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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter 14 is making me ill.

25 replies

Inspgadget · 09/05/2022 14:38

My 14 year old daughter is making me ill.

I need some ideas/suggestions on how to manage my mental health and wellbeing and try and understand why my daughter is behaving in this way. It simply can't continue as it is.

I never expected to be in this position. She has had a good childhood.

She has ASD. That is not the cause or the reason behind ALL of her appalling behaviour.

She acts like a toddler, testing boundaries and having temper tantrums. Although, when she was a toddler, never did this. She was compliant and amenable. It is almost like she is regressing rather than maturing.

She is rude, unkind, physically and verbally abusive at home and at school.

She has been suspended again today for two days for being uncooperative and rude to staff.

I feel almost numb today, I have never told anyone how I feel about this as I am so embarrassed and ashamed of how she behaves and of some of things she has done. I know she will be judged even more and I just can't stand it.

I wonder if talking to a counsellor and telling them everything would help me.

My daughter has counsellors inside and outside of school, support workers a wellbeing officer and a supportive family.

The rest of the household have nothing.

OP posts:
Attwoodsladyfriend · 09/05/2022 14:41

What on earth makes you think that this behaviour is unrelated to her ASD??? If you hadn’t said she already had a diagnosis, I’d have said that perhaps you should pursue one.

Try seeing her behaviour as an unmet need. And perhaps read more about neurodiversity in girls

duvetdayforeveryone · 09/05/2022 14:45

Maybe she can't cope in mainstream provision and will need to go to a special school?

duvetdayforeveryone · 09/05/2022 14:49

Perhaps as well as having ASD she might have another disorder that has not been diagnosed. Oppositional defiant disorder springs to mind.

WombatNo12 · 09/05/2022 14:52

Lots of people with autism also have ADHD. Hardly anyone with one condition only has that one condition. There is a range of conditions that fit under the ND umbrella.

Definitely seek one of the support groups, either online or in rl, they will help you too.

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 14:53

Are hormones affecting her, is there a cycle to it ?
Is she at an SEN school ?

Ekerty72 · 09/05/2022 14:53

Didn’t want to read and run. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. I feel for you in a very hard and relentless situation :(

Ekerty72 · 09/05/2022 14:58

@Inspgadget have a look further down the Teenagers page for a thread called
“Parents of teens suffering with mental health issues!“

In this thread there is a link to a facebook support group which might have a few suggestions? And support for you.

Swayingpalmtrees · 09/05/2022 15:04

It sounds like you have lots of support in place for her, what are her school going to put in place to support her after this? Is she physically hitting you at home or just at school? Is she being bullied? It is the first thing I thought of when I read your message.

Beyond what is happening at school, it is really important to start taking care of yourself. Maybe you need some support as well? She has ASD she is not doing this deliberately op, and you should not feel embarrassed or ashamed at all. Please focus on caring for yourself, looking after her and consider medication/new school and more outside help and support including for you. Your MH sounds shot to pieces with the stress. Flowers

packedlunches · 09/05/2022 15:06

Attwoodsladyfriend · 09/05/2022 14:41

What on earth makes you think that this behaviour is unrelated to her ASD??? If you hadn’t said she already had a diagnosis, I’d have said that perhaps you should pursue one.

Try seeing her behaviour as an unmet need. And perhaps read more about neurodiversity in girls

Just came on to say this

Swayingpalmtrees · 09/05/2022 15:06

I would also check out what is going on on line, check all of her social media is she is on line, there are one or two that you need to be very careful of. One starting with D (not sure I can say on here) that target girls of her age. I would check out the friendships, teacher relationships. If she has been relatively okay to now, it could be her hormones which are making things much more tricky, but I wouldn't assume that without checking everything else out first.

Mariposista · 09/05/2022 15:24

adding to her SEN problems, she is whack in the middle of puberty. Hormones all over the place. So sorry OP

MissyB1 · 09/05/2022 15:28

Sorry this must be incredibly strange for you. What support do you have? Can you talk to close family members or close friends? Could you access counselling?

in terms of what’s happening to her could it be a combination of her ASD with normal teen hormones and boundary testing? It may be more pronounced in her.

MissyB1 · 09/05/2022 15:29

stressful not strange!! Sorry!

IncompleteSenten · 09/05/2022 15:36

Don't dismiss it being related to her autism.

The number of people with autism who have mental health issues is HUGE. This is because of the constant stress and the fact there's fuck all support out there. It takes its toll.

I have awful mental health and both of my sons have suffered too. To the point of being suicidal at times.

HopBamPop · 09/05/2022 15:38

Oh OP! 💙

Please access support through a therapist and maybe a ASD parent support group.

Are you saying that your dd didn't have the usual toddler tantrums?

My dd didn't either and she has signs of ASD but so far we are watchfully waiting. She has started having what I would describe as grumpy meltdowns since she turned 11.

Anon778833 · 10/05/2022 17:46

If she had ASD then she’s probably struggled her whole life with people who don’t understand her.

You are making this about you. You don’t get to do that when you have children, I’m afraid.

AledsiPad · 11/05/2022 21:57

This undoubtably IS to do with ASD, and the fact she is (presumably, due to the exclusion) stuck in a mainstream school.

Mainstream secondary schools are literal torture for people with ASD.

Marthaandthemuffins · 11/05/2022 22:05

You’re in a very stressful situation and talking about your family and home life with a counsellor would definitely be beneficial. This is too much for you to try and keep to yourself.

You can refer yourself for NHS counselling through the following link. You do not need a GP referral:

www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/what-happens-when-you-refer-yourself

Please look after yourself.

Whattodonowadays · 11/05/2022 22:12

I know what you are going through, I know this might not be an option for you but all my problems with my son ended when I took him out of school. He’s a completely different child. The school allowed him to go back to sit his gcses. X

Axahooxa · 11/05/2022 22:18

My 14 year old dd has ASD and it’s extremely challenging- i empathise completely.

EmmatheStageRat · 11/05/2022 22:25

Anon778833 · 10/05/2022 17:46

If she had ASD then she’s probably struggled her whole life with people who don’t understand her.

You are making this about you. You don’t get to do that when you have children, I’m afraid.

@MondaysChild7 , Don’t be so ridiculous; we don’t cease to exist as sentient beings when we have children. Have you never heard of secondary trauma or the analogies about the necessity for parents to fit their oxygen masks first before attending to their children?

Of course it’s about the OP; she is allowed to say she is struggling with a difficult teen. And I write as the parent of an extremely difficult teen who is registered blind and is also diagnosed with ADHD and autism with a PDA profile, plus other diagnoses. None of these on their own is a walk in the park but combined…they’re a living hell. But, by your reckoning, by my stating so I’m simply making it all about me.

Anyway, it’s a poor lesson to teach one’s children that you as a parent don’t matter; that breeds entitlement, arrogance, and a lack of social skills and empathy that could backfire spectacularly in years to come.

Violinist64 · 11/05/2022 22:29

Anon778833 · 10/05/2022 17:46

If she had ASD then she’s probably struggled her whole life with people who don’t understand her.

You are making this about you. You don’t get to do that when you have children, I’m afraid.

I don’t think the O P is making it all about her. Do you have a child with special needs yourself? I do and it can be extremely gruelling at times to say the least. The strain on the parents who struggle for years cannot be underestimated. It would be more surprising if it didn’t have an effect on mental health. O P, please try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps you could speak to the school SENCO and see what further help could be offered. You could also get in touch with the NAS. Also remember that puberty can be difficult enough for anyone but for people with ASD the problems are multiplied.

Ellie56 · 11/05/2022 22:57

@Inspgadget

You could try contacting www.mind.org.uk/

With regard to your DD -she's not having temper tantrums. She is having meltdowns because she can't cope. Disruptive behaviour like this is usually the result of unmet needs. Does your DD have an EHCP?

Anon778833 · 11/05/2022 23:10

Violinist64 · 11/05/2022 22:29

I don’t think the O P is making it all about her. Do you have a child with special needs yourself? I do and it can be extremely gruelling at times to say the least. The strain on the parents who struggle for years cannot be underestimated. It would be more surprising if it didn’t have an effect on mental health. O P, please try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps you could speak to the school SENCO and see what further help could be offered. You could also get in touch with the NAS. Also remember that puberty can be difficult enough for anyone but for people with ASD the problems are multiplied.

I do, actually - I have two children with autism. One of them has very high care needs. I had a very difficult time with her before she went into residential school when she kept attacking me, sometimes when I was driving.

I also have experience of being autistic myself and other people, including my mum not understanding me and saying there’s nothing much wrong with me and saying I’m making her ill etc. hence my view. I find it very hard to understand why the OP is being dismissive about her daughter’s autism and behaviour. The two are almost certainly linked.

Stinkypant · 07/08/2022 23:01

That’s not a helpful comment, harsh and judgemental : ( wherever there’s a disabled child there’s also a parent carer who matters too.

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