How do you cope with being the punchbag...

[FailingMum81]

I am really struggling at the moment with being DDs (13) emotional punchbag. She is a lovely girl 99% of the time and is going through the usual hormonal/puberty things but has also had some pretty traumatic issues in the last few years, mainly around friendships, gaslighting etc. As a sensitive kid she absorbs everything (takes after me for that sadly) Her "friends" are treating her extremely poorly at the moment and despite her best efforts at spreading her wings to make new friends, this isnt coming easy to her - she has sort of therefore decided to put up and shut up with the shocking way she is being treated and spoken to because she thinks that is better than being alone/having confidence to speak to new people. I want her and encourage her to talk things through with me, other than the gaslighting incident which she hid last year, I believe she does talk through 90% of the things that are going on in her head but I am really struggling with her asking for advice, guidance etc and then going mad at me/being vile etc if she doesn't like what I am saying. I have tried every approach, I've tried being tactful, offering explanations for why they are doing it and trying to justify it so she doesn't feel so bad about it, being hard and basically saying cut them off and tell them to "£$%^ off!, I've tried just letting her talk and not offering any advice at all, I've tried waiting for her to come to me, I've tried instigating the conversation myself, many different environments and scenarios but I feel I always end up as the bad guy - this in turn is then also impacting on me and my own mental health (as the emotional sponge!) and sometimes I get to the point where I am really struggling to find a way through it. Any guidance on how to be the punchbag when she needs it but also with helping her through it and it not being such a hard hit for me would be very gratefully received!!

I think maybe the reason no one has responded to this is that the main possible advice is keep on keeping on, trite as that sounds.

Being a teenager is hard; the friendship stuff is just hard. And watching your child do it is hard too.

If she's still talking to you about it all, that's a good thing. And you've just got to keep going and doing your best and trying to work out which of the things you do she finds most helpful and when.

And try to keep a boundary about it. It's not happening to you. It's not because you're a sensitive person or you found your teens difficult or you're lacking some quality that she's therefore lacking too. (This is the bit that I really struggle with.)

Maybe have a read of Untangled by Lisa Damour if parenting books are something you find helpful. I read it a couple of years ago and I still call bits of it up sometimes and find them useful.

Take care of yourself too.

Honest brutal truth OP?

You need to instil some hard boundaries. She needs to see you as confident, so that she trusts what you say. In times of crisis, you look towards a leader.

So let’s say you are discussing a friendship issue. Don’t feed into this feeling of victimhood. If her so called friends aren’t indeed friends, then give the advice you believe is most helpful and leave it at that. Do not endlessly discuss the issue, it actually feeds her anxiety making her think that this is something she should be worrying about. If she chooses not to take your advice then thats her choice and part of growing up.

Talk about her concerns, give advice. But draw a line to endlessly discussing it. You are feeding her anxiety.

Also, while she is trying to process her issues, yes let her let out her emotions but you must draw the line with any name calling, blame, sneering aimed at yourself. As soon as she does any of these things, walk away from the conversation.

What you are teaching her is that you can have a discussion and share with people but that must be done respectfully. She will see you as a woman having boundaries to what you will tolerate, she will see as she grows, that she too needs to instil her own boundaries with friends and others.

Lead by example. Don’t feed into toxic anxiety spirals. Make sure not every conversation you have with her, is about her!
You are not a failing mum despite what your username says! You’re strong and you can teach your daughter to be strong too. Best of Luck!