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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Ds's behaviour and new 'friends'

16 replies

Theyrealltaken · 01/05/2022 16:42

Advice please... Am I doing the right thing or are there other ways to deal with my son's behaviour?

Basically since my son (16) started in year 11 he has started to hang around with a load of what I call chavs! He has only just started going out with a group of friends, he used to be happy to stay in on his pc. A couple of the lads go to his school but they all know people from other schools in the area and sometimes there are a group of 50 of them roaming the streets.

I've had nothing but trouble with him since before Christmas, he even got beaten up by 5 lads and we had to get the police involved. I don't have any trouble as such with him at home, he's not rude to me or anything, he's fairly well behaved but most recently he got his phone confiscated at school for messing with it in lesson and he called his teacher a 'fucking bender'. To say I'm mortified is an understatement and this is just the last straw. I've taken the phone off him, which I only bought him a couple of months ago, and given his old phone back and told him that until he finds new friends he won't be allowed out.

The list of things he's done/that have happened since before Christmas include being late for school, constant detentions, stealing the covers from emergency stop buttons on trams (he will be on CCTV), drinking, smoking weed, vaping, constantly getting things stolen from him by so-called friends including almost getting his phone stolen last week by some chav who snatched it from him and punched him in the chest! His friend was threatened with a knife because he has a nice watch that someone wanted and my son was stabbed in the chest with a compass twice and hit across the legs with a metal rod (in school!!!) for something that happened outside of school.

I'm at the end of my rope really, obviously I am now ruining his life and he's telling friends he will start to walk out or sneak out if I try to keep him in

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Theyrealltaken · 01/05/2022 16:43

Oh and some of the lads he goes around with are shoplifters

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twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 13:59

I'm sorry to read this you must be very worried about the new friendships .

I'm mum to a Dd who is did the same last year . She's improving now and I remind myself of a conversation I had with a friend who has olders

If they have solid roots they branch out before you see regrowth and green shots .

He'll work it all out , if he's not like them and it sounds like he isn't he'll soon look for others like him

Tough for parents at this stage

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 14:04

Just to add we confiscated the phone and tried to keep in which didn't work for us . She would disappear without the phone so we had no idea where she was and trying to keep her in resulted in aggression.

We did encourage her to continue organised activities, she loves football and see childhood friends and she soon drifted away from them

twoblueskies · 02/05/2022 14:12

The best advice I could give is stay calm ( not easy I know ) don't criticise the friendships , keep friendly and curious , eg how is that friend you have that does ? ( in my case it would be the friend s who got arrested , had a fight , been banned from town for shoplifting, always spoke with , how are they doing question ? ) .

Be his friend not his enemy and anything he does well praise praise praise .

I gave my dd her phone back and told her it was because I felt I could trust her now because she came back home in time .

It isn't easy but it sounds like he's testing the water after lockdown

NewGardenProject · 02/05/2022 14:34

YANBU to be worried but YABU to use the term “Chav” - it’s very classist OP.

ImNotBeingFunnyBut123 · 02/05/2022 14:36

You'll get a bollocking on here OP for using the C word... just ignore it. We all know exactly what chavs are and YES they exist!

savoycabbage · 02/05/2022 14:40

Has he got his GCSEs in three weeks?

Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:34

Yeah he has

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Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:38

We live in a deprived area, we are working class and so are most families around here. I would honestly call my son a chav at the moment with his present and past behaviour and the majority of the people he knocks around with are definitely chavs. I do use the word in a half joking way but (sorry not sorry) this is what they are, I don't know how else to describe kids (or adults for that matter) who go out looking for fights, destroying public property, carrying knives, swearing at adults, drinking, stealing etc etc

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Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:45

Sorry, my 'yeah he has' comment was in reply to the GCSE question. His first exam is in 2 weeks. I have told him he is to spend his free time from now until his last exam studying because he's a bit behind in a couple of subjects and needs certain grades for his college course.

We had a talk today and I told him he could have 1 or 2 friends over for a couple of hours at the weekends.

I've spoken to a couple of different people at work about this who have had similar problems with their kids, one just let it ride and eventually their son decided to distance himself from the group he was with and the other parent said she just stopped doing things for her kids (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) and left them to it and they also came around. My concern here is that in the meantime my son could end up either arrested or stabbed and left in a ditch so I really feel like I don't have much of a choice but to keep him in. I feel so awful cutting off his social life though!

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Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:47

Also I am a single parent, his dad lives around the corner but tbh is as much use as a chocolate fireguard with actual parenting stuff. He will back me up but he only see's him for a couple of hours a week.

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JudyGemstone · 02/05/2022 16:54

I wouldn’t call your sons friends chavs to his face, it makes you sound like a snob and will alienate him.

You need to pick your battles. tbh I’m not so bothered about drinking/weed/vaping, pretty typical teen stuff.

absolutely no way to knives, aggression to other kids or teachers though.

MarshmallowSwede · 02/05/2022 16:56

Show him some prison documentaries as that’s where he is heading.

Not UK or European prisons.. whip out some docs of American prisons to strike the fear in him.

This is a moment where “tough love” is needed.

Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:57

JudyGemstone · 02/05/2022 16:54

I wouldn’t call your sons friends chavs to his face, it makes you sound like a snob and will alienate him.

You need to pick your battles. tbh I’m not so bothered about drinking/weed/vaping, pretty typical teen stuff.

absolutely no way to knives, aggression to other kids or teachers though.

Same mostly tbh, I do allow him to vape and I'm not super concerned about the drinking and smoking weed on their own, I'm sure the majority of teens his age and even younger have tried it, I know I did, but everything else added onto that is definitely not average teen behaviour imo

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Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 16:59

MarshmallowSwede · 02/05/2022 16:56

Show him some prison documentaries as that’s where he is heading.

Not UK or European prisons.. whip out some docs of American prisons to strike the fear in him.

This is a moment where “tough love” is needed.

I don't even know if this would affect him, he said to me last night 'I won't get stabbed but if I do it will be my problem not yours'. Flabbergasted...

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Theyrealltaken · 02/05/2022 17:01

I also spoke to him about his saying he would walk out or sneak out and he looked mortified and said he won't so I'm pretty sure that was just big talk to his mates, which is a relief.

Maybe when he has finished his exams he can get a job to keep him busy until he starts college and I'm hoping he'll make new friends there when he starts

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