Suitable Punishment 13 Year old

[MrsDWashington]

I have a 13 year old DD who has been through the mill recently with regards to some bullying at school.

Her whole friendship group ostracised her and one girl in particular wouldn't drop it. School involved and got a place at a new school and seeing school counsellor.

However people were telling me that DD is just as nasty.

Sporadically checking phone sometimes (not all the time) as I had cause for concern with all the social media bullying.

Have found messages from DD to a family member at the same school who is older and stuck up for DD when bullying was happening.

DD 2 weeks ago is having an argument with said family member over something. DD is using the word calling her a C@NT telling her she doesn't speak "Dog" instead of English and about the return of some clothes this girl has "You will give them back to me and do as I say".

Now said family member is arguing back but right at the end states Im not falling out with you, you are family.

This family has stuck up for my DD when she was bullied. I cannot help but be absolutely mortified at the way my DD is speaking.

Said family member even called her a nasty nasty girl and people are saying DD is actually the bully.

I am really at my wits end and I am struggling to cope. We have all fought for her when shes been being bullied.

Am I wrong in thinking shes just as bad? I feel like getting in my car and just driving to get away

What a horrible situation for you all!

Does she know you check her phone? There are obviously some massive issues going on for DD here. I think it's time for a sit down, calm, open discussion. You tell her exactly what you know and try and get to the bottom of it.

Don't get mad. Don't accuse her of anything. Try to keep lines of communication open and be 'curious' about why what has happened has happened. Try and be on her side. Try and support her and allow her to speak without getting cross.

This might take a long time and a number of discussions. Whilst she has been nasty and unreasonable, there will be a reason for that, and I'll bet that it stems from her feeling bad about herself or something that has happened to her.

I wish you luck!

Yes she knows I check her phone at times due to everything that has been going on.

Ive asked her does she know shes being mean and she said yes. When asked why? She replied she didn't know.

My fear is that a lot of people are saying she's just as nasty as the bullies and isn't very nice to people.

Does the behaviour seem out of character to the dd you know?

I dont agree with don't get cross in these circumstances. Absolutely let her know the emotions her behaviour results in, let her know you love her unconditionaly but you are cross, disappointed, embarrassed and incredulous by her unacceptable behaviour. Show concern for the other family member.

Asking "why" is unlikely to get you anywhere. Get her out the house, go to the beach, park, or somewhere quiet. Ask her what impact she thinks her behaviour/words had on the other person and how they felt, what they think about her and does she regret them in hindsight and how to avoid that happening in the future. Talk to her, as a young adult, about how to handle problems when she is upset, she shouldn't shy away from resolving disagreements but she needs to learn to cool off before saying or texting something in the heat of the moment. Explain how she is getting to an age where people will form a picture of her by her actions that will be difficult to change of she continues down this path, is this the type of person she wants to be known as, hot headed and abusive or calm and reliable. Tell her she can come to you when upset if she needs a non judgemental sounding board and never write anything in a text you wouldnt be happy for your mum/gran/favourite teacher to see.

Does she have a family member/role model that you trust, she can also, or might find it easier, to talk to in confidence? A favourite adult cousin/auntie/uncle/family friend/club leader. They sometimes open up to or listen more to these people than parents.

If lots of people are saying she is the bully listen to them.

It's also not uncommon for someone who has been bullied to turn and bully someone else as a way of dealing with their hurt.

That's a wretched situation. Do you have access to a private counsellor? Your dd may be bullying others but she is also being bullied. I'd seek counselling support, remove SM including WA and if things don't improve by the end of the term, I'd look for a new school.

You need tough love.

Explain to DD when she said she was being bullied you believed her. You stood up for her and fought tooth and nail for her.

However - you've heard that she in fact is also a bully. You have evidence of this with what she's said to family member.

Tell her straight that if she expects you to take her side in future and wants others to believe her she needs to make damn sure she isn't doing these things.

She needs to apologise and her phone needs removing from her for a period of time.

I know you're upset but you've made a great start in tackling this by recognising your dds behaviour and facing it head on rather than trying to excuse it due to what she's been through.