Daughter and her friend

[ruthiemum2]

We moved 100miles to new home in 2019. DD (now 14.5 yrs) wanted to move, but before moving one local friend persuaded her into thinking this was a Shakespearean type tragedy. This friend is a a couple of years older than DD, didn't attend school due to anxiety (her mum a co-dependent conspirator in our opinion). Our DD seemed confident generally and had long standing friendships. This friend doesn't like DD's other friendships and seems to have cancelled them, and I feel she has talked DD into being an anxious person that doesn't think she can cope with anything. The parents of the girl don't like us since DD told them we weren't fans. I feel this family is actively encouraging our DD to skip school, live on benefits rather than pursuing a life, lose her oldest friends and is generally briefing against us, her family. DD wants to go and stay with them for holidays, do we have to say yes? Will saying no make things worse? DD thinks they are the bees-knees!

It sounds like the friend is controlling your daughter's behaviour as way of coping with her own anxiety. What does your daughter say when you bring up your concerns? I would be cautious about letting her stay but you have to be careful that you don't alienate your daughter by criticising the friend and her family too much.

Could you take your daughter out to do something that you both like together and discuss it with her? You need to adopt that technique where you explain what you've observed with completely unemotional language and then ask her to explain how she sees it and why she likes her as a friend…

You're her parents, of course you don't have to say yes!

I would do whatever it took to get your daughter away from this family. No, you don't have to agree to a holiday there. Try to have a more exciting holiday lined up as an alternative. I would try to talk to your daughter about this girl and her family and their issues. As an aside, can she now get back in touch with those friends who were cancelled?

Can you get your daughter into some activity or sport where she learns a sense of being able to do things and learn things? Martial arts, tennis, dance, learning French with a trip to Paris at a certain level of competency. Obviously depends on your budget and her interests. Horse riding tends to appeal to teenage girls but it is a very expensive sport.

My youngest when he was a teenager got into a set of friends where his mild anxiety was stoked by endless discussions of worries and so on. He convinced himself he had PTSD! (Now I am not saying anything about people who really do have PTSD which is an awful thing but he had magnified a tiny thing into a vast edifice with his friends heavily involved.) It came to a head just before a school drama performance (which fed into his overall mark for the subject) and he didn't want to go on . They were all wittering about and "being supportive". I was less supportive and told him to get his cloak on and get out there. He did and he gave a brilliant performance.

He's doing a psychology degree at university so there was an upside.

Thanks Redpanda901, I think you are right that the friend is quite a controlling influence, I know she is highly manipulative. She has had difficulty keeping friendships and only chooses younger friends, she keeps a tight grip on DD and I know she coaches DD on what to say to people over the phone. I feel like she is quietly undermining DDs confidence in herself so that she will share the same boat. I don't think its wrong not to want DD's world to become as dependent and limited as hers. I have tried talking unemotionally about this to DD, but after 3 years DD is persuaded that this friend is the only one person that can truly understand her. She has persuaded DD that she too is anxious about school and can't speak to people. Her mother is always focused on finding problems and sees herself as a great wise mother figure advising everyone, I don't think she has anything else in her life bar this delusion. They live 100miles away and have invited DD to stay for 'a few weeks' over the summer, the thought is making my soul wilt.

Thank you Sweepingeyelashes, your story is sounding a bit familiar! DD used to have lots of interests, I have suggested horse riding as she used to like that, she used to play violin, and did lots of creative writing, sigh! DD has ended up having a therapist for her anxiety issues, but 14 months in they don't seem to have made much progress. We have a holiday booked but it is only for one week, part of me thinks I should just tell this family to leave DD alone, but I fear DD would get very upset. I'll try to think up some unmissable diary dates!

I feel for you. It's so hard dealing with teens. Yes, get lots of dates in, days out, and maybe even not an outright no to your DD will help to soften the blow. You can say you'd be happy for her to meet up for a day or two but a few weeks is too much. They might end up turning your DD against you and other family.

A few weeks? At 14?! No chance.

She's 14. It can be a flat "no" even if she wanted to spend the summer on Walton's Mountain, although I would be having a frank discussion with her about your concerns. I know it's difficult, but I would also be trying to find ways of minimising any contact and promoting healthier friendships, while you still have the ability to do so.