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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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8 replies

DippyDoppy123 · 26/04/2022 20:06

My daughter (14) had a difficult start to secondary school- she had been bullied by one of her best friends at primary so had self esteem issues, then Covid hit and then her closest friend recently moved and has now left school.
She made some friends but no one she was close to and these relationships have now dwindled.
She has much improved self esteem now and is trying to make new friends and chat to people but she says she’s been labelled as socially awkward and a ‘low value’ person to make friends with so she says people don’t continue conversations she initiates. I Know she can make good relationships as she has friends out of school. She goes to several clubs and established friends from primary. There have been positive days where she’s had the green shoots of friendship but nothing has developed. she says everyone is too busy with their own lives to notice her.
we’ve spoken to school who were supportive and tried to establish some buddy style friendships but this didn’t work for whatever reason.
There aren’t any lunchtime clubs at school but she does go to one Afterschool club at school.
it just feels like she’s trying so hard and being so resilient, she goes to school feeling positive and comes home crying.
my husband thinks she needs a new start at a private school (he was privately educated) but I fear we are teaching her to run away from her issues or setting her up to fail somewhere else. At the moment she is excelling academically so I wonder if she just needs to concentrate on her studies and hope that year 10 will shake Up established friendships.
Sorry for the long post- any wise words?

OP posts:
Seeline · 27/04/2022 09:50

Does she start her GCSE courses in Y10? If so, how do the school manage that? If all the classes are re-shuffled into different groups for options, friendships may well be re-established. If she is working well, I would be reluctant to move her at this stage.

I don't think moving specifically to a private school would necessarily help. Friendship groups will still be established, and your DD will have to break into those. If classes are smaller, the groups may be even stronger.

Does her current school have any sports teams/choirs/orchestras she could join to help meet new friends?

DippyDoppy123 · 27/04/2022 11:46

That’s my thinking to be honest- nice to hear I’m not going totally loopy with it all.
the school are actually a bit lacking in Afterschool type clubs unless you are sporty and she already attends the one club she is interested in.
Fingers crossed year 10 will create a mix up
thank you for your reply

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cantcope88 · 27/04/2022 11:54

@DippyDoppy123 I could write this about my 14 (year 9) daughter. She's in exactly the same boat. I don't have words of wisdom but am being told that she will find her own tribe in her own time. Unfortunately covid hasn't been great for them. I am focusing on my daughter's friendships from her clubs rather than school. Does she have something in her life she is passionate about?

My daughter wants to move schools but I've told her no and to concentrate on her studies.

cantcope88 · 27/04/2022 11:55

@DippyDoppy123 my daughter is aware that I do not keep in touch with anyone from school and all of my friends are from other aspects of my life.

DippyDoppy123 · 27/04/2022 19:12

Thank you- it’s strangely comforting to hear we aren’t alone. For some reason everyone goes silent about parenting issues when your child becomes a teenager- I miss all the camaraderie about parenting when they were small.

I was quite smug about how well she sailed through lockdown at the time and did her school work, didn’t complain and got on with it but didn’t realise just what was going on under the surface. Even the support teacher at her school calls them the Covid year and says there is a marked difference in how they interact. Let’s hope it changes now they have some normality.
Yes she has Lots of interests. She goes to music lessons and has a lovely relationship with her teacher and goes to ballet (she doesn’t seem to have time to build relationships but she loves it
anyway). Still hoping something positive will come from attending the Afterschool club as well but it’s not that well attended by her year group.
Shame we can’t force our girls together!
Sending a supportive hug- never imagined my confident, social daughter would go through such a tough struggle and that it would feel so hard.

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LouK5 · 05/05/2023 14:16

I could have written this about my y9 daughter too. She's been let down by so many people. She's also starting GCSE's in September & I'm hoping she'll meet more people once she starts her courses.

It's heart breaking to see them go through this - some girls are just so vile!!

Fingers crossed for our girls that things will get better for them.

jenny38 · 05/05/2023 16:28

Just another vote to say she is not alone, my lovely 13 year old is going through similar. It breaks my heart. She says she misses the younger days when parents arranged play dates

DippyDoppy123 · 05/05/2023 18:15

Just to update from my message from last year.
things are much better- she has a small group of girls to sit with at break and lunchtime and she’s got a wider circle of people to chat to- mostly from her art gcse group. She’s even going to an event with one of her friends next weekend and that’s a huge step forward.
i think she sometimes struggles as the friends don’t really share many of the same interests but she is learning to develop relationships and that’s the important thing.
for people going through a really hard time- hang in there as things do get better x

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