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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Oh God, we’re in a stand off

26 replies

LadyWentworth · 16/04/2022 22:47

So, we have a DS, 16. Always been the stay under the radar, no problem type. Quite lazy, just does what he has to in terms of school but no bother really. Always quite shy, quiet but also had friends and generally a good kid. He’s at 6th form, doesn’t really like it, but never liked school that much. No idea what he wants to in life. He is home mostly but goes out with his mates locally regularly. He went out on Thursday with mates, just walking and chatting, for most of the day. Also went out the day after, told us the mates he was meeting said they were going to play football at local playing field.
I went out later and passed his group of mates all walking. DS not with them. When I got back he wasn’t home. We checked where his phone was. It was on an estate a couple of miles away. The only friend he has there that we know of is a girl he had an on,off romance with last year. Fair enough we thought, maybe they’re back on again. When he got home, I said hi, what have you been up to? He insisted he’d been playing football with his mates. I told him I’d seen them and he clammed up. He won’t tell us anything. We know he’s not being truthful but why? We don’t have any problem with him seeing this girl or anyone else but the way he’s clammed up is a bit worrying. Do we leave it or push it? We don’t have many confrontations, mainly room tidying. Is this worth making an issue of? The point is, he is lying and that’s hard to take.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 16/04/2022 22:51

You can't leave it but you can't push it either.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 16/04/2022 22:55

He's been having sex with the girl and doesn't want to talk about it.

Have a gentle conversation in a few days when things have settled down about trust and how, for now, you need to know where he is in case of emergencies. As he gets older you really do need to let this one go.

The ideal is to have an open honest relationship with him where he turns around and says "I'm off to the queen vic then off back to Stacey's for the night" rather than lying lol! I'm getting there with my older teen.

I know it's hard when they start to grow up and do their own thing but honestly at 16 you don't need to be tracking him and following him and questioning him as long as he is home when you ask and is being sensible.

(I have one around the same age so sympathise 100%)

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2022 23:02

Do we leave it or push it?

I’d approach this with the “lying is my one line in the sand” angle.

“DS, I know you’re lying even though you insist you’re not, because you weren’t with your friends when I passed them and so I checked your phone and you were at X. I don’t necessarily need to know why you were there but the fact you won’t say and are doubling-down on the lie is worrying me most. I’d assumed you were with X but now I am concerned there’s more to it. You need to think about whether you’re sticking to your story or whether you are willing to admit it was a lie. Because there will be consequences if I cannot trust you.”

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2022 23:04

But - big caveat to my post is, does he know you track his phone? That has to be an above-board thing at 16.

Mummapenguin20 · 16/04/2022 23:16

Does he know you know where he was

Cascais · 16/04/2022 23:18

Don’t track his phone

Greensleeves · 16/04/2022 23:20

He's lying because you forced him into a corner by snooping and micromanaging him. He's 16, not 12. He shouldn't have to carve out a bit of space for himself by lying about his whereabouts.

He's probably seeing the girl, and he probably doesn't want to talk to you about it. Give him a bit of privacy and stop tracking his phone. It's weird and controlling. You say he's a good kid generally, hasn't given you any reason to be on high alert - so back off and let him be!

Hawkins001 · 16/04/2022 23:21

All the best op, I would just advise him that as parents your always there for him should he want to talk, I would use the carrot method, otherwise if you push for a answers it could risk creating a division between you too.

All the best

Hawkins001 · 16/04/2022 23:23

As for using today's tech, yes you may not get all the answers but which is better having a detail log of his locations, or if worse case scenario happened and he went missing, is it better to have last known information ect ?

Original poster

LadyWentworth · 17/04/2022 00:00

I know it’s bad that I checked his phone. I messaged him first to check if he was coming home for tea as he’d said he would. He then replied clearly saying he was with the mates I’d seen. Then I got curious. He says he wasn’t with the ex, and he knows we don’t have a problem with him seeing her, but he won’t say where he was. I’ve said I need to be able to trust him and he needs to be honest with us. I don’t think he’d do anything risky but how do we know if he won’t talk to us?

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 17/04/2022 00:10

Are you being honest with him? Does he know you track his phone? I don't think he should have go be accountable for all his movements at 16.

LowlyTheWorm · 17/04/2022 00:15

Hmmmm tricky… ask him what would have happened in an emergency? How about he doesn’t really need to tell you any details but just in future be honest about where he will be and that he keeps his phone on?
I think mutual respect and honesty at this age is good- so i guess explaining that you’d tell him or your husband where you are NOT so they can check up on you or because they’re controlling you etc- but because that’s manners and being a family and it’s good to know where you are in case something crops up or you don’t come home as expected etc.
If he can understand you’re not just being nosey he might open up a bit? But privacy is okay- lying and secrets arent- but privacy is. It’s tough.

hamstersarse · 17/04/2022 00:23

I have teens and wouldn’t dream of total 100% honestly of what they get up to and where they are. They have their own lives and so they should.

You have to let them go. Stop tracking him. Stop expecting that you have the right to know everything. It won’t end well if you don’t start seeing him as independent to you, as hard as that is.

Original poster

LadyWentworth · 17/04/2022 00:33

I’m not tracking him - I think I explained that. I don’t expect him to be perfect but I would expect him to say ok fine when it’s clear he wasn’t with who he said he was. I think I do need to let it go but it saddens me he feels can’t be honest with me.

OP posts:

Mysterioso · 17/04/2022 00:35

Hopefully none of you have ever complained about the children caught up in the County drug lines and wondered how the parents didn't know.

TheMoreYouKnow · 17/04/2022 00:38

He doesn't know where you are all day and so you can't expect the same of him.Having said that you obviously need to know he's safe. Maybe explain that you realise he is entitled to privacy but as he wasn't with his friends that you can only assume he's lied to you and that you'd appreciate him not lying to you in future. Don't mention the tracking incase you need this in future. I don't track my dcs but each to their own. I'd play it all down a bit as he may claim up.

FindingMeno · 17/04/2022 00:42

I'd leave it.
You've done a good job bringing him up and now you need to let go a bit.

LynetteScavo · 17/04/2022 00:43

Unless you think he was up to something dodgy just leave it. He's old enough to go out and about without you knowing exactly where he is all the time. He lies because he doesn't want you to know. It's probably a new girl he's seeing but doesn't want to give you all the details yet.

ImAvingOops · 17/04/2022 00:49

My first thought was that he's buying drugs. Hopefully he's just seeing a girl! Don't tell him you tracked him but keep an eye on things.

Ticksallboxes · 17/04/2022 00:52

Not worth pursuing IMO.

KloppsTeeth · 17/04/2022 01:06

Could she be pregnant and he can’t tell you? This happened to a friend’s son, she noticed he wasn’t where he said he was, went moody and would lie. Turned out the ex-girlfriend had an abortion (her choice) and he was there to help support her. He didn’t want to tell his parents as she didn’t want anyone but her mum and him to know.

LynetteScavo · 17/04/2022 10:49

One minute a 6th form age lad tells his parents he's playing footie, but he's actually not, the next he's supporting his ex girlfriend through an abortion.

Can't teens just be teens and grow into adults without their parents knowing their every action? I do track my 16 (she knows) but I don't ask her who she was with for two hours in pizza express. (I did try but she said she wouldn't tell me because I would DO THAT THING ie ask what he was studying,where he lives, what his parents do for a living etc, etc)

So has he told you OP?

Hbh17 · 17/04/2022 11:17

Stop checking where his phone is - that's really not OK.

2catsandhappy · 17/04/2022 11:21

He was trying to get his leg over most likely and it is excrutiating for him that his mum knows. He will deny deny deny.
Have the safe sex chat and give him some condoms.

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 11:23

He's 16. He won't tell you where he is at all times.

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