Refusing to do homework - year 12

[CordeliaLOVEScocktails]

My DS has always been clever but lazy.

He was at primary school with a boy that had SEN and he noticed he didn't have to work and could get out of things. So from a young age he'd say he had ADHD or was autistic or dyslexic.

He sat the 11+ and got into grammar school. Didn't thrive as was lazy and did the absolute minimum. Too used to finding academic study easy. Described by teachers as able but disorganised.

Lockdown had a big impact and he hardly studied. Got 10 GCSE's - a few 7's, 6's and the rest 5's.

Our marriage ended during lockdown and he'd always had a terrible relationship with his DF. Him not studying and getting behind caused huge arguments and my X would chase him around the house and hurt him.

Now he's at college. Doing maths, computer science and media studies. Wants to do software design maybe. His friends all study and don't get why he won't.

He enjoys college but is constantly in trouble for not doing his homework.

He's 6.2 and 8 stone. Now living with me but not applying himself.

He's seeing GP about weight and SENCO now involved. He has a counsellor. No diagnosis and I'm not sure he's got any condition but I'm just his mother.

He says he won't do homework until he gets help. He's got a huge backlog. Particularly maths. He’s convinced (or hoping??) he’s got some condition which means he can’t do anything difficult. Or force himself.

Instead he'd rather lie in bed or game or watch videos.

I’m not sure where his life is going TBH. I think he’s lazy and wants someone to say ‘don’t worry. You can’t help it so you don’t have to do it’. I fear for him.

I've had a very acrimonious divorce and can't speak to his DF. DS and I ordinarily have a good relationship.

He constantly wants instant gratification. A car before he's got a job (it was a no!) etc

I feel a failure as a mother. I work hard and face difficult things. His father has never worked but used to Iove giving advice.

What do you advise?

What strikes me first is that his father has never worked. Is he seeing a role model there, and does he think that a life without work is possible?
Does he want to end up on benefits?
I was also shocked that he used to claim he had ADHD or autism.
Once you have made it clear that he won't get a decent job without putting the work in, you can't do much more. But I would also make it clear that once he's 18, he either gets a job and contributes to household bills, or he leaves.
That sounds harsh but maybe it's what he needs.

Has he got any diagnosis?

He sounds very very under weight? How much is he eating?

I would think at 8 stone he is probably too under weight for college at the moment anyway.

Was your ex violent towards him?

Tell him I royally fucked up my education . I'm now working my arse of in two jobs just to survive and try and get on the property ladder as renting is killing us . I am existing not living . To boot in my forties it's now incredibly embarrassing. Truth might shock him into action

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

Has he got any diagnosis?

He sounds very very under weight? How much is he eating?

I would think at 8 stone he is probably too under weight for college at the moment anyway.

Was your ex violent towards him?

Not enough but never has.

It's an issue re energy etc

I'm also a stress starter and can survive on not much. But because I'm anxious about his food intake I kind of wait on him, hand and foot.

@Magnoliayellowbird

What strikes me first is that his father has never worked. Is he seeing a role model there, and does he think that a life without work is possible? Does he want to end up on benefits? I was also shocked that he used to claim he had ADHD or autism. Once you have made it clear that he won't get a decent job without putting the work in, you can't do much more. But I would also make it clear that once he's 18, he either gets a job and contributes to household bills, or he leaves. That sounds harsh but maybe it's what he needs.

I do not think he aspires to have his fathers life. He can see how he struggles financially now we have spilt.

He prefers mine (I am ok financially).

I think he is lazy and lacks self discipline.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

Has he got any diagnosis?

He sounds very very under weight? How much is he eating?

I would think at 8 stone he is probably too under weight for college at the moment anyway.

Was your ex violent towards him?

Yes - violent and abusive

My son was like this. I managed to beg and have him stay until the end of year 13 (A-levels) but the school were constantly threatening to kick him out.

In retrospect this was a mistake.

In my son's case he had a part-time job and was very motivated when it came to work. He had a completely different attitude and worked hard, took up training opportunities etc. I should have looked into him working and learning rather than move onto A-levels.

One of his subjects was actually a BTEC and the structure of the course meant that he had to work rather than wait until the end and wing it in an exam like he did at GCSE. He submitted his first coursework right at the deadline but his other work was completed well in advance and he scored highly.

Is he still at grammar? I've read on here that there's 3 years of funding for Sixth Form so he could technically repeat in September but it sounds like that's not really the solution as by Sixth Form he needs to be more self motivated if he is going to get the grades and go into higher education (is that a goal atm?)

Does you son acknowledge underperforming at GCSE?

Counselling sounds like it's much needed for him tbh.

At such a low weight he may well be really struggling physically as well as mentally.

I personally wouldn't be too quick to label him lazy, it sounds like he has a lot to deal with.

I'd focus on getting his weight up as a priority.

Given your DS history, I also do not think he is lazy.

His teachers describing him from a young age as “able but disorganised” is a red flag for ADD, which is the inattentive attention deficit type of ADHD with no hyperactivity at all. When he was younger, his claim he might have “something” could have been a cry for help without understand what specifically was not normal about him. The fact he could not avoid violent and physical abuse by just doing his homework is also a big red flag that he wasn’t then and isn’t now actually choosing not to do his homework. If he could do it, surely he’d have done it to avoid a quite literal beating? Abused children are eager to please and will do anything they can to avoid the abuse.

He is now underweight and could very well be suffering from an eating disorder, which I hope they will be assessing him for as it is often overlooked in young boys men.

I think you are being too harsh on him tbh, he probably needs counselling anyway to process the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. He might fear he will turn into or be like his father as well.

Does he know how to revise?

My DC school never really taught it - and I myself muddle through I'm trying to get accross to my children test -lots of testing -and going over material in as many forms as possible rather than just sitting there reading through.

It could also be fear of failure making him not want to try or it's now so dauting he can't face it without considerable support.

He might also as PP said be better of with BTEC and course work rather than exam pressure.

If he'll work with you sitting down with him - helping have a plan - or just being in same room might help. If he won't then is much harder and you may well need a plan B for next year - different school/courses/work.

It may well be worth trying to talk to the GP SENCO about possibly underlying conditions - rather than just dimiss it out of hand.

I was always told I was lazy or careless - actually I worked much harder than many others for similar results and finally found out very near end of my education that I had underlying conditions.

He is asking for help. He has been abused by his father. He is severely underweight and clearly struggling with mental health but you have decided that he is merely lazy? A lot of students struggle with the jump from GCSE to AS level and in organising themselves to study independently. It's particularly difficult for current sixth formers due to the cancellation of GCSEs.

You say you are ok financially, could you afford a tutor, perhaps for maths where the backlog is biggest? It is very common for work to pile up and then just create panic and mental shutdown when thinking about it - someone to take him through it would be helpful.

Also contact the college and see if they have someone pastoral available who can talk him through the process of getting organised.

Thanks for all your comments.

I've been in contact with GP about his weight issues which began when we were locked down with his father. He's been monitored for about a year. He grew v quickly.

There is a follow up this week with GP and he's going with his father. I know he wants to involve him in his life now they live apart but my X will just use it to slag me off (bad parent that doesn't cook) or find out information. About me. But I can suck that up. His father and I are pretty much no contact.

I've already spoken to his college about pastoral support which has been in place for some time. His tutor and the SENCO lead meet him weekly. He's so disorganised and has always from a young age, carried all his books, every day, rather than just take what he needs.

I try and get food into him and buy high fat snacks etc But he doesn't eat 3 meals a day. Nor do I but I'm up before him.

But what stresses him (and me) out is the refusal to work alone and do homework. He simply says he can't do it. My X says it's a sign of my poor parenting but how do you force a 17yr old to do anything? He has our 15yr old daughter who works without prompts.

My son and I are both recovering from being in an abusive toxic situation.

I know he wants face to face counselling rather than online so will try and organise that.

I am not being mean when I say he's lazy. It's a descriptive word. I can be too.

I do think he's fallen behind so much it's too big a walk to climb but he's fine in lessons. I seem to recall I was the same as him at college and eventually worked it all out. Work was my salvation.

I got him a maths tutor during lockdown but the thing is he's doing OK according to all his teachers. He is coping with attending lessons and absorbing what he's taught face to face.

Sometimes teachers intervene or he's put on report and he will do some of the work. I want to list out what he's not done but he says that's for me and not him and won't help.

I personally find it very stressful as I'm not the most organised and run my old business and a busy life.

I did offer to employ an ex student of his school to help him revise for GCSE's but he just won't work at home or alone.

However he forced himself to revise for his driving theory test because he wanted to pass first time and he did.

So I do wonder 🤔

You say you do wonder, which suggests you think he’s perfectly capable when he chooses to be.
That is a classic sign of ADD: people with ADHD can hyper focus on what interests them, but find it incredibly difficult to stay focused on boring/unrewarding tasks.

Your comment about him being disorganised also suggests executive function issues, which he has previously had strategies for (carrying all his books), but which he may increasingly be struggling with as demands increase.