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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Trouble at school

53 replies

motheru · 02/05/2022 23:49

Hello everyone! I am here to look for advise as I believe more heads are better than one when facing a problem. Here is a story:
My son is attending a A level school and recently had a basketball game with some kids from same school. At the end of the game he discovered one of his Apple AirPods was missing (he left it on court side under his clothes with his wallet and phone). Disappointed he went home but done research and realised he can track it through an app. So it lead him to a park where he saw the boy he played basketball with, same boy who offered to look for the piece with him after the game. He was having lunch with a girl. My son approached and asked if the boy had his piece and he said no, my son said as they are paired once he pressed the button it would ring and so by magic the other boys case magically starting ringing and inside one ear piece was making the sound. The boy passed the piece back to my son and asked my son 'so where is mine then?' Being emotionally upset due to the situation my son said how would I know and grabbed boys wallet and threw it in the river and walked off. The next day the boy found his earpiece (apparently he lost his too) and posted picture of them on social media that cleaners at the basketball place handed it to him. Next we know the boy complained to school claiming he picked my sons piece thinking it was his, and that his wallet is now gone. Following day my son said his reaction wasn't the right one really. The school made him apologise to the boy (fair enough) and gave my son hour of suspension which he is meant to sit tomorrow. I initially agreed he will attend it to hopefully dampen the situation as boys on the same team and I offered through impartial member of school to relay to boys mother I will happily replace the wallet my son damaged as I didn't really want this to go any further. I was given mothers email and emailed her my apology and offered to compensate for the wallet. The reply was.... the wallet and the contents was worth £1.5 K as it contained his Hong Kong Student Octopus card which was valid until end of 2023 and had £500 on it. She also charged me for any future expenses that arise as he won't be able to get that card replaced. Long story short after some research looks like the mom is telling porky pies about that card. Now I even doubt there was other things in that wallet she claims were in there. I have not responded to the mother but I have a plan of what to do next. First is told my son not to attend that detention as the other boy should be there as well. I have more in mind but would like to hear your comments and ideas of what you would do in this situation? Thank you

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 03/05/2022 05:52

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 05:27

As I said, you are obsessing about the other boy when you should be focused on your son. Your son should be your priority.

You are not helping your child IMO.

I agree. Sounds like the other boy took it so stole it but your son completely overreacted. Focus on why he did this and why he thought it was ok to do this.

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 05:53

The sexual abuse analogy is wrong. If I lose an item, then get the item back, there is no harm done. If someone is sexually assaulted, the harm can't be undone.

If your son had thrown the wallet in a field and the other boy got it back unharmed there would be no case to answer.

But your son threw it into water. However much you protest, that is what your son did. It was criminal damage.

You're not helping your son by trying to blame the other boy.

Autienotnaughtie · 03/05/2022 05:57

Thes no proof the other boy stole his air pod. He could have genuinely thought it was his. Your son threw his wallet in a river so detention is fair. Send her enough money to buy a new wallet ignore the rest.

Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 05:58

CJsGoldfish · 03/05/2022 05:44

So my son has to sit the detention while the other boy who stole his things shouldn't?

There is absolutely no evidence that this boy 'stole' your sons airpod. Sounds like he thought it was his and when he realised it wasn't, he gave it straight back.

Your son is at fault OP. There is no getting around that and he needs to do his detention and you need to look into helping him with his anger issue.
I don't think the other parents would be wrong at all to involve the police.

Yes there is no direct evidence but his explanation of he picket it up and thought is was his doesn't fly with me either. Let's say he did pick it up and thought it was his, he could have only found it on the day my son lost it, thought it was his and continued with the game. Then my son said after the game, hey anyone seen the piece, one is missing, so if that boy found it earlier and now my son missing one wouldn't you think hey May be the one I found just half an hour ago is actually not mine but the other boys one so i
Should say something. Instead he kept quiet and helped my son to look for his missing piece ? It just doesn't make sense to me. I see the reason he said nothing is because he was hoping it was his (as he lost one as well) and instead of checking he just kept quiet just to be caught out later by my son though tracking device of his piece. You can't argue there and gotta give it back, won't you? So that's if we give that boy benefit of a doubt. I just cannot see another way the boy was confused about it, do you?

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 03/05/2022 06:02

It doesn't matter it's ambiguous and the school have chosen to take his story your son needs to sit his punishment and leave the other boy to it. You offered to pay for wallet, it would be a good idea to do so to keep peace but upto you. I would pay extras though.

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:05

You're not listening to anyone.

Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 06:06

SD1978 · 03/05/2022 05:47

The other boy lost an air pod. He as far as he was aware, found his air pod. Your son lost one (somehow) and didn't find his. Why would the other boy be obliged to tell your son he found, what you can only assume, was his property? The only 'fact' you have is your son had a strop after getting his property back and threw another kids wallet in a river. He needs to accept the punishment and you need to stop focusing on whether the other boy needs punishment or not. You know your son does.

Yes there is no direct evidence but his explanation of he picket it up and thought is was his doesn't fly with me either. Let's say he did pick it up and thought it was his, he could have only found it on the day my son lost it, thought it was his and continued with the game. Then my son said after the game, hey anyone seen the piece, one is missing, so if that boy found it earlier and now my son missing one wouldn't you think hey May be the one I found just half an hour ago is actually not mine but the other boys one as they all identical so i
Should say something. Instead he kept quiet and helped my son to look for his missing piece ? It just doesn't make sense to me. I see the reason he said nothing is because he was hoping it was his (as he lost one as well) and instead of checking he just kept quiet just to be caught out later by my son though tracking device of his piece. You can't argue there and gotta give it back, won't you? So that's if we give that boy benefit of a doubt. I just cannot see another way the boy was confused about it, do you?

OP posts:
Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 06:14

PAFMO · 03/05/2022 05:48

You are focussing on something you have no control over, and nor should you. You have few facts and a lot of conjecture on your own part about the other family.

What the other boy said may have been true.
You'll never know.
You do know that your own son damaged another person's property. On purpose.

I do find it rather odd that the school has given a student a detention for something which appears to have taken place off school premises and not in school time. I don't imagine many schools have the time or resources to do that. Is the detention definitely for the incident of him damaging the wallet?

The compensation claim from the mother sounds excessive, though I suppose you have no idea how much cash, or how valuable itself the ruined wallet was.

Your analogy about sexual abuse is irrelevant and ridiculous.

I know I just feel like my son is getting punished (fair enough as he did the wrong thing) while the other boy who's story just doesn't make sense is fine and nothing is done about him. What if he really did take it and was hoping to keep it, but instead of just my son being punished he is not, it's just not right. Moreover the mum is demanding 1.5K when if you dig deep there is no way he son could have even had the card she claims as you have to be in full time education in HOnk Kong to have that type of card... so I am supposed to just take her word for it and ignore the facts? Why should I believe anything else she claiming was in the wallet was there if the other thing doesn't even seem to be true

OP posts:
historygeek · 03/05/2022 06:27

You can't ask for the other boy to be punished because of how his mother behaved.
Your son acted like a a spoilt brat and your responses on this thread are showing exactly why. He needs to face the consequences of his actions.
Maybe the other boy DID steal the airpod. Maybe the mum is trying to scam you... but it doesn't matter because you cannot affect the actions of another. You can, however, teach your son how to react appropriately in future- telling him not to go to the detention is teaching him that if he runs to mummy she'll sort all of his problems out. That's not life.

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:29
  1. Your son did what he is being punished for - and needs to not do that sort of thing going forwards as he will put himself at risk of a criminal record
  1. The other boy may or may not have done what you think he did, but your son has got his airpod back anyway
  1. No one thinks you should pay £1500 for this Hong Kong travel card

You are focused on the wrong boy.

Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 06:30

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:05

You're not listening to anyone.

You know at first I was like... my son done wrong, he should sit his detention and squash this, just like everyone else here is saying. Interestingly, when I told this same story to males, all of them said no way, that boy is lucky he didn't get beaten up (extreme I know but the point is from the story they concluded that the boy did take my sons piece on purpose as their explanation doesn't make sense. And now mother demanding all that money when her demands don't make sense as what she claims was in the wallet the boy was not eligible to have, the type of card and the money gets refunded to another card in case it gets lost or damaged minus a small fee. So now I am thinking the mother is lying, trying to make mOney off this situation (Wallet cost was only £36 apparently). So how am I suppose to believe her son when in my head his explanation doesn't make sense?!

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:33

I feel sorry for your son because you're letting him down. There's no reasoning with you.

Lucky not to get beaten up??? Wow.

Stellamar · 03/05/2022 06:38

Your son threw someone's wallet in a river. It was a deliberate act and the boy has lost money and property and has a huge amount of hassle to replace ID and so on. It's right that your son should have a detention for that. Don't try to get him out of it.

As you have said, the AirPods are identical so it's really very easy to get them mixed up. It's plausible that the boy made a mistake, and he did give the airpod back to your son. So your son has not lost anything in the end. The other boy has. I can understand the reasoning behind the decision.

Support the school, teach your son to modify his own behaviour, perhaps mark the AirPods with his initials or better yet, don't take such items to school.

Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 06:39

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:29

  1. Your son did what he is being punished for - and needs to not do that sort of thing going forwards as he will put himself at risk of a criminal record
  1. The other boy may or may not have done what you think he did, but your son has got his airpod back anyway
  1. No one thinks you should pay £1500 for this Hong Kong travel card

You are focused on the wrong boy.

  1. I agree he did wrong I told him that and explained to him that in the future he should learn to control his emotions and walk away as it can her him in trouble
  2. Yes he did get his things back, so did the other boy next day presumably by tracking his just like my son did but that still doesn't mean he tried to lie about the whole thing and the school shouldn't investigate his side of story?
  3. I am definitely not paying that! But that's now calling his mum a liar so my plan is to go to head teacher and how the email and all the research I done on it. I am not sure yet how to reply to his mother about it without openly calling her a liar ...
OP posts:
Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 06:42

carefullycourageous · 03/05/2022 06:33

I feel sorry for your son because you're letting him down. There's no reasoning with you.

Lucky not to get beaten up??? Wow.

Look I didn't say I agree with beating the boy, but a lot of guys I asked about it all said that the story doesn't make sense to them and some boys reactions could have been worse, I am personally very happy my son didn't do that but I am not happy he threw boys thing in the river either, I told him from the start he got his thing back and he should have just walked away as acting emotions like that can get him in a lot of trouble

OP posts:
1mumm · 03/05/2022 06:51

Sounds like you know a lot of ignorant men. Don’t aspire to emulate their intellectual faults.

RestingPandaFace · 03/05/2022 07:03

motheru · 03/05/2022 06:39

  1. I agree he did wrong I told him that and explained to him that in the future he should learn to control his emotions and walk away as it can her him in trouble
  2. Yes he did get his things back, so did the other boy next day presumably by tracking his just like my son did but that still doesn't mean he tried to lie about the whole thing and the school shouldn't investigate his side of story?
  3. I am definitely not paying that! But that's now calling his mum a liar so my plan is to go to head teacher and how the email and all the research I done on it. I am not sure yet how to reply to his mother about it without openly calling her a liar ...
Show quote history

You can send her a link for the replacement card and say Hi, Good news, you can get the card
replaced for $70 I will send you that plus the cost of the wallet.

Your soon needs to sit his detention though. You aren’t responsible for the other boy, but your son did wrong and needs to accept the consequences.

Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 07:49

Want to thank everyone for their options and advice. I decided he will sit his detention to learn that those things don't go unpunished just in case my lecture about what he did wrong wasn't enough and to keep school happy. I am still refusing to pay what the mum demands to be honest! I attached a breakdown of costs she sent to me! What you guys think?

Trouble at school
OP posts:
Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 07:49

Continuing

Trouble at school
OP posts:
Original poster
motheru · 03/05/2022 07:50

Last one

Trouble at school
OP posts:
Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 03/05/2022 08:08

Hi OP
I have a lot of experience of dealing with these sorts of incidents in school. Many many times things seem unfair and students seem to be punished who didn't really deserve it.Schools are not prefect.
But my point is what does your son think? At his age he should be able to accept he did something wrong which you said he did, and take the detention. It shouldn't be such a big deal. Let him become more independent.
Obviously this advice doesn't apply to the wallet. His school by the way are preparing for exams and may not have much capacity to talk to you right now. If you are UK based that is.

SimpleShootingWeekend · 03/05/2022 08:29

The whole story sounds shady. Your ds carefully hid his things under his clothes with his AirPods in the case so he KNEW one had been stolen but he trailed about looking for it and he also knew he could get it to make a noise through the pairing but didn’t bother and the same boy who “stole” it inexplicably hung about to “help” and even though they scoured the gym they didn’t find the missing airpod but the cleaner did. And losing an airpod and getting it back induces such a level of emotion that he steals someone’s wallet and destroys it and it’s irreplaceable and ballache to replace contents. I have KNOW IDEA why you keep likening it to being sexually assaulted. He lost his airpod for a day and got it back - it’s not a sexual assault or anything like one. I think the story is three quarters bollocks and having a 17/18yo who thinks stealing a wallet and chucking it in a river is a proportionate response to not losing and airpod is your problem, not some women who you don’t even know going on about an octopus card. If I’d had my wallet stolen and chucked in a river I’d want it replaced too and I wouldn’t be thinking “it’s fine- he was emotional”.

Frogslegsbigfeet · 03/05/2022 08:44

Oh op.you’re behaviour is worse than your sons. You are continuing to throw unfounded accusations at this boy and demanding he is punished, you are doing your son no favours.

look into replacing the Hong Kong Oyster card, see if it’s possible, And get it replaced. If you can’t then you need to pay.

your sons reaction was horrific but yours is worse

withacherryonthetop · 03/05/2022 08:58

Op listen to other posters. Your son was really in the wrong. He threw a wallet in the river. I’m not sure why school are involving themselves in what happened elsewhere but I think your ds needs a consequence. I also don’t understand how you’re likening losing an airpod for a day to sexual assault- it’s alarming.

the other boy was lucky not to be beaten up? For losing his own airpod so taking your ds’ thinking it was his and then giving it back when it beeped? I don’t understand why you think this boy is so dreadful. The only thing I understand is that you shouldn’t have to pay £1.5k that’s ridiculous. As pp have said just reply and say here is the £70 for the replaced card and also however much the wallet was.

jamoncrumpets · 03/05/2022 09:07

OP it sounds like you need to maybe hear this in really clear bullet points so here goes

That other boy and his mum might well be shits but he's NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Your son was also a bit of a shit. THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.

Do the right thing in offering to replace the card thingy and then have no further contact with the boy or his mother ever again.

Done.