First relationship - how to handle

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

DD is nearly 17 and in Year 12. Boy is same age and goes to the same school. They have been friends for years, and have become increasingly close over the last year or so. Over the last few months, it has been fairly clear that they were heading towards something more than friendship but dd wanted him to be the one who initiated it and he didn't want to rush it because (in his words) he didn't want to make dd feel uncomfortable or for things to be awkward if she wasn't interested, and he didn't want to ruin their friendship if it wasn't meant to be. All very sweet.

He is a lovely lad, emotionally intelligent and secure in himself without being over confident. As a friend, he has always been very caring and respectful towards dd, which bodes well. DD is also emotionally very mature, secure and self confident, and I know that she would not invest time in a relationship unless she felt it was genuinely worth the effort - she has rejected quite a few other "advances" from boys who have been interested. So overall, I am very happy for her that her first proper relationship seems to be grounded in genuine friendship and mutual respect.

They are both mindful of not wanting to rush things because they value their friendship and also don't want others in their friendship group to feel awkward. DD has said that she is confident that he will let her dictate the pace at which things progress. They are also both very busy (especially dd) and they know that it will be a challenge for them to make time to see each other.

I don't think they will rush into a sexual relationship quickly, but I also know that I probably need to have a conversation with dd sooner rather than later about taking appropriate precautions. We are very close and can generally discuss stuff openly but our discussions have all been hypothetical in the past, whereas now they won't be. Both dd and the boy are very sensible and I'm pretty sure that they will think about this for themselves anyway, but I feel like I still need to have the conversation in case they need any help sorting contraception etc. How do I initiate this respectfully, a) without patronising her and b) without giving her the impression that she should be engaging in sex when she might not be ready? It is still very early days for them, and in her mind, I think that stuff is still a little way off, but I am also aware that with teenage hormones, things can move more quickly than they might expect! Any suggestions about how best to approach this?

Are there other things that I need to talk to her about? Potential red flags for her to be aware of? Or do I just let things unfold as they happen?

Anybody?

I guess I'm gonna have to wing it then!

As you've got a good relationship with her, I'd just say for her to talk to you if she's got any questions about contraception etc.

I'd also be reiterating the issue around sending nudes etc and also about how some boys think that real sex should be like porn sex. Or expecting anal sex straight away. But also that she should enjoy sex - I know my teen would absolutely cringe about that but it's an important message.

You might also want to think about what your rules are around boyfriends staying over in your home.

Thanks for replying @MissisBoote. You've raised some good points. I expect she will roll her eyes if I talk about sending nudes, and probably tell me that she is not that stupid, but it's a conversation that probably has to be had!

DD's dad is very old fashioned about stuff like this, so doubt that she will even ask for him to stay over at this point, but it is probably worth raising.

She is definitely going to cringe as it is embarrassing talking about this kind of stuff with your mum, but I will just tell her that we have to have the conversation in order for me to fulfil my motherly duties.

To be honest I am surprised that you have not been talking to your daughter far earlier than this. My daughter is 14 and I am constantly educating her. I don't rely on the school to do this. I find watching certain dramas e.g The Maid on Netflix will show tons of red flags. Sex education is great to show genuine teen relationship problems. Watching programmes and having lots of open conversations about sex and relationships is important at a very early age. My niece in her 30's told me recently that if her Mum was as proactive as I am that she may not have been in the bad relationships she has been in.

@Theblacksheepandme , we have had lots of general, hypothetical conversations over the years. It isn't that we have never talked about this stuff before, and there is no question of us having left this to the school. It's just that we have never talked about it in the context of a real relationship that actually involves dd - previous conversations have been much more in general terms.

Both of us are fairly comfortable talking about sex and relationships in general, but I think we will both find it more difficult when it relates to dd herself. She will definitely find it cringe, and I will be more anxious about saying the wrong thing.

I always remember the line from Judy Blume
Once you've done "it'" you can't go back to holding hands

It's my mission at the moment to educate her on Menopause and Peri Menopause. My daughter doesn't roll her eyes, because we have always had open discussions ever since she was very young. If she asked me a question she always got an age appropriate answer. My husband thinks exactly the same as me and she wouldn't think twice about discussing these type of topics with him either.

To be fair, at 14, my dd didn't really roll her eyes either @Theblacksheepandme . Now she is a bit older, she will think that I'm stating the obvious and teaching her to suck eggs. Which I accept that I probably will be, but I think we do have to have the conversation again, now that there is a very real prospect of this stuff actually being applicable to her.

And yes, we have talked about peri/menopause etc. We are actually very open with each other. I just think it's different when the conversation is a bit more personal that's all.

One of the most useful things I did when my daughter was that age and embarking on her first serious relationship was to put a small pile of condoms in the bathroom cupboard and just mention to her that I'd put stuff in there in case she needed it.

No detail about the stuff, no further comment from either of us, and no teenage embarrassment (or at least none in front of me).

Good suggestion @Peach2021 . I'll do that.

Though I do feel that we will need to have a conversation as well!

Yeah it was very much about doing something before we'd had the conversation about needing to do something...but I just got a tiny bowl and put a handful in (didn't leave the packet so she wouldn't feel like I was keeping count!) and topped it up as I remembered.

I don’t know how your post has been missed by people so wanted to contribute.

your DD and her BF doing really lovely. I would just talk casually with your daughter whilst driving or walking.
Say what you said on here.

Tell her to take her time but to be realistic.
our feelings can overwhelm us.
Does she feel that she needs to be prepared for a physical relationship?
If so can she organise this by herself or does she need some support?

Be very grateful for her openness with you too 🌺

Thank you @IamEarthymama , those are really useful questions to ask. I spend a lot of time ferrying dd about in the car, so having the conversation in the car sounds like a good idea.

And yes, I am grateful that dd is so open with me. I hope that she will always feel able to talk to me about anything and know that she won't be judged.