So much backstory but I hate long OPs so i am going to try and be spare in my summary. This might lead to drip feeding later - sorry in advance!
DD (16) has always been prickly and difficult - even as a toddler. She obviously has her moments and on the rare occasions I penetrate the porcupine exterior, there is sadness and vulnerability there. She is is also smart, funny and has a big heart - lots to love but lots to struggle with. Part of her behaviour is down to her personality - she just is who she is - but a lot of it has been shaped by the way DH and I have interacted over the last few years. Without going into too much details, we have been in a very bad place and had a lot to deal with including three 'natural' bereavements, financial loss and a further avoidable close bereavement . DH has coped with this by drinking too much, which has led to him being angry and verbally aggressive at times. He is also - by nature - someone who sees things in black and white and think discipline and punishment are the default responses to any bad behaviour - he has historically reacted to DD's bad behaviour by dishing out a random punishment - usually taking her phone. He is quite emotionally basic.... This is all balanced out by being someone she can talk to openly and honestly a lot of things that most teens might hide from their dad but they have a relationship of extremes. Either they are super close or at loggerheads.
In the last year, DH has now taken huge steps to break his cycle of anger - he has stopped drinking and is far calmer, but, the damage to DD has been done. He is now far more measured and tolerant but still quite extreme by nature - so for example DD is a bit rude and he will threaten to take her phone and ground her for a month - and has form for being quite over-bearing and shouty when he finally loses his temper. I counter this by being too soft and effectively undermining him in order to trying and redress the balance, and then he is annoyed at me for not supporting him. I find it hard to support him when I think he is over-reacting and on it goes....
The net result of this is that DD is full of rage. She is angry with me for not protecting her and her DB better, from DH's shouting when it was at its worst . She is angry at DH for not being more emotionally mature and a better role model. She is angry at both of us wasted days, weeks, months that were ruined by family conflict. She is angry with the whole world. She is angry at the fact that she is angry. She feels cheated of her happiness.
For the past year - due to the huge efforts made by DH (whose previous behaviour i am NOT defending) things could have been hugely improved. But DD is angry by this change as well - as though we are all pretending the past never happened - we are not. DH has acknowledged and apologised but he is still not perfect, and this is not enough for DD. She wants to turn the clock back and for him to 'do better'.
DD now has so much rage that she can't contain it. She is defiant way beyond the scope of a normal teen, she is confrontational even when she knows it is likely to escalate into a full blown row and she seems determined to push a now far more passive DH for days on end until he finally blows and loses his temper. Then she points the finger saying 'see, nothing has changed'.
She is seeing a councillor who has told her that her anger is understandable and this seems to have given her a message that her rage can go unchecked. I agree that her anger is understandable but I was hoping for some help with unpacking it, and managing it. But things seem to be escalating.
And now, she has become physically violent with me. The first time it happened we were both so shocked that i held and cuddled whilst she sobbed her 'sorry' at me, but this has happened three times now. She has got in my face and prodded by chest hard enough to bruise, she has pulled my hair and punched my arm. If I try to remove myself from the situation, she stands in the doorway goading me to hit her (I never would)
It happened again this morning and was really nasty. She now upstairs sobbing because I have told her that she has crossed a line and my compassion is done for the moment and that she can't go out this weekend. . She is telling me that her friendships are her only release from how much she hates being at home and by depriving her that opportunity, I am making everything even worse. She is probably right that she will feel even more angry, but I believe she has crossed a line and needs boundaries or how does she learn that anger is one thing, and I am prepared to work through that with her, but violence is never acceptable.
And then once this weekend is done, how the fuck do I move this forward? I don't have much confidence in her councillor who seems to just say everything DD wants to hear but then again, I might be in denial and perhaps all of this is justified and I need to accept that we've broken her beyond repair.
DH's doesn't even know about her being physical with me. I can't see how him knowing (and becoming furious) will help anyone.
I feel broken and shit and like the worst mother in the world. Any advice very gratefully received.