Why don't I have nonevof those " delightful" teens?

[malificent7]

Dd (13) can be wonderful but also is prone to severe health anxiety whereby she gets ultra clingy. When she feels better she is back to being rude, entitled and disobedient.
I am agog at my friends with their ultra compliant, chilled teens and those threads on mn with these delightful young people. What am I doing wrong?

Sorry title should read " one of those delightful teens."

I think the ‘delightful’ ones are in the minority. It’s such a difficult time for them to navigate. Thought I was breezing through it with ds1 (15). Then puberty hit dd (now nearly 13) last summer. Both her friends’ mums tell me how polite and delightful she is. Glowing reports off her teachers from the teams parents eve calls.
We’re not strict parents. Always tried to be fair, given them choices, tried to teach them how to reason and put forward their own preferences if they differ from ours etc. I think sometimes they just want to rebel at something, but when there isn’t anything significant they find anything and just blow it out of all proportions!
And the last two years have taken away that time when they’d have been gaining more independence, going out without parents etc.
I try always not to take it personally and to work out if there’s anything underlying going on. I get upset if she’s unpleasant, and don’t hide it from her. I do remind her of what behaviour is classed as unreasonable and there will be consequences if she crosses the line.

Please don’t see this as a reflection on you and your parenting. Sometimes there is no explanation. However, living in a situation where you feel disrespected and unappreciated is utterly soul destroying. For your own mental health and for the health of your relationship with your dd, it helps to step back a little. Let her see you as a whole person, with friends, interests and hobbies. That you and the home cannot a will not operate under the threat of her moods. At 13, she can stay at home while you go for a swim or a run or a catch up with friends. Let her see you are a woman not just a mother,with her own wants and needs and should be respected.

You are bestowed with an exceptionally stroppy teen when you have misbehaved in a previous life.

Be happy for your previous incarnation who had lots of fun!

Personally I think very few teens are awful all the time or delightful all the time.

I find my dd delightful most of the time. My dh finds her hard work. It's more about our own personalities than the teen to be honest.

All of my dd's friends appear to be delightful! I'm sure they are not in their own homes!

@fasttime

Personally I think very few teens are awful all the time or delightful all the time.

I find my dd delightful most of the time. My dh finds her hard work. It's more about our own personalities than the teen to be honest.

All of my dd's friends appear to be delightful! I'm sure they are not in their own homes!

I think there is a lot of truth in this - especially the last sentence.

I also think it's a great deal the luck of the draw, and the way personalities work with each other.

I have three teens. One has always seemed to sail through life and is probably one of your 'delightful' teens. Most of the time I find her very easy company and it's rare for us to annoy each other. She's slightly more impatient with DH. I feel good at knowing when to step in and when to back off. She's not perfect, but it's pretty easy most of the time.

One is much more spiky and difficult - quick to anger, strong perfectionist tendencies, easily stressed and lashes out when she's not happy. I find her much harder to read and manage. She can also be incredibly thoughtful, has a strong sense of justice and is a lot of fun. I think it's a chicken-and-egg thing - she finds life more difficult, her behaviour is less pleasant, the world responds to her less well, she finds life more difficult - but I often have no real ideas how to change it. Again, she's lovely outside the house.

Last one is still in the foothills of puberty really, so the jury's out there.

To a large extent, we're all doing the best we can - I think you're lucky if this bit is easy. And I'm always telling the kids there's a danger in comparing your inner life with other people's presentation of their outer life. I'm sure some of those delightful teens you mention have their own issues and problems sometimes.