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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 year old ds struggling attending school.

17 replies

weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 13:59

Apologies if this is on the wrong board, I couldn't find an appropriate one.

My 15 year old ds ( year 10) is really struggling to go to school. He has ADHD and is medicated , but he can't seem to go for a whole week without being overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm constantly in touch with the school and always trying to put measures in place to try and make things easier for him, but it just falls away after a couple of weeks and we're back to him not wanting to go to school. There's no bullying issue and he appears to be popular amongst his peers and staff, it's just that he struggles every day to actually go.

I've had education welfare involved about his bad attendance, but no support is offered. I don't know what I'm expecting though.

His teachers all say he's fine when in school but I know he's masking. When he gets home he has to lie on his bed for a good hour to decompress and feel normal again.

This is the only issue I have with him ( apart from being messy!). He is good company, respectful and doesn't have the normal teenage bad attitude towards me and I'm grateful for that. I'm now dreading every morning, trying to get him out of bed and go to school, he just ignores my efforts until I just give up because I am at my whits end mentally and finding it really hard to cope. I'm on edge all the time that I'm going to get phone calls and letters about his attendance and dreading getting a fine.

He doesn't want to change schools and I don't think that's the answer either. The school won't do a reduced timetable for more than 6 weeks, so we're back to square one.

We have an appointment with CAHMS on Thursday, but I'm not hopeful that anything will be resolved by them, I've mentioned it loads of times in the past and they just don't offer any solutions. I've also looked at Not Fine In School, but to get any support I need to join their Facebook group, I can't be on Facebook due to past DV.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 14:09

Are you in touch with the pastoral department ?
My son had some problems and they were great, they let him do his lessons in a separate room that they have for those that can’t attend class for any reason. He did that for a while, then rejoined his classes.

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:11

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I have had them involved and they've tried to help. It goes ok for a little while, then he can't cope and wants time off.

I despair 😩

OP posts:
chickyellowcute · 09/05/2022 14:13

I have adhd and my school experience was very stressful. eventually they let me drop a couple of subjects to ease the pressure, could that be an option?

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 14:13

Have they thought of trying a reduced time table so that he’s not in all week ?
Id have another chat and ask how you can work together to keep him in eduction and in line to pass his GCSE’s.

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:16

@KangarooKenny

I have tried the reduced timetable route, but apparently it can only be done for, at the most, 6 weeks at a time as this is the law. I'm going to ask CAHMS about this at the next appointment.

A reduced timetable would help immensely, it's just getting it implemented.

OP posts:
AReallyUsefulEngine · 09/05/2022 14:17

Does DS have an EHCP? If not you should apply for an EHCNA, IPSEA have a model letter you can use. If he does you need to ask the LA for an early review.

If DS cannot attend school full time the LA should be making alternative arrangements to provide DS with a suitable, full time education.

The school won’t do a long term part time timetable because without other provision they should only be used short term with the aim of reintegration, pupils should either be in school full time or other provision arranged (either instead of the part time timetable or in addition to it).

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:17

@chickyellowcute

Thanks for understanding.

I've tried that too, but he still needs to be in school all day every day. And therein lies the problem.

OP posts:
Staynow · 09/05/2022 14:19

You say he needs to lie on his bed for an hour and decompress when he gets home and I think it's good that he recognises that need - but I wonder if having that sort of time to decompress during the school day would help too? Is there somewhere he could go during break/lunch and just be alone and chill for that time? My ds finds the library a god send for that sort of thing, just hides away in the corner to chill out. Could he go into school early when it is quiet and just have some quiet time somewhere, perhaps again in the library or if there is a quiet area for students that are struggling/have SEN etc Just somewhere with a bit of quiet where he can get his head in the right space.

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:20

@AReallyUsefulEngine

The school started an EHCP, but told me that because my ds didn't want to see a youth worker that the application couldn't go any further.
I'm not sure if that's true though. I need to look into that.

OP posts:
AReallyUsefulEngine · 09/05/2022 14:22

No, it’s not true. I strongly suggest you apply for an EHCNA yourself.

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:24

@Staynow

Thanks for the suggestion and the school have allowed him a 20 minute reset in the middle of the day. However, he seemed really confused as to when he could go and some of the subject teachers didn't seem to know what was happening. I spoke to the SENCO last week and she said she'd sort it, now I'm confused!

He needs a permanent reduced timetable, but it seems that's not possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:24

@AReallyUsefulEngine

Thankyou! That's what I thought too.

I'll get on to that ASAP.

OP posts:
AReallyUsefulEngine · 09/05/2022 14:35

He needs a permanent reduced timetable, but it seems that's not possible.

A permanent part time timetable at school on its own shouldn’t happen, because pupils should be receiving a full time education. But that doesn’t mean the only other option is attending the school full time as a full time education doesn’t necessarily mean full time at school. There are other options e.g. part time at school/part time with other provision or provision completely away from school or a school that better meets his needs (I know you said DS doesn’t want to move but part of that may be fear of the unknown and if it was a school that better meets his needs you may find he changes his mind).

KangarooKenny · 09/05/2022 14:38

Does school have a system where he can leave class, my son’s school does a red card system, so they can leave without question when it’s getting too much.

Original poster
weleasewoderick23 · 09/05/2022 14:47

Thanks for your replies.

He does have a red card to excuse him and it works mostly. To be fair, the school have tried to be accommodating, it's that ds just can't do a full week.

I'm going to apply for an EHCP and I think the answer is to split his provision between school and some other educational setting. He doesn't want to leave the school, but a couple of days somewhere else maybe the answer.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 10/05/2022 15:14

Re the exhaustion.. has he had a blood test to rule anemia / Under active thyroid etc out? Might be worth looking at

Remmy123 · 10/05/2022 15:16

Btw my son is the same I dread the mornings as he tries to get out of school pretending to be ill .. ive tried to stop pandering to him and told him to get on with it as it's getting me down. This week ge has been ok but only because he knows he has Thursday off for an appointment 😬

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