How much do you know about your teens online life?

[savehannah]

When my daughter was younger we had an understanding that I would check her phone, computer and tablet from time to time. I used to check her search and YouTube history for anything dodgy, glance at her messages to check they were from friends not randoms, and look at her gallery. I held out against social media until she was about 14 and she still has a time limit on her phone although it's pretty pointless now as she can access youtube and twitch and discord on her school computer, which I can't install parental controls onto.

When she was about 13 and starting to go through various teen issues she got really angry about me looking at her phone and now, aged nearly 16 I don't have the passwords to her phone or computer, and I hate the fact that I have literally no way of checking if she's doing anything unsafe online. She's even changed her settings so that even unread messages don't show on her lock screen. She has an Instagram account with 65 followers but hasn't accepted my request to follow her.

I'm so worried that the fact that she's so secretive means she is doing stuff online that I would be worried about. But I am also really trying to keep a good relationship going in difficult circumstances and I think if I asked to look at her phone etc she would just get angry with me and become even more secretive.

Whenever I read threads about teens' phones etc a lot of people are really judgemental about anyone who looks at their child's phone. But how are you supposed to protect them from harm, grooming, searching for dangerous stuff eg relating to self harm, suicide, eating disorders, etc if you don't ever check?

I feel like I'm being a bad parent by not being aware of what she's doing but she'd consider me a bad parent if I demanded access to her phone.

16? Yeh you need to back off a little bit. My mum would have a stroke if she saw what’s in my camera roll. By education, anyways with the ED front it’s a lot deeper than seeing pro-ana on Instagram

I don't think you can, to be honest. You bring them up as best you can, but by 16 you have to have faith that they can and will make sensible decisions.

I have a 17 yo DS and have absolutely no idea what he does online. I am assuming and hoping he simply plays FIFA with friends, etc - but presume that he also has access to sites I would be horrified at. I'm not naive enough to assume he's never looked at porn for example. But he would think I was insane if I demanded to look at his phone/internet history and would absolutely refuse - as I would have done if my DM had done at that age.

At that age I was smoking, hanging out in pubs/with boys she wouldn't have approved of, but in hindsight it was fairly mild teenage rebellion and I'm now a respectable middle aged professional woman. I'd have walked out of home if my DM had demanded to read my diary (the pre-internet equivalent of scrolling through someone's phone).

Yeah the problem is I am very aware that she has poor mental health and is not necessarily making good decisions for herself. I can live with smoking drinking etc but there are things I am aware are a possibility that she is getting involved in or researching that could have long-term or permanent negative effects. I just hate to sit back and let her do things she will regret later. I know that by knowing about them I wouldn't necessarily be able to stop them but at least I could be vigilant.

16 ? Do not check her phone. Try talking to her, take interest in her life, let her know she can speak to you and be honest without judgement or consequence and you support her. Snooping is not a way to treat a 16 year old

I understand why you might want to know what she’s doing, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to know and unfortunately you just have to trust her and be there for her as best you can outside of social media. In two years time she will be 18 and an adult, at that age plenty of teens no longer live at home. If she goes to uni for example you won’t even know whether she’s home or out at night let alone what she’s doing on her phone.

No parent can fully protect their teens from doing things they might regret later or making decisions which could have negative future consequences, I can understand you are worried but it still doesn’t mean you can invade her privacy in order to try and find out what she’s doing. There does come a point where teens and adults have the right to make decisions others see as poor or odd and you might have to accept unlike when she was a child you may not be able to stop your DD from doing that, even if it’s hard to see there is a point at which your child’s decisions are her own to make and not yours and all you can do is try and support and guide but you can no longer control.

@savehannah Smoking and drinking at 16 with MH problems? Please step in that’s not right

Even if you do start checking her phone. She will just become more secretive. Delete everything and then you have ruined her trust and possibly your relationship.

Its easy done by deleting history and snap chat deletes messages. As pp say you can only help by talking, modellling good behaviour and hope she understands you are they if needed.
Checking her phone won't stop the smoking and drinking. Just education.

@savehannah
I really understand your concerns . My Dd is now 14 . Had a phone since 11 always spot checked with her knowledge . Last year I became concerned about changes I saw in her and when I checked I was right to be concerned . It led to a massively difficult year and our relationship deteriorated because according to her I didn't trust her and checked her phone . But I was right to not trust her and I told her this . Things escalated to a suicide attempt , services becoming involved and very risky behaviour not about me phone checking but rather what I found on her phone .
Now after months she has calmed down , accepting boundaries and far more open with me . We've agreed I can check her phone but unless I become concerned I don't .

Eh?
OP had backed off? She doesn’t check anything but is worried that she should be?
Are you 16 or 17 then? Because If not, your mum checking your camera roll is totally different.

OP if you are worried about her you should check.
Sounds like your mum radar is going off and that there might be something to worry about.
I don’t think just breaking in to her devices is a brilliant way to go about it but the problem is 16 isn’t 18. There is a big maturity shift in those 2 years.
We arnt here to be best friends with our kids. We are here to protect them and guide them. That sometimes doesn’t mean harmony and friendship. At 16 she is a vulnerable child still.

I'd be worried about the smoking and drinking! Perhaps a (another?) conversation about healthy choices, including internet use. It's all you can do.

It's not that she is really smoking and drinking, though possibly that is something she is dabbling in. My point was those are things I know that teens do dabble with and it's not the end of the world or unusual. More that there are other things that worry me more.

I'm part of non-judgemental parents about checking child's phone, I believe a parents needs to check and have evidences everything is fine in order to protect and guide, at least in things that clearly could be insidious and dangerous for them (it's plenty of bad news about teens and internet).
My daughters at 16 have had the parental control installed with all the limits and monitoring activated (including text and photos), it was a mandatory condition to have the phone. We talked a lot about the reasons and I told them I wouldn't check all their stuff all the time (just occasionally), that it was a preventive measure to let me to have the possibility to check just in case, but in the end there was no other option but keep the parental control, so few arguments.
I understand now for you it's a difficult situation, you cannot turn back time, but drive out of your head any idea of being a bad parent by not being aware of what she's doing there, or just for having access to her phone. You are caring for her, you love her, this makes you a good parent.
What if you have a long talk with her explaining all the reasons for a parental control, that it's not a trust issue, bringing evidences of all the dangerous things online, and what actually means to be mature (it's not to be on the socials, it's not how you look but who you are,...)? Even adults are victims of scams, assaults or events that lead to depression, let alone teens. Maybe she will disagree with you but you should sense if she has understood you are right. Often phone addiction and socials give anxiety, after a while she could realize she is less stressed.
You can also install some parental control on the home router to block some website and/or limit the screen time, it will work on the school computer too. Anyway, ask the school about the computer, it's insane you cannot install a parental control there, they should have done that before giving it to a student.