How is your teen daughter? Mine is driving me to insanity

[Needwine999]

I cant cope, she is soooooo grumpy, if i say its black, she will says its white, nothing i say or do is right, I'm 'soooo old' and she hates everything. The days she is at college and her job I can relax , the days at home she is immense hard work. Doesnt like any of the food I have in so frequently orders herself Mc d. Wont eat most of the meals I cook either.

Im in tears some days as just cannot cope. I am drinking a glass of wine every evening now as its my only way to relax.

She is 17

I feel the same. Mine is only 14. I am having a bad day with her today.

Its just awful. Hugs OP

Totally get the ordering food too. My ex gives my dd money to make up for him being a dick. So orders food in.

I have 2 teen dd's. 15 and 16..
What was I thinking..
And teen ds's 18 and 13. Who aren't half as bad.

Am enjoying every second on the 7 yo....
I know it won't last...

Mine is 15, incredibly headstrong but has learned over the years I won’t give in so now she’s mostly pretty chilled at home. Unless she’s hungry, then all bets are off 😂

I've got two very young daughters and watching this thread with interest (and trepidation) to give me a glimpse of what is to come.

Is there anything that you all would have done differently to avoid the situation you're in now? Teens are teens aren't they? I'm dreading it.

It's one thing for her to be moody, it's another thing altogether if she's being rude and disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate that shit for a minute.

There's nothing you can do differently im afraid, my daughter was an angel for years , didn't leave my side, was all sweet and lovely then this teenage thing just appears and its pure hell.

17! I see your 17 and raise my 19yo.

Let them get on with it I say! I break my heart in private these days and hope we come thru the other side.

TBF my eldest is 30 and was much worse as a teen. So I cling on to hope as she's amazing now!

I cry in private too, I dont let her see me breaking down

Can you not sit down and try and have an honest chat with her about how she makes you feel? Could there be something bothering her? I know teens are teens but there's really no need for her to be nasty to you, and you don't deserve to feel like that in your own home.

I do think it's a hard age and probably more stresses than we know. I would turn a deaf ear to some of it but not stand for out right rudeness.
Maybe for food you could say what's for dinner but if she doesn't want it she can get her own but ask before so not wasting it or your effort.
If she's working and paying for the junk food tea I would just leave her to it, if you think about it in a year or two she might be off at Uni living on toast and super noodles.
Mine is 15 and sometimes she just doesn't fancy what I'm cooking and I let her get herself a sandwich or something else, not every day just loosening the reigns a bit.
Treat her a bit like a lodger and step back and call out the rude or personal criticism.
I would be leaving her to look after herself as well and don't fuss over her.
Apparently it's a natural phase to push away from mum but it's hurtful.

Thank you xx

Where’s Dad? Does he help with her behaviour management at all? Does she treat him like crap too? There’s a certain level of disrespect which is unacceptable OP, and you don’t deserve to be virtually abused in your own home. Does she know the affect she is having on you? Would she care if she saw how distressed you are?

Teenage girls are hard work their hormones are all over the place . My dd was like Jekyll & Hyde her moods would change that quick literally from one minute to the next . It was tiring as it made me feel like I had done something wrong when she was in a moods. She is 20 now and doesn't live at home and I miss her lots as she is great company now and we have such fun together. Your daughter will come out the other side meanwhile take advantage of the good moods and hang on in there .

My teenage DD has ASD and ADHD. Mostly it's like living with a hormonal velociraptor. Occasionally there's a little snippet of the nice person she really is which gives me some hope for the future but mostly I take a deep breath (or drink a lot of wine).

Mine will be 17 in a few weeks. She has her grumpy moments, especially when she is tired/stressed, but generally she is lovely. Polite, considerate and helpful. Occasionally, she will argue the toss with me about trivia for no obvious reason, but we tend to agree about most things so there isn't really much to argue about. Sometimes I will say something that irritates her and she looks at me as if I am the dumbest person who ever walked the planet. But most of the time, she is very sweet.

She spends a lot of time with her friends and I do really miss her when she isn't around, but I accept that that's a normal developmental stage and I'm happy that she has so many friends to hang out with. She also still spends a lot of time with us, for which we are very grateful. We talk a lot about everything - her school work, her interests, her PT job, her hopes for the future, her friends, the latest gossip etc. I like to know what's going on in her life. She is also very emotionally intelligent and tries to take an interest in what's going on for me as well.

She is more opinionated than she was when she was younger. Sometimes she will challenge me and I realise that she has a point. She is certainly assertive enough to speak up for her own needs, but she is also self aware enough to recognise that what she does has an impact on those around her. Overall, I am very grateful for the good relationship that we have, and I have no complaints!

I agree with people who say you should call out her rudeness. I say to mine that it’s ok to feel grumpy; it’s not ok to take that out on other members of the family. Also no personal comments or nastiness - she needs to know that’s not acceptable. Remind her that you are a human being with feelings too, and she is hurting you. Would she behave like that with a friend? She’s nearly an adult and needs to learn to get along, even with people who irritate her.

I wouldn’t be letting her order food in either. Mealtimes are a non-negotiable in our house.

17 year old DD is very sweet and not much trouble behaviour wise (in fact I would like her to go out a bit more). She suffers from some MH issues so when shes down it pulls me down too which I find hard. She can be a bit whiny too which grates on me a bit if I am honest but overall shes good company

13 year old DS is just finding his feet and isnt sure if hes a baby or a man yet so veers between the 2. Hes pretty well behaved but is starting to get a bit more assertive. He is pretty lazy and unmotivated so homework can be a battle but overall still fun to be around

and rudeness isn't tolerated from either of them

Hi. I get emails on parenting from this woman. A recent one might have some relevance here. This is what it said:

When you find yourself trying to resolve conflict with your teen or tween that seems to be spinning out of control, stop and ask your child this question ...
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"What do you need so that this relationship feels good?"
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You know what it feels like to be in a conflict that is spinning out of control and heading south.
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It turns into a game of pointing fingers. "You did this," says one person. And the other person says, "Oh, well you did this."
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You can feel it when it happens.
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To stop this downward cycle, ask this simple question: "What do you need so that this relationship feels good?"
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It's likely that your child will respond with something like, "I need for you to stop being a jerk!", or some other insulting statement that blames you.
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Instead of retaliating, take a deep breath and force your teen to start thinking of solutions rather than staying stuck in the problem. You can do this by clarifying your own needs with non-blaming "I statements."
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It might sound something like this:
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"I need to feel respected, and I need our family to feel like a loving unit. Sometimes, I wonder if we forget that we should treat our family members better than we treat anyone else."
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"What about you? What do you need from this relationship?"
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When you ask your teen or tween about their needs, the entire tone of the conversation changes.
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Of course, it might be something you have to repeat a few times before your child gets the hang of it, but when you shift the conversation away from blame and toward needs, you start looking for solutions and move out of the problem.
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When family members care about each other, they can almost always find ways to help each other get their needs met.
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Of course, sometimes your child is going to ask for things that are unrealistic.
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"I need you to let me stay out all night long."
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"I need you to mind your own business and just leave me alone."
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Even needs like these can be restated in ways you can help. It might sound like this:
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"Hmmm. You want to stay out all night. I can't do that, but it sounds like what you need is to be treated more like an adult. Is that it? If so, we can probably look to find ways I can give your more responsibility for your decisions and your life, and ways you can show me that you are becoming more mature and responsible."
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"Hmmm. It sounds like you need some privacy. I'm your parent, so I cannot just leave you in your room and never interact. But I bet if we brainstorm, we can find ways I can help you get a little more privacy and still feel like I'm doing my job of keeping you safe."
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Are you struggling with conflict with your teen?
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If so, shoot me an email at [email protected] and let me know. We hold theme-based workshops from time-to-time, and I'd be happy to stick you on the waitlist for the next workshop about navigating conflict with teens.

My two DDs are older now so have gone through the hell which is having a teenage DD.

The best advice I can give is to think of them as massive toddlers, because they behave in the same ways, a tendency for massive meltdowns and being unreasonable for no reason.
I obviously kept this to myself but when they’re having a meltdown imagining them a huge toddler stopped me from being angry and made me stay calm and let them just get on with it. However I did call out swearing or rudeness, just by telling them that was unacceptable. I also told them I loved them quite a bit (which was hard sometimes!).

They
do come round eventually and mine are in their late 20s now and we are really close again, so hold tight, bight your lip and stay calm. Good luck!

Grumpy is fine. Rudeness isn't. Doesn't eat meals you cook. Easy. Tell her she can cook her own from now on. I was expecting you to say she was 14/15. 17 is too old to be behaving like that imo.

I was a total nightmare at 17
I came right round by the age of 20/ 21
You are nearing the end OP, hand on tight for another couple of years and you should start to see a big shift.

It's really hard op .
Mine are through the worst now but 14 to 17 years with girls can be hard!
Their emotions are all over the place, they are push-pulling against you & home and friends & freedom.
They are stressed with school work, friends and relationships, anxiety about the planet,
dump emotional "hot potatoes" on you that they can't handle at that moment and tbh it can be very draining following them up and down the emotional rollercoaster of adolescence.
They also can mirror or
highlight flaws in ourselves, which can be hard to confront!

Some tips are:

• take a few steps back and don't take it personally, she's separating herself off from you to become an adult in her own right,

don't tolerate rudeness but be mindful that this is a stage of emotional and brain development which they can't help and it's hard for them too

• while being

sympathetic, don't follow them too far down the rabbit holes of teenage angst, your job as a parent is to remain calm and cheerful without being Pollyanna-ish, and be a stable anchor while they stumble and find their way

• keep the two way communication going and always be available in an emergency or when needed for advice, but you are not obliged to be their kicking stool on to which they offload stress

• take them out sometimes on a drive or doing an activity where you are alongside one another, like painting a wall, not face to face, so they feel comfortable talking in a relaxed environment

• if they get a bit sneery or uppity, give them a task to do which is slightly beyond their capability, like planning and booking a weekend away plus organising itinerary, or sorting a leaky bathroom pipe

• if they get difficult about food, step back and let them plan meals, shop,

cook, and clear up a bit more!

• don't forget to have some fun together, celebrate birthdays and make a fuss of them, even when they are being vile,

as they need to feel loved and to hear you say it often

• step back from arguments that are about petty things, choose your battles, keep calm and walk away rather than get involved in heated debates that go nowhere,

they get your attention when they address you in a reasonable manner

• if having an argument, listen to the emotion rather than the words, step back and resist offering specific advice (except when someone is in immediate danger!) but say more open-ended comments like, "that sounds difficult" or "what do you need from me or your dad that will help?"

• take up a hobby or an interest which boosts your own happiness so that (a) you model self care (b) you have a pleasant distraction (c) you aren't always available to tend to their every need

-read the book "Disentangled" by Lisa Damour

• apologise when you get it wrong, admit to your own failings but not to the extent you flagellate yourself!

It's ok to be flawed as long as you keep trying your best!

• hang in there, it's a marathon not a sprint, take care of your own wellbeing so you can stay calm,

and even though you feel like walking away sometimes, don't beat yourself up about it, it's totally normal as a parent to feel this way sometimes, just keep in mind that it will all get better and they will come out the other side as lovely young adults

Sorry, I don't know what happened with the formatting there!