13 yo DS looking at images of girls on phone

[hazbaz]

Hi everyone

Please be kind to me, first time I’ve had to deal with a teenager. My DS is 13 and not confident at all. He has a phone and until his 13th birthday we had it locked down with family link.

My husband and I became aware he was locking himself in the bathroom and staying there for a long time, one time switching off his search history. When I questioned him he admitted one of his mates told him about being able to watch porn that way.

I had a word and explained that why curiosity is normal etc there is a lot that is not appropriate for his age and I would prefer if he waited until he was older and more mature. He agreed.

On checking his Google search history he has also been spending long periods of time looking at images of bikini clad girls. Nothing too bad but it the amount of time he is doing this that is a problem for me.

Without explaining how I knew or directly confronting him I explained that I don’t like this as it objectifies women and turns them into just a pair of boobs rather than a living breathing person with thoughts and feelings.

The problem is he’s still looking at loads of photos - am I just out of touch? Is this just what 13 yo boys do now? I work long hours in a stressful job and he does use his phone a lot to contact friends.

Any advice - is he going to develop a porn addiction or am I totally overreacting ?

Photos of girls in bikinis isn't particularly worrying at age 13 but if you're worried it will progress to porn you can use change your wifi settings to block adult content. You'll need to contact his mobile company if he has access to data. I know some of the mobile companies block adult sites as standard and the user have to prove age to access them.

You are right to have open dialogue with him about the photos and maybe you should broach porn as well. Even if he isn't looking at it himself he might see it on a friends phone. I think it's important that teens know that porn doesn't show how sex is in a normal healthy loving relationship. He might see violence and at his age he's susceptible to thinking that is how a girl wants to be treated. You should also make it clear that girls and women in porn are often mistreated and make him aware by watching it he's aiding an industry that often abuses women. That might seem heavy for a 13 year old but over time hopefully you can bring these issues up in conversation so he understands that porn use can harm people and relationships.

You can block porn on your WiFi settings but the poor lad! It's just normal at his age. Adolescent makes are going to be aroused by female bodies whether we like it or not.

And I agree that there should be a discussion around the darker (and unrealistic) side of porn.

Its the modern day equivalent of looking at the underwear section of catalogues!

The pictures sound pretty harmless but put a porn blocker on the wifi.

Hi, I've no teen sons but I guess it's normal at his age. You are right, there's a big difference between curiosity and addiction, I would explain also how much addictions of any kind are destructive and leave no space for a great healthy life.
If the problem is just the amount of time he spends on that, you could limit the screen time whit the parental control. Family Link lets you to set limits also for each app individually, so maybe an hour for chrome or the browser he uses... but anyway you should set family link to lets new apps installations only after a parent's approval otherwise he will install and use another browser, maybe in this case it's better just a global time limit of one or two hours. We used others parental controls in addition to family link cause these let you see everything displayed on their screens, they take screenshots every few seconds and you see them by your phone (I guess that would be just a big dissuasive factor for him). We use Safelagoon with this feature, Ourpact has this feature too, Bark should block any inappropriate stuff and should send parents a warning, but these are all not free ones, maybe try them for the free period and if they are a working solution just keep it going.
Anyway talking with him about that, as you already done, is the most important thing to do, I hope it will last for a short time, maybe it's just a phase.

I had a big conversation about the porn industry ,I think I put him off for life ( good!)

At 13 I'd be clamping down hard on inappropriate phone use. You pay the bill presumably , I wouldn't be paying for wank fodder for my 13 year old and would make that very clear. When he pays his own bills that's a different matter. I'd also restrict porn being able to be watched , I was able to do it via my account online .

Do be aware that it's quite easy to get round porn blockers. Not saying they're not worth doing but make sure it's in addition to talking about this stuff, not instead of.

Are school talking about porn at all?

If they are you probably need to counter it in equal or more measure as I think they are telling them porn is good in school in this country right now.

I think that’s very normal and yes the equivalent of looking at catologues back in the day. You don’t want to go too far the other way and completely repress what is essentially emerging sexual feelings etc
I’d keep an open dialogue around porn; how it’s unrealistic etc and how damaging it is and keep coming back to it

This is spot on.

Spot on.
It's a very painful stage of adolescence. I recall DS in tears over unfamiliar feelings. Lots taught at school about girls hormones but next to nothing for boys especially if they reach early puberty as mine did at 11.

Porn is very different from women in bikinis. In my day it was looking at the women's underwear section of the Littleworths catalogue.

Sounds pretty normal to me, my DS search history when about 12 or 13 was all ‘Selena Gomez bikini’.

However, there was one time we caught him looking at some very explicit pornographic photos I was shocked but spoke to him in calm detail that he had no idea whose photos there were of, as there were no faces in the pictures. For all he knew, they could have been an underage victim of sexual abuse. And even if they were of adult women, they might not be aware they were online. He claimed that a student in Year 10 emailed the link and he was curious.

After this incident, he was not allowed any unmonitored access to his iPad and his phone and search history was monitored, which was great until he discovered incognito!

When you talk to him about this, don't forget to discuss sexting and sending/asking for nudes.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/sexting-sending-nudes/

He may not realise that owning an image of someone underage and sending an indecent pic of himself while underage are both illegal.

Our school discussed sexting in year 7/8 ish in PSHE.