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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help - getting 14yo more independent at getting up for school

44 replies

bathsh3ba · 16/05/2022 10:02

I'm really keen to get some ideas of the best way to resolve this issue - or whether it's even an issue at all!

My 14yo DD cannot seem to get up independently for school. No matter how many alarms I set for her or make her set for herself, she sleeps through them, or she wakes up and goes straight back to sleep.

Currently, to get her up, I wake her with a hot drink and then have to go back in and chivvy her 2-3 times to get her up in time for the bus to school. Once she is up, she is independent and gets herself ready and presentable, packs her bag, gets her own breakfast etc. It's literally the getting out of bed.

This is complicated by the fact that we live rurally. There is a designated school bus but if she misses it, there's no public transport. So the only way for her to get to school if she misses the bus is for me to drive her. I currently work from home so I don't want to have to make the 50 minute round trip to drive her when there is a bus.

We have a lights out at 9.30pm on a schoolnight rule but I know she doesn't go to sleep for a while after that. I do insist on no phones/electronics in the bedroom after that time but I can't force her to sleep!

Generally she is no trouble (a bit of eye-rolling/backchat) but can be lazy and I have to prod her for help with the housework etc.

I know comparing siblings is A Bad Thing but it doesn't help that her 12yo sister gets herself up with her own alarm and no difficulty!

My 14yo now has a Saturday job but it doesn't start till 11.30am, I still have trouble getting her up for that!

I'm not sure what to do to get her being more independent about this. I would normally follow 'discipline' based on natural consequences, so if she sleeps through, she would be late for school and face the consequences. But this has a knock on effect on me as well so I haven't been doing that but don't know if I should.

She is Y9 now and I'd really like to have this sorted before she starts her GCSE courses next year! Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
OnthePiste · 16/05/2022 19:07

Not much advice I'm afraid as my 15 year old DS is exactly the same! He has 3 Alexa alarms at full volume, honestly how he can not wake is a mystery. The one thing that does wake him though is his Fitbit type watch which buzzes on his arm and that wakes him. However, I still have to chivvy him up to get out of bed. He also gets the school bus and can't miss it as I would have to drive him!

user1474315215 · 16/05/2022 19:14

I think you have to warn them that if they miss the bus they won't be getting a lift.

Madcats · 16/05/2022 19:22

At least now it isn't dark/freezing cold.... would leaving the warm drink downstairs, and leaving the room with her phone and duvet lure her out of bed?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2022 19:34

Is there absolutely no other way of her getting to school? I'm a bit of a fan of consequences. Don't know if these are possible but - cycle? Taxi paid for out of her own money? Walk and detention for late?

Greydogs123 · 16/05/2022 19:39

When you take in the drink leave with the duvet and open the curtains. If it’s not a warm and inviting space then she’s not going to stay in it. I think I would also let her miss the bus once or twice and have to pay for a taxi out of her own money or be late and get a detention. That might motivate her enough to get up when the alarm goes off.

Scoobydoobydoo · 16/05/2022 19:43

Maybe if you "disappeared" around the morning time for a walk or gym that will do the trick.
I started working from home after lockdown and my kids have become lazier in the mornings as I am around to sort their breakfast, pack lunches etc.
I often threaten I am joining the early morning class at gym so I can leave them to it

Scoobydoobydoo · 16/05/2022 19:44

I don't mind doing it most days but sometimes it would be nice if they put the milk back in the fridge or wipe their cereal crumbs off of the placemats.
I need to be assertive :-)

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 19:45

You wake her with a hot drink? Why don't you just serve her breakfast in bed!
If she doesn't get up, she's got to lost privileges of drinks in bed. And I wouldn't even bother getting her up on Saturday. If she loses her job, that's her problem. She'll have to live on pocket money which you don't increase to compensate for her lost job.
Hot drink? In our house it would've been more like cold water...and not in a glass.

Snowiscold · 16/05/2022 19:49

The hot drink has to go. Tell her the cup of tea is ready downstairs in the kitchen and it’ll be getting cold.

Bumpsadaisie · 16/05/2022 19:52

I do have to check that my almost 13 year old is awake as she just sleeps through her alarm.

I don't chivvy beyond that though. She was a bit hoped hopeless until about 6 months ago when she wandered down, her friends and her friends father (who were giving a lift to the bus that day) were kept waiting so I went outside and apologised and said they should go without DD.

Dd wandered downstairs oblivious despite several warnings and she got a big earful from DH and I about keeping her friend's father waiting and making us very anxious every morning about whether she would be ready on time.

Since then she's been much better! Now I just check she's awake, say she's got 45 mins max to get ready, then leave her to it.

Tbf she does very well at making sure she has the right stuff with her and doing her homework on time.

user1477249785 · 16/05/2022 19:54

We had this with DS. I'm afraid you have to bite the bullet and let her fail, miss the bus, be late for work. In my experience, it's the only way through

Bumpsadaisie · 16/05/2022 19:54

Yes. No hot drinks! My lovely dad did this for me and I was a nightmare in the mornings having to be chivvied as a teen.

SpottyShoes123 · 16/05/2022 20:04

I am someone who really struggles getting up in the morning and the teenage years I was particularly bad. I genuinely can switch off an alarm and go back to sleep without knowing I have done so.
But there do need to be consequences. You could refuse to take her to school, but that might be too big an effect. The other option is that there’s a consequence the next time you take her to a activity; my friends Mum once sat in the car to leave at the normal time to take her to an activity but waited 15 minutes which was how late the child had been!
Also I think at the weekend one reminder then disengage for her job-it’s a natural consequence.
It can’t be easy, good luck

sickofthisnonsense · 16/05/2022 20:04

What does she say when you talk about it later in The day?
What does she think should be happening in the mornings?

I'd go in after her alarm, open the curtains, take the duvet and leave her to it.

No discussion
No hot drink

If she misses the bus she has to ask you for a lift and looses a privilege.

The second time she misses the bus she has to phone the school and explain why she will be late

WhiskerPatrol · 16/05/2022 20:04

Just stop pandering to her. Arrange some early morning "meetings" and go out in the car for them so you're not there to take her to school if she misses the bus.

FinallyHere · 16/05/2022 21:48

What I notice about your post is that you have accepted that if DD misses the bus, you are obligated to give her a lift. I'm guessing that DD knows she will get a lift anytime she missed the bus.

PPs advice about how to demonstrate to her that this has changed and that lifts are no longer available. You will know she believes this when she gets up unprompted it's with minimal prompts.

For the record, I know that if I don't actually get up out of bed when the alarm sounds, I'm very prone to go back to sleep.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 17/05/2022 07:20

Thank you everyone. The hot drink is habit as I make one for myself and her sister, my parents always woke me with one and it doesn't stop her sister getting up! But I can see it isn't really helping her so maybe she needs to lose that privilege.

She can't walk or cycle, it's along a very busy A road. A taxi would be £25-£30 so very expensive if it happens more than once.

I like the idea of an unrelated consequence, losing phone time might do it... for some reason I've always preferred 'logical' or 'natural' consequences.

If I ask her she says she doesn't mean to sleep through, knows she has to learn but doesn't know what would work.

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 17/05/2022 07:32

I'd keep the waking her up & hot drink.
But when you wake her up
a) open curtains / windows
b) pull back duvet a bit
c) make sure she is 'awake enough'
d) have an alarm away from her bed set for 10 mins later
And yes I agree, unrelated consequence of no phone that evening

It really isn't her fault if she sleeps through the alarm. Circadian rhythms and all that, she'll grow out of it. But once she has been woken she needs to get herself up!

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2022 07:55

bathsh3ba · 17/05/2022 07:20

Thank you everyone. The hot drink is habit as I make one for myself and her sister, my parents always woke me with one and it doesn't stop her sister getting up! But I can see it isn't really helping her so maybe she needs to lose that privilege.

She can't walk or cycle, it's along a very busy A road. A taxi would be £25-£30 so very expensive if it happens more than once.

I like the idea of an unrelated consequence, losing phone time might do it... for some reason I've always preferred 'logical' or 'natural' consequences.

If I ask her she says she doesn't mean to sleep through, knows she has to learn but doesn't know what would work.

I agree re natural consequences.
When dd missed her bus, what I did was - acted as her taxi (as like you, I couldn't handle the £30!) - so she owed me an hour of her time since she'd taken an hour if mine (she washed my car), plus £5 petrol money. Plus I made the journey thoroughly unbearable ranting about stuff.

Ferngreen · 17/05/2022 08:17

Can she be dropped at a nearer to you bus stop - I did this with DS - he finally got to school at lunchtime - big improvement after that.

kimwexlerfan · 17/05/2022 08:36

Try the fit bit. Set it to go off at 10 minute intervals for half an hour before the real alarm goes off. I find it eases me out of deep sleep so I am less likely to be snoozing the actual alarm.

Beamur · 17/05/2022 08:41

I'm going to go against the grain here. Help her get up. If you're up anyway, go in her room and make sure she's awake. Open the curtains, talk loudly. Stop with the drink, it's just prolonging the cosy time in bed.
She's struggling with waking, don't make it harder. She will get there in the end.

Beamur · 17/05/2022 08:42

My DD is 14. She sets an alarm on her phone but puts the phone in a different room to charge overnight so she has to get out of bed to turn it off. This wakes her up as she's not still in bed feeling warm and sleepy!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/05/2022 08:47

A cold, wet sponge was the traditional method. 😈

Plus, what I’d do - ‘If you miss the bus, I have taken you for the last time. And if you miss school I will send a note explaining that it was because you will not get out of bed.’

CatsOperatingInGangs · 17/05/2022 08:57

If lights out is 9.30pm then I’d be turning the wifi off at 9.30pm too. If she can’t wake up it’s because she’s not had enough sleep and I think from your posts you suggest she might not be going to sleep at 9.30pm.
she could be on the internet for hours after that. Cutting off the wifi will soon get her to go to sleep at a good time for school.