Teenage party-going : what are your rules?

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DS yr 10, just turned 15. Has been invited to what is his first “teen” party - ie lots of people at someone’s house one evening, drink involved. Someone at school hosting but not someone he is particularly friendly with.

So far he has been unable to tell me

• where his friend lives


• their surname (this is not unusual for DS to not know basic details about people he is at school with)


• What time the party ends / does it have an end time


• who else is going who he knows well


• any contact details

He has been able to tell me that guests are asked to bring their own alcohol, and despite never having drunk anything alcoholic beyond a sip or two of wine or beer, he would like to do this.

What is your minimum rule setting when your kids start going to parties?

I need the address evidently, as he will need a lift. I would also like to make sure I have a phone no for the parents and that they have mine - surely as a host parent you want a way to get rid of anyone being drunk/ sick / obnoxious? But perhaps not. Is that the done thing??

I don’t want him to drink spirits. I have no idea what he will drink. I don’t want him to embarrass himself, he’s not one of the cool kids and I think he could end up in bother / social media shame if he gets drunk.

I want to set an end time so I can pick him up and ensure he comes out on time - am prepared to embarrass him by going in to collect if he doesn’t respect the finish time we set. What’s reasonable?

Thanks for any help!

Full name, name and mobile of mother or father, start and finish time, address, plan on how/when to arrive.
At 15, I texted parents to check details, check if alcohol could be taken and if they were going to be there.

We all did the same, no one minded (except the kids, who were mortified, obviously )

Please don’t embarrass him.

It may be ok in some circles but in others it could cause him some real problems with his peers. It’s tough enough being that age without parents making it more difficult.

I’d give him a couple of beers or ciders to take. He doesn’t have to drink them.
I’d give him a lift and agree a time to pick up, or I’d ask him to download something like Life360 so I know where he is and he could text me a time to pick up.
I’m not worried about other parents numbers - in my experience other parents are more relaxed than me and often weren’t even in when their kids had parties.

I think my deadline would be around 1:00.
If he is late, I’d sit in the car and wait. I’d take a book. I’d be mildly put out if he didn’t respect the agreement but I’d allow a fuck up for his first party. I’d make it clear, in private probably the following day, that I expect him to be on time next time.

I hope he enjoys it OP.

Mobile numbers are pointless as you don’t really know who is texting, you need to speak to the parents if you want to check anything.

Im with @Ifeelmuchlessfat , if it turns into a huge saga then they just lie and sleep over at more relaxed parents’ houses. He’s 15, not 11.

Thank you for tips! He’s a sweet and slightly naive boy with mild ASD and I wouldn’t want to embarrass him. I am probably over protective but just want him to have a nice time without the pressure to drink and end up being sick or doing something silly.

I would expect the address and a promise from him to keep his phone on so he can be contacted, and a time I expect him home by.

I remember the absolute mortification of my mum asking to speak to the parents of someone having a party.

While sensible I think that may be seriously uncool. He might be going as a friend of a friend etc...surely adults having a large number of teens over may not want to feel they have to be responsible for all 50 teens and being a point of contact ?

Sympathies as my daughter has asd and I also worry. I think if he agrees to be contactable and yoi know where he is going that is enough?

I let my son normally take beers or ciders, I would stay away from giving him any form of hard spirit for his first party. Mainly it may be seen as disrespectful by the parents who are hosting, but also I assure you there will be spirits snuck in there anyways so best to limit how much is going around at that age.

When it comes to how strict you are with times etc. this should be up to your relationship with your child. You know how much you trust him to make the right decisions and what he normally gets up to. I usually ask our son what time he thinks is reasonable (and negotiate from there - normally 12-1) and I ask for the parents number to message them to say thank you for having my son and to contact me if they need. My deal is either the phone number or I go in with him 😂Try treat him like an adult otherwise he will just sneak around and do it anyways without you knowing. Better being in the know than in the dark!

Give him tips for moderating drinking - eg take bottles of beer/cider. When one is finished rather than immediately open the next (and the next and the next), full the bottle with water and drink that - it still looks like you're having alcohol so no loss of street cred.

Have a safe word so he can phone/text you if it's getting out of hand and he feels uncomfortable - again one that doesn't lose his street cred. Eg if he texts 'Is the dog still being sick?' you know to pick him up and he make his excuses that the dogs really ill.

Perhaps also offer him some beer/cider/wine in the evening at home, so he can get a feeling for it?

It is definitely not the thing to ask for the parents' numbers at that age, but the address is key if he needs a lift back. I rely on the fact that my DC is with friends and over the years have managed to get some of their phone numbers which I have used very occasionally when my DC has not answered a call. But if he is not sure who else is going, that won't work for you.

Last year at a 16th party at ours one parent phoned to check her DC was with us - but we had exchanged numbers years ago when they were younger. No one else checked but to be fair, we had known quite a few of the parents for some time.

Vodka or Malibu is the drink of choice round here though I refuse to buy it for my DC to take to a party - give cider or beer instead in the hope there will be less strong alcohol but probably actually makes it worse if they mix their drinks!

I think the best you can do is talk him through likely scenarios and what to do in particular cases. And make sure his phone is fully charged. Worse than having them go to a party, is to have one at your place and worry about what happens is they overdo it, break something or have sex. At a recent party where we had been specific re rooms / spaces they could use, we had to evict some kids (15, 16) from bedrooms....

I had my first party at that age, you may not be able to stop him drinking spirits. Lots of people brought their own alcohol, but there were also people who brought alcohol to put on the main drinks table, which anyone could help themselves too, and also the parents had supplied some alcohol too.

I got drunk on spirits, even though I hadn't taken any with me.

Address of party and full name of host at the bare minimum. Curfew of midnight and his phone to be kept on at all times.

We set a limit of 4% alcohol.
We drive them there and pick up until we're confident they can resist any peer pressure and manage their alcohol consumption.
There is also the golden rule they can message any time and we'll pick them up and if necessary any friends to.

My son this worked, he's allowed out overnight (although also almost 18 now)
Our daughter, absolute idiot, drinks too much and is still on the original rules with the addition of a tracker so I know if she leaves the party

Our rules were have snap maps on so I knew their location, drink only what you have taken to the party and answer your phone within minutes of me texting or I will appear at the door! Picked up from the party, unless walking home in a group. Probably slightly neurotic but it worked and they respected the rules.

DD is 15 and I make no rules because the parties she goes to aren't like what I expected.

We hosted 2 weeks ago and they all stayed over (DD and 9 15yo boys). They played Scrabble, Uno and other board games, went for a couple of hikes, took photographs of local flora and fauna, played a fantasy card game and made Smores.

I tentatively asked if they were expecting alcohol and they all said no thanks, can we have herbal teas, lime Pepsi Max and pineapple juice please.

I teach at their school and am well aware of what other 15yr olds do and remember what my peers did but somehow, my eldest hasn't gone down that path. Yet.

OP, we have a signal.
If either of the kids text & ask "how the dog is", we immediately phone back & tell them that it's not looking good & would they mind if we picked them up now.
It allows them to get out of a situation they're uncomfortable in & save face.

While this isn’t a rule for a specific party, my teens and I have a trigger word that if they text it or say it on a phone means I’ll come to them without judgement or anger.
They know they shouldn’t be messing with drugs, drinking too much, going home with people they don’t know, staying places we haven’t already agreed on etc etc. But they’re teens and if they ever make a poor choice I don’t want them to not be able to get out of a difficult situation because of their worry of how much trouble they’ll be in at home.
Anyone been drinking and planning on driving? Send me the word.
Been drinking and now feeling I’ll or out of control? Send me the word.
Someone pressuring you for sex? Send me the word.
I just hope they never need to use it, and I hope even more that they do use it if they ever feel unsafe.
Parenting teens is a difficult balance - encouraging them to be independent and have fun, while also staying safe.

I would definitely want to know parents address (which you'll need to) and check they will be around (even in a bedroom or west wing, depending on parents) for the latter part of the evening at least. And that they had mine if anything kicks off (eg some loon puts the party on facebook, dozens of kids arrive and people get antsy). And definitely set a time for pick up. All well in places your DC can get a taxi but not in rural areas/towns with no taxis, unless prebooked, after 2000.

Fascinated by the dog's not well ploy! What excuse do you use if you haven't got a dog?

He’s openly told you he’s expected to take alcohol so give him some credit! My dd only has been to parties where I’ve known the host. I have their contact number/address etc but I’ve found that actually they’re just happy to be allowed to go and so don’t push boundaries and just genuinely have a good time. In my experience as soon as they’ve witnessed one of their close mates vomiting it puts them off for life lol!