enough for a 13 year old. Their social lives are their phones at that age.

Why not just have her phone set up so she can't access the internet etc. after a certain time?

I would also be mindful of a screen time. A friend of mine recently her daughter has become total addicted to her phone and the arguments, stress it is causing. She has become withdrawn over this and is having therapy. Addiction to it is terrible.

Definitely set a limit a phone should not be their social life in my opinion.

Maybe set boundary's - no phones after a certain time, or no phone until such and such completed. Screen time can be damaging.

We never had screen time limits on phones, pads, or laptops. No one got addicted. I’m not saying screen addiction isn’t real, it was just a risk we accepted and decided we’d deal with it if it happened. There isn’t really any evidence that parental screen limits prevent screen addiction anyway, it merely imho delays it until late teen/young adulthood when you can no longer control your DC.

The number of parents I see glued to their screens while their children are being ignored is ridiculously high as it is most parents most days. I think the best way is to role model not using screens all the time yourself and interacting with your children. If they are one of the unlucky predisposed to addiction, then better to find that out earlier rather than later so it can be treated and them given the tools to psychologically overcome the addiction before they reach adulthood.

Definitely set a limit a phone should not be their social life in my opinion.

Regardless of whether it should be or not, in the vast majority of cases, it is. Teenagers socialise online and taking away their phone is taking away their lifeline to their friends.

By all means set limits and don't allow phones in bedrooms overnight if you feel it's necessary - but one hour of phone use a day for a teenager is going hugely OTT. You are setting your child up to be excluded by their peers if you go down that road (I speak from experience) and it will cause huge amounts of resentment long term.

The phone will always be a huge part of how she entertains herself and how she interacts with her friends.

Instead of banning it why don't you sit down with her and explain you understand how appealing the phone is but she needs to do XYZ tasks and those need to be prioritised. How is she going to do that? Get her to come up with her own way of dealing with that. Maybe she could set an alarm, don't suggest that until she has thought about it. Far better than you dictating it because you are not laying down the law. She is making choices.

We have a no phones at the table for meal times, must be off tech 5-10 minutes before dinner to set the table, no phones for dinner and no phones whilst everything is cleared up as a family effort. We have music on when we do this.

Explain to her when it is acceptable to have the phone and when it isn't. We watch tv together and phones are on silent for that 30 minutes or an hour. No one touches their phones. We set the example.

We did have no phones in rooms overnight rules when the children were that age because we told them we understood the draw of them and sleep was important and we would just remove the temptation. All computers/tech is downstairs in our house, they have a playroom with it in so no tv in the bedroom, it is just for chilling and sleeping.

Start getting her to solve her own situations. If her phone is making her late in the morning instead of banning it altogether ask her what she thinks she can do to ensure she isn't late. Hand over responsibility to her. It is the start of her having to think these things through for themselves anyway.

I think there needs to be restrictions - my son wouid stare at iis phone 24/7 if we didn't. I take phone put if his bedroom at 9pm. He can't even brush his teeth without looking at it.. drives me mad!!

my other son uses his phone to chat to all his mates which is great. But staring at tic toc videos/ snap chats isn't.

My 12 yo doesn't have a limit on screen time. He does all homework, does Scouts, runs /does HIIT 3 times a week, never complains if I ask him to put it down to do something or go out so I see no reason to limit it.

Thanks for all the input everyone. Food for tonight and I'll mull it all over! X

Food for thought, not food for tonight! 😩

Maybe you have already decided that and I don’t want you to mull over even more but I agree with those who say teens need some restriction and supervision with phones (even many adults should have that) since addiction is so easy for them, if not inevitable, I think you already have proof of it.
I would explain the reasons and probably she will understand them cause if she is obsessed with the phone she will see the difference, less anxiety and much more time for something more real. I think one hour a day is the perfect screen time, at least for entertainment, I always set that with my DDs, also when they were older than 13. One hour a day and phone blocked one hour before bedtime until next morning. If she asks more time you can always temporarily add more screen time for school related work (just check if it’s actually for school), my DDs uses a tablet with only apps for school, still time limited, so phones are used only for entertainment or socials.
She is 13, not 17 or 18, I think you are totally on time to set phone limits, I would say that is the most common age when phone obsession happens, I reduced screen time from 2 to 1 hour a day just when my oldest was almost 13. I would explain to her you were trying to figure out how she would handle free phone use and now in light of the fact that she cannot manage it by herself you need to make some change in her best interest.

Thank you yes that all makes perfect sense.

I have had a sensible chat with her and she does agree it's becoming a problem. She says she gets distracted by it and doesn't even realise she's picked it up or how long has passed, so actually agreed that applying some limits might be beneficial as it would make her think about if she really wanted/needed to use it or if it was just habit.

Thanks again everyone 😀