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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Not bothered about exams

12 replies

Animallover2325 · 15/04/2022 01:52

I’m really worried about my son who’s sitting his exams in a couple of weeks. He doesn’t study or practice for anything, he said he doesn’t care whether he passes or not as it doesn’t bother him and I’m being too concerned when it’s his life! We have been waiting since he was in the end of third year for cahms appointment for possible adhd diagnosis. I don’t know if he has it or not but his concentration has always been bad, can’t organise himself, can’t follow more than one or two instructions at a time. It’s Iike he’s given up on the exams now and it’s getting too much like hard work. I set him up with a maths tutor after he came to me saying he would like to better his maths then when I made the arrangement said he never asked me to speak to anybody and he never went.
I just feel we’re the ones that are failing him. I don’t know how else to help him because he won’t let us other than sit back and watch him fail them or with his low moods at the moment other than the fact he does speak to his counsellor so I’m grateful for that at least. How do I even try to motivate him? Husband thinks he should be left to work it out - I know he can’t without support. I’ve also just discovered he has in fact dropped everything for completely new subjects in sixth year. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 15/04/2022 07:53

How did he do in his prelims? (I'm assuming you're in Scotland with mention of 6th year and upcoming exams) Is he in S5 then and doing his highers? Did he do OK in his nat 5s?

My dd was only just diagnosed with autism recently at the age of 18. She is incapable of studying but still did well in her exams (although the last 2 years weren't proper exams due to covid). She went through the GP, spoke to a psychiatrist and was referred for an autism assessment.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 07:54

Is this GCSE’s ? What is he planning to do next ?

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 07:55

Has he been tested for needing any help in exams such as extra time or a reader ?
This is done in school.

Catcrazy83 · 15/04/2022 07:59

Maybe set a revision time table and tell him he has no choice. make him do it. No revision = no PlayStation, or whatever consequences you think will work. He’s still a child at the end of the day, a lot of kids would rather not do school work if they had a choice

dementedpixie · 15/04/2022 08:06

This would not have worked for dd. She would have stared blankly at the work and taken nothing in so it would have been pointless. I had to trust that she would do the work in her own time in her own way

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/04/2022 08:26

@Catcrazy83

This will absolutely work for an otherwise bright and motivated NT child who has momentarily lost their enthusiasm.

But not for kids who are already struggling with possible SEN. My autistic DD would stare into space and then meltdown rather than do homework or revision.

I feel your pain OP.

TeenPlusCat · 15/04/2022 10:20

He sounds swamped, overwhelmed, resigned to failure.
Does he need certain subjects/grades for next year?
Can you find the time to sit with him and help him revise - that's what I had to do with DD1 who has dyspraxia.

lljkk · 15/04/2022 11:21

I just feel we’re the ones that are failing him

Any parent who writes that sincerely is very unlikely to be justified in feeling that way.

I am like... 8 years past that point. DS1 was a determined underachiever, DS2 just buries head in sand. DD wouldn't stop studying.

Some people actively undermine their kids achievements and some people create horrible home-lives so their kids can't achieve their potential. You're doing well as a parent if you know neither is true of you.

DD is a hyper-overachiever; I would choose the sort of underachiever DSs are over DD's anxiety without hesitation. Her over-achievement is super unhealthy for her. Don't wish for it. I feel I failed DD by not stopping her from being addicted to high achievement.

Original poster

Animallover2325 · 15/04/2022 12:12

He only passed one Nat 5 in the end which actually the teacher chased up as yes it’s been arranged he should be getting extra exam time but on the day there was a lot of faffing about on their side and he missed out on his extra time which I complained about. The teacher felt from the start he put in a lot of work and the content he put in before included in the exam faculty should give him a good mark so it came back pass so he was pleased with that. That’s just it though - any time he does achieve or pass something he gets a complete buzz out of it but doesn’t want to put in the actual extra work to get there. I’ve tried time and time again to help him with work but he just says we confuse him. So I arranged the tutor which he also refused. Even when he’s refused screen time etc he’ll just sit in his room bored before he’ll actually attempt to just do some reading. I’ve completely run out of ideas to motivate him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Animallover2325 · 15/04/2022 12:13

He does work well in school!

OP posts:

Imonlyhereforalaugh · 15/04/2022 12:23

Personally, I would just let whatever is going to happen unfold. You cannot force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and all it will end up doing is causing stress and conflict between you both.

My son is being assessed for ADHD and Autism. In all honesty, our plan right now is just to get him through high school. Alive and in one piece. I am not bothered about qualifications.

My DH left school with no qualifications. He has since gone onto obtain vocational qualifications and now earns more than school friends who went onto university etc (including me).

Too many people put too much importance on school and qualifications as the be all and end all. Yes, somethings are easier to do when you're younger. But, it's not the end of the world of you fail high school at 16. I'm in my 40s now and have seen so many people my age retraining completely, going back to higher education, changing careers etc.

KuwaitCanWait · 15/04/2022 22:30

@Imonlyhereforalaugh very wise words indeed. I think I need to print off your first paragraph and read several times daily.

@Animallover2325 my DS is similar but Y13 (A levels) having passed GCSEs 2 years ago without ever sitting a single exam.

It’s really hard. I also feel that I have failed him. I’ve tried everything I can think of to motivate him.

Look after yourself.

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