Struggling and not sure if I can do this anymore

[Suffolkcatlady]

I am just struggling and now there is a ‘no fault’ divorce I just feel like throwing in the towel and leaving home.
I have two teenage daughters 16 and 18 both at home. My 18 year old has had lifelong issues and I am just emotionally and mentally exhausted. Right from playgroups the teachers have pulled me aside and said she is different and needs assessments. So she saw everyone going from psychologists to Drs to OTs. But no diagnosis. Personally I think she is on the edge of the Asperger’s spectrum in some areas. Then primary school told us again she was ‘different’ and needs an IP but not enough to see an educational psychologist etc. She was the sort of kid who never got invited to parties, was different and we constantly got ‘dreaded’ phone calls from teachers over the years about what was wrong - yet see a Dr who discharged her as nothing wrong - Round and round in circles . We ended up putting her into private school which just about broke us financially and we made massive sacrifices. Plus we had to be fair and send her sister too. She always had one or two friends in life but was never part of a big popular group but did well in her GCSEs and is smart. She was hospitalised for anorexia at high school and I had to give up any sort of life to support her recovery and thankfully she did recover but it was a really bleak traumatic time. She joined the local state 6th form and did make some friends but was never in the cool crowd but had a few other quirky friends. Most kids rejected her and she wasnt invited to any cool parties or anything. Then came the pandemic and she lost all motivation working from home. She got her a levels but well below her predicted grades which meant she couldn’t go to her uni choices. So she took on an IT apprenticeship with a local big company that also pay for a part time degree. It started off ok but once again colleagues have started to notice something is not quite right with her and are now excluding her and One has complained about her. She was taking long breaks and on her phone so he did have a right to and I’ve had strong words with her about correct behaviour at work. But it’s clear they don’t really like her. I just don’t think she always gets the nuances of others. Now there always seems to be drama at work . And I think the worry of it all is now making me really ill. It’s just been constant throughout her life. I’m very empathetic and feel her pain and take it on. Rejection by peers throughout her life has been hard. She does have a lovely boyfriend out of work and a couple of friends who are quirky too and are really supportive. She’s seen every professional going and no diagnosis. I’ve had to spend this whole Easter teaching her how to behave at work - to work hard- not go on her phone or take long breaks and to do any work allocated and chat professionally with colleagues. I guess I’m worried she will never fit in anywhere :( we even tried scouts and things but she used to have melt downs about the social anxiety it induced.
My other daughter who is 16 is the opposite and works hard and gets on with people but is hating her new state 6th form and the pandemic had a detrimental effect on her too. She was always out and about but now spends a lot of her time in her room. So that’s a worry too. I’m taking her on a city break this week just to get her out of her bedroom

I just feel at breaking point like I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have much of a life or any help from family. To be honest I’m just drained and can’t face seeing friends who brag about their kids at uni and stuff. Their lives all seem so perfect.
At the moment I feel like I should go for a no fault divorce and move to the other side of the country and just sleep for a year.
I have no enjoyment in life - just endless worry
My husband is a good man but selfish and a workaholic but has obv been through all this worry too. Basically he worked so hard to pay private school fees and pay the bills -. Now we don’t have the fees but it was a huge sacrifice and we had about ten years of no holidays or breaks and the house falling apart! But we chose to do that to try and give her a chance after the state teachers said she would struggle in the state school

For me the worry is unbearable. I remember a cookery teacher saying to my eldest will never amount to anything and despite being clever it feels like that if she can’t get on with her colleagues. I even felt from the moment she was born she was different to other babies.

I’m so tired and feel with menopause too that my life is coming to an end and will it just be like this forever now. Constant stress and dealing with dramas and having to constantly emotionally support her from one drama to the next as she can’t fit in. She does try to make an effort and is a nice person but I think generally most people find her annoying

I want to leave my family as after 18 years as I feel I cant do it anymore. I am exhausted of constantly trying to ‘fix’ her problems from having to move to private school ( I ended up doing cleaning jobs all day to help pay) to the 2 years of anorexia - which involves them screaming at you and daily battles to get them to eat - to the pandemic and stress of her a levels going downhill as she could to work from home and her needing school structure which wasnt there in lockdown - to now the work problems of her not getting on with team mates - partly her fault for being lazy and annoying but partly theirs too for not liking her. she heard that they’ve been saying they wish she wasn't on their team. One colleague just blocked her on social media too and she has no idea why

Sorry for rant. I’m just lying here on my bed now completely done in by it all feeling ill - it all seems really hopeless and I feel like giving up

What can I do? My only hope of any slim chance of enjoyment in life seems to be to escape :(

Sorry for the offload. This is the only place I have let out how I feel :(

if you think I need a kick up the bum and to stop wallowing in pity please tell me! I do feel so drained I have no idea if my perspective is even right.

I am not religious but have prayed today - lord give me strength as I feel I have none left :(

Oh, love :(

I can't advise but I just want you to know you've been heard.

What a wonderful mum you have been to your dd!

Re: menopause : could a Dr appointment and het help?

Of course you have a right to a happy life but don't make any decisions when you are so distressed x

It sounds as if you have depression, go see your GP an tell them. I broke down in tears when I spoke to my GP.

Thank you so much for your replies. I think I am depressed as I can’t find any enjoyment in anything at the moment. The only thing keeping me going is the thought of escaping :(

Anti depressants can be life saving...go and see your Dr x

@Suffolkcatlady

Thank you so much for your replies. I think I am depressed as I can’t find any enjoyment in anything at the moment. The only thing keeping me going is the thought of escaping :(

Pretty text book depression symptoms... Hrt might help too?

I just wanted to say that I completely understand how exhausted you feel. Could you take a few days away, clear your head. It’s not a life changing ‘break’ of course, but it’s very very difficult when you are this exhausted and worn down. You need a break and some sleep and to be alone without any demands. And the immediacy of that is what I would focus on this week.

I'm so sorry. It all sounds mentally exhausting and draining. Try to remember you can't "fix" her and you're not responsible for every aspect of her life. As her mother you can only support her. Maybe she will always be a bit of a loner with just one or two friends but that's OK. There are plenty of people like that. My son is like that and he's content. I agree that you sound depressed and antidepressants might make all the difference. Can you have a break by yourself for a week or two? Your children are old enough to leave alone now. It might do you the world of good.

What everyone else has said. You’ve done an amazing job and deserve a break.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Please try not to look at other peoples perfect lives - they are never, ever what they are portrayed as.

My sister (now late 50s) sounds exactly like your DD. She was bullied terribly at private school, happy at comp with fewer friends and has had a variety of jobs throughout her life rather than a big career. She has a husband and a grown up daughter who love her and that’s all she needs. She’s happy and that’s what we all want for our children, isn’t it?

You are exhausted and quite rightly need a break! Do you have a friend that you can book a w/e away with to a Spa or even go alone? Just to have time to yourself and think.
I support my young adult son who has autism (diagnosed at 20yrs)and mental health challenges, he had a psychotic breakdown at 17yrs. I can resonate how your life has been. My son is bright but unfortunately hasn't been able to go to uni or get a job. He's now in Supportive Living. I can only describe it as 'living hell'. But it's true.... You cannot 'fix' your daughter
.. When I accepted that I started to look after my own wellbeing better. I have a counsellor. I take time out for myself, I go swimming. I work p/t in a job I enjoy. I have felt the same as you, couldn't stand listening to friends bragging about their kids doing so we etc, I turned all the feeds off on fb... I don't need to see it all. Its not a jealousy, it's painful. My son is the youngest of four. I have grandchildren too who I help with the holidays etc. It's finding 'your time'. See a Gp, I'm not an advocate for antidepressants but they work for some. I do have propranolol which I take ad hoc when I'm going through a particularly stressful time. Maybe you and your husband could get away for a night somewhere? Defo.... Think about you... Put you first for a while, get help for yourself. It is absolutely mentally and physically exhausting, I have been exactly where you are. Big hugs to you, you've been an amazing Mother... But you cannot carry on the way you have, time to make changes x

Op l think you need to relax abit more re your daughter being different, its not a bad thing. Allow her to be herself, life is hard enough without trying to fit into someone elses mould. My youngest son could be described as a little different, but we are both quite proud of that, l took him out of school at 13 and put him in the drivers seat, he has recently passed all his exams with excellent grades, and is now working part time alongside myself. Sometimes you just have to step back from the vision of who you want them to be, and allow them to fully be themselves, thats when they thrive, it can take nerves of steel.
l always felt l was swimming against the tide re my son and forcing him to fit into a box not meant for him, just trying to please everyone else.
Honestly you sound a fantastic caring mother, and no wonder your feeling like you do, but life has a way of working out quite effortlessly in many instances. Your daughter will find her way, and her people, just takes time, l think you should trust it will all work out, my eldest son has chopped and changed jobs many times, hes 20 now and in a really good place, its important they find somewhere they feel comfortable.
Its time now to have faith, step back and focus more on your own wellbeing, its really important not to pass your own anxieties on to her. l find soothing meditations really help to calm the mind, l listen to them on youtube.

Thank you so much. I have tears in my eyes reading your replies. It’s just so nice not to feel alone in this. Some great and kind advice there and some really inspiring approaches to take on. You’re all so lovely - thank you. I’ve always usually had to be the strong one and it’s rare I ask for help. I do need a real break to be honest with no demands just rest and sleep and try and gain a positive perspective. No people and just a beach! Sometimes it constantly feels one step forward and then two back - for the last 18 years! . At the end of the day all we want is for our children to be happy. As the day as gone on I’ve realised if this apprenticeship doesn’t work out or it starts making her ill with anxiety and stress with the rejection from peers it won’t be the end of the world if she leaves. Hopefully like in some of your replies she will find her own way x

Dear @Suffolkcatlady I am so sorry, your life sounds pretty horrendous right now, and as if it has been for quite a long time. Without anywhere near the provocations you are, and have been suffering from, I also had times while my children were growing, up that if I hadn't held in my mind the place that I would escape to if everything became just too unbearable, I am not sure that I would still be here today.

So please don't think you are alone in these sort of feelings, and please don't feel that you are bad for feeling them, they are very understandable human emotions brought on by bloody unfair circumstances. I hesitate to give you any advice moving forward (except like others have, to see your GP and tell her what you have told us), but if I were you, in the circumstances that you have already told us about, I would take DD2 on that city break, then when back home I would tell all of my family that I need a break on my own "to recharge my batteries" I would tell them that I am not going to say where I am going as I need some "me time", without any interruptions.

If I had some one outside the family that I could really trust (like a best friend), I would give her a number that she could call me on, and ask my family to contact her - but only in the case of dire emergenies. Seperate to my children, I would tell my husband that I really need this break, and that it holds the only chance of our marriage surviving. That I am really sorry to leave on a cliff edge, but that I just don't know anything more myself at the moment.

However, if I felt that neither my children nor my husband could just accept that, and that they would cross question me, and/or get very emotional, then I would go when they weren't there, leaving a short note saying I needed a break, and they would get a written explanation of sorts tomorrow - maybe by snail mail that I had posted that day. The explicatory letter would just say the things I would have told them face to face if I could have faced it.

@Suffolkcatlady I don't think you even need to think about whether you want to divorce your husband yet (although if you already know that you do, it does not have to happen before you have your break). Your "break" can be for however long you initially would like to set if for, but if you want to be fair to both yourself and your family, I think that two weeks could be a good compromise. I hope that after a fortnight you would have a good idea about whether this needed to become a long term solution for you involving all of your family, or if you "just" want a permanent separation and then divorce, from your husband.

Again, in similar circumstances, I think that I would take a fortnight away, at first to gather my thoughts, then when I got back I would see my GP, and get whatever help I could from her, which may or may not include medication at that time, and if I still wasn't sure about my love for my husband, I might seek marriage counselling for us together, or just personal counselling to help me through this very difficult time.

If you have managed to wade through this catlady, then I apologise for both it's length, and the time it has taken me to type it - I started this at about 3.30pm this afternoon, but then had to see to a lot of other things, it is now about 10.18pm so many things may have happened to your post in the meantime. I feel sure that you will get through this, and come out both happier and stronger in the end, but please remember that you have people here (including me) who are ready, willing and happy to listen to you, encourage you in doing what is right for you, and support you in your choices. Good luck OP 💐

Hi op. I really sympathise as my daughter is younger but very similar.

I myself have adhd and have struggled at work particularly some of the jobs I did starting out. I just wasn't capable of hiding when I was bored.

I know that the bigger picture is what is overwhelming you but can I suggest one thing re. Her work. Is it worth sitting down with her and really considering if she would be happier doing something else. Personally for me I was just literally unable to focus if I was bored or not inspired and if she is a bright girl she may just be in the wrong job.

Also. Your description of her really really reminds me of the book Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs. I just can't recommend it enough.

It's about a woman who is labelled a difficult annoying drama queen (!) As a child and finds working in an office completely horrific and just annoys people without meaning to. But she is diagnosed with autism as an adult.

My daughter is being assessed for autism and so much of what you describe is familiar.

Could you afford a private diagnosis ? It's around 2000 I think.

And just to add. I hugely sympathise with how awful it is to see your child struggling. It is just the most painful feeling. In the long run she will have to make her own way in life but you sound like such a caring mum

She might find the Sara Gibbs book helpful ?

That is really really tough OP. The last few years my family went through hell from a family crisis and my kids suffered as a result.

I was in a similar mindset to you trying to solve all of the family problems, completely emotionally wiped out. I was so exhausted and actually while I was trying to fix everything I was making everyone miserable because I was getting so overwhelmed then something twigged like a switch flicking. I hadn’t caused these problems and it wasn’t my responsibility to fix everything I just had to do my best. To be honest it has been a complete mindset shift.

My DD1 was suicidal in large part due to the family crisis, she has dyslexia and dyspraxia but like your DD we strongly suspect autism as her brother is diagnosed.

Suddenly me not trying to fix everything has given me some much needed emotional space and over time I recovered from all of the shit going on. You need to take a massive step back. I know how scary that seems when the family is in crisis but ironically I have found that my not trying to solve everything I have actually been much more available to my family in good and positive ways.

Thanks again for the replies. You have also been through difficult times too and it helps to not feel so alone and take on board your advice. I’m going to buy that book. It’s interesting about the ADHD. She can work really well when inspired and if she has support - she almost needs hand holding as such. But she is expected as a junior to use her initiative with no structure and quite boring work. So seems to switch off and find any distractions going. It was the same when her A levels ended up being work from home. It was a disaster as she did anything but study. Minecraft has a lot to answer for!! She had a lot of assessments over the years and again when she had anorexia in her early teens. The psychologist who last assessed her didn’t diagnose but said she dips in and out of the autistic spectrum in some areas but not others - which I agreed with. She also said the assessment was designed for boys so isn’t always right for girls. In a way if she had a diagnosis maybe people would be more understanding towards her but she herself thinks there is nothing wrong with her and doesn’t want any assessments. I think because everywhere she’s ever been we’ve always had the dreaded ‘ can you come in for word?’ ’moments from the age of 3 to 18. I guess I was being optimistic that the apprenticeship was going well - but now it’s like - here we go again and It feels hopeless. I’ve had a big cry and a chat with my husband today ( who is more optimistic than me) and he’s happy for me to go anywhere for a break so I will organise that for May. He’s actually been really supportive. I’m taking my youngest away for a couple of days today - just to get her out of her bedroom - as most of our energies have always been on our eldest with the constant worries. So it will be nice to focus on her and try and will try and stay upbeat for her and do interesting things despite my feelings of despair.
You’re all amazing - the strength and resilience we have to go through as mothers is incredible. We all come from a place of love but sometimes it feels like the energy stores get depleted. I will see the Dr after the break, funky enough I got prescribed HRT last year as I was having a lot of joint pain but was too scared to take it when I read the accompanying side effects leaflet but maybe I should give it a try!
Thanks again for your amazing thoughtful replies x