DD1 (16) thinks she is boring and doesn’t know how to make friends

[newnamenellie]

She is a complex personality, extremely intelligent and works very hard at school where she is excelling in all subjects. I suspect this is part of the problem.

She has always been very self conscious and self aware, and overthinks any interactions that she has with others her age. She worries that she’s said something stupid or that people find her boring. I think some of her peers may find her intimidating in terms of how clever she is, but she is absolutely not one to show off about her achievements and is very humble about her academic success.

She has a small group of friends at school. She joined the group which had been formed at primary school and so has always been a bit on the back foot in terms of shared history etc… Because she is so self deprecating, it has got to the point where the other girls in the group make fun of her and put her down, knowing that she won’t stand up for herself. This has definitely knocked her confidence and I’ve told her that she’d be better off without them, but she says that she’ll have no one then.

She is friendly with a few other (nice!) girls, but only within the confines of school. I have suggested that she ask one of them if she’d like to hang out (or whatever it’s called!) but DD is terrified of spending time with someone socially without the structure of school to guide her. She refuses to make plans. The thing is, on the other hand, she gets really upset when she sees groups of teens out together in town doing normal teen stuff, and she says how she has no friends etc…
Her biggest fear seems to be that she would have nothing to talk about and that she would come across as boring. Her self esteem is very low.

I have suggested some self help techniques or even to speak to a counsellor but she isn’t interested. I’m worried about how she views herself and that she’ll be lonely in the future (she already is). She’s a lovely girl and my heart breaks for her.

This sounds very difficult for you and for her. My DD has social anxiety and a couple of the things you mention above make me wonder if your DD could have too. The worrying about being boring, what she is saying. These were some of the questions on the social anxiety questionnaire my DD did.

A website that I have found really useful is young minds. But my DD is now doing cognitive therapy to help.

I've also seen this organisation? Can't think of what they called it now where teen girls having similar issues meet up with a facilitator. It seemed to be nationwide. Sorry not explaining well. I'll try and find the link I saved.

Are there any interests she has - academic or otherwise- that she could do as extracurricular? Might be easier to make friends if she has an interest in common, whether that's learning a foreign language, playing board games or learning to row...

Has she ever been assessed for ASD? She sounds a huge amount like I was at that age and when I was diagnosed as an adult everything suddenly made sense!

This is what I'd saved before when I'd been looking into for my DD. Mine is younger than yours so the girls journeying together groups that I'd spotted might not apply.

www.ritesforgirls.com/

@ouch44 thank you for your response. Sorry to hear that your DD is suffering too.

Yes, I think social anxiety is part of it, absolutely. I’m a bit the same if I’m honest but have learned to manage it!

@NeverSayNeverAgainMaybe thank you for replying. She does have an extra curricular activity and is part of a rowing club where she trains and races. This obviously gives her something else to do/go to, and she is friendly with the girls in her age category, but once again, only when she’s at the rowing club, she can’t bring herself to take it beyond that and even then she still worries about how she comes across and gets nervous before she goes…

Would she read a book? Something like The Teens Guide to Social Skills might help. It's probably more about building confidence for someone like your daughter than the actual techniques.

@namechange30455 no, she’s never been assessed and it’s never something I’d considered. In all honesty (I work as a SENCo, so have experience of children with ASD) she doesn’t have the typical traits I don’t think.

Is she year 11? If yes then definitely just work on getting her through the next few months for her GCSEs and circle back to friendships afterwards.

There is the possibility that these so called friends put her down as they are jealous of her academic success and need to feel better about themselves.

Re the nice girls, can she possibly ask them to recommend her something to watch on Netflix, see what they suggest that way it gives them something to talk about to your DD and gives her a way to start a conversation back, ie she can say I watched 2 episodes so far and did you also feel that this character....fill in the blank. Perhaps it could be something you watch with her to talk about it with her giving her practise at talking about it.

I think it is hard to see yourself as others see you, she clearly has the ability to make friends and they want to talk to her in school both the nice group and the not so nice group. It is a confidence thing and maybe these girls have been nibbling away at her for years. It is really hard to see them do this. Ds1 does this a little but Ds2 thinks this even though he has a tight knit friendship group of like minded DnD playing nerdy mates. He doubts his academic ability despite his incredible grades and achievements. I feel like shaking him.

If she wants structure in her socialising, there are clubs and activities to join.

@Llamapolice she might, but she just wants to bury her head in the sand mostly. In the past I’ve helped her with self help. She had counselling at school when in year 8 as she went through a stage of being very worried and having intrusive thoughts after both her grandfathers died quite close together. I have to pick my moments with her!

I think I was the same too. I just thought it was shyness and due to my upbringing but have got over it over the years. It took DD experiencing this for me to realise!

DD does seem to be making progress but I think she's suffered for a while. She was so fed up feeling stressed at school that it made her open to doing something about it.

Has she any out of school interests? Maybe you could encourage one where she meets other people and they have a common cause to talk about (that isn't her). Could she volunteer at a charity shop, animal rescue, foodbank, Brownie pack, join a walking /hiking/reading /arts group.

Thanks everyone.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom yes, she’s year 11 and massively focused on her exams right now! I don’t want to upset her at this point.

@2bazookas yes, she is part of our local rowing club and so she does have some social outlet, but what she really wants (she told me) is a close friend/friendship group who she can chat to, confide in, do normal teen stuff with. This is where she struggles. She finds it hard to be open about herself and has her guard up. It just doesn’t come naturally to her.

Do you think she would consider counselling? This sounds like her mind is in overdrive bringing anxiety to social situations. I'd she could talk through the underlying worries that are driving thr anxiety with a counsellor she might see them for thr illusions they really are.

Ie. She could really look at the assumptions she makes...that people will think she is strange or weird. That there is a right way to do things socially. Thst other people all find this easy.

Also. What about an intellectual approach? Let her think about anxiety and thr mind? Tara Brach is a brilliant writer aboit anxiety and mindfulness I have found very helpful. Her audio books are very calming. She talks about radical acceptance for the anxious mind.

Or books by Alan Watts?

It just sounds like she has a really active anxious mind ..something I sympathise with.

Could you encourage her to take small steps like ask one friend to the cinema or suggest a meet up with a group outside normal circumstances?