Stressed out re teenage son

[kateshair]

If anyone has any words of wisdom I'd like to hear them. I am so worried about the 13 yr old son, he's having a really hard time at school. He went to a new school in Sept - had a rocky start then seemed to make some friends. All was well till about a month ago he became increasingly withdrawn, saying he didnt like school. When pressed he just said it was boring.

He was going to medical room at school saying he was unwell I would have to go and collect him, after he had done this twice I knew something was really up. Turns out new group of mates - one or two have turned on him, kicking him out of group chat, calling him nasty names, spreading rumours to humiliate him. He's quite a quiet lad - though was crazy as a toddler /younger boy. He also quite small for his age I think all these factors are contributing to the bullying (also I will admit he is sensitive )- only child .

I really am worried, He has a dad but he's pretty useless, he see's him once a week and he doesnt take him anywhere. Just plonks him in front of the xbox. I'm starting to really stress about this :(( its really awful to see him suffer.

Any one, any advice/experience would really be a comfort to me..

I really don't know if I have any advice for you but hopefully a bump and some solidarity as my ds is struggling too.
Hope things improve for your ds 😔

Would he do something like scouts or football training ?
what does he like doing ?

Oh bless him. Why did he change schools? Does he have any friends out of school?

The problem is the LOUD kid me always make a bee line for new comers, they are often the fickle kids and quickly move on to someone else new - you know the ‘must have first’ kids - first to get a game first to be in the dinner hall first to sit at the front first to see a film - those are the ones to actively avoid!!

These aren’t his tribe- his tube are sitting in the middle quietly getting in with their work, their are the ones doing chess club or coding club at lunch times - not yelling at each other on the football pitch!

direct him to the quieter kids who go unnoticed.

Encourage him to join different clubs and meet new people.

Wish him luck!

That is so tough and I do not have any advice to offer I am afraid just solidarity that parenting teens is full of really tough times. Can you have a chat to the school? Why did he change schools and is he in contact with any of his other mates? I relocated DS last year as he went into 6th form (40 miles away) and he is a quiet lad but it has really brought him out of his shell. He still keeps in contact with his old pals via gaming. I hope things improve for your DS soon 😔

I'm sorry you are both going through this. It's a horrible situation to be in.

I'd try school first. See if he can move form to a class with nicer/ quieter/ geekier boys maybe?

Definitely look at things like Cadets to build up friendships away from school.

It's good that he is talking to you. If you know what is happening you can try and help

I took my son out of school when I finally became aware of long term bullying within his so called friendship group. Drastic but he is so much happier. Sleeps properly, cheerful again, regained his confidence . He was older so we home schooled short term with some tutoring. If I'd found out in Y7/8 I would have looked at moving school if necessary.

Good luck , I hope you manage to improve things for your son.

Please speak to the school/head of year too. The school should have an anti bullying policy. They also have a duty of care to keep hom safe. Good luck. Hate bullying.

I had some terrible bullying incidents with my son at that age and in primary school.

I started looking at him and where his part in all this lay (not blaming him or any other victim of bullying by the way). In my sons case he was very very insecure and not at all confident which meant he’d do ridiculous things to try and impress these horrible kids who just used to humiliate him and think he was a bit of a joke 💔.

I got him into some hobbies and things totally turned around. He made friends and got better at this new sport so started entering competitions etc. He ended up in an environment where people wanted him around and would look for him / ask after him. He gained a lot of confidence from that and he’s going from strength to strength. He’s 15 now and not interested in impressing anyone. He’s content in himself now.

Again, I’m not at all saying that this is the same situation as your son, I’m just telling you our story. I suppose my point is just that empowering your son in some way outside of school might be all the confidence he needs to flourish.

Speak to the school as well.

Good luck x

Thank you all so so much ! Lots of things to think about here. He’s calmed down a bit now but of course the merry go round will start again tomorrow.

Interesting point re insecurity, so true that when you stop caring about impressing someone it empowers you. He definitely needs to get into some sort of hobby/interest. I said to him you will look back on this and it will pass.
Am on to the school tomorrow.

Oh bless, definately speak to the school, something like cubs / scouts might be good for him, confidence building etc?

My DS is very like yours (as is my ex).

My Ds handles it by taking a book to read at lunchtime, finding himself a quiet corner and refusing to rise to the provocation. It took a few weeks for the 'loud' boys to get bored but now they leave him alone.

Now he has a chance to spend time with the other quiet kids.

Parenting young people doesn't come with a manual, and even if it did it would need rewriting after the last few years. I'm a nurse who has worked in mental health since 2007 and will be starting a group for parents next month to empower you to empower them through adolescence and beyond. Feel free to contact me if you are interested in finding out more

[email protected]

See if you can encourage him to branch out to other kids. The more he tries to keep these "friends" the worse they will treat him. His self esteem will continue to plummet and he will just end up being utterly miserable.
As another PP said; he's not found his tribe yet. Definitely speak to his form teacher/head of year.
Do the lessons use seating plans? Or do kids just get to sit where they want? With group tasks, do the kids pick their own groups/partners or do the teachers do the choosing. A lot of my friendships at school were formed by being paired or sat next to someone I didn't usually socialise with. If lunch or break time followed that lesson then it was natural to stay with the person or group that I'd spent the last hour working with. As such by the time I got to 15-16 I could flitter between different groups of people quite happily. Some teachers are really socially aware and may be able to partner your child up with someone/a group of individuals that he'd click with. Again they will be the ones that may spot a flair he has for a certain subject and could encourage him into taking part in extra curricular groups where he may meet like minded people.
Being 13 is such a shit time if your face doesn't fit and teenagers are arseholes. Once he finds his place and he gains a little confidence in himself, then things like this will bother him less. Encourage him to come away from social media, WhatsApp etc he doesn't need that in his life right now.

I actually thought I had written your post as going through very similar with my 13 year old year 8 son.

i have no words of advice and I am finding it hard to watch him be so miserable.

i spoke to his year head and he assured me my son looks like he is having a good laugh at break time .. but I stil don't know why he hates school so much.

he has become withdrawn and miserable - I do think hormones come into play but I am keeping a close eye.