Self harm

[SLCBAC]

Our beautiful daughter has started to self harm, she just turned 13 in February, we are devastated and have arranged for a child psychologist to support her. Up until 8 months ago she was a loving kind and polite girl. Now she has become withdrawn, spends lots of time in her room, constantly on her phone. Has a terrible attitude, says cruel and hurtful things, she hates as and can't bear to have a conversation with us at all. She states nothing is happening at school and that we"annoy her, nag at her and she hates us" we are devastated and just can't understand what's causing her sudden change in her behaviour. She is in top set at school and always had lovely manners but has become disruptive and got excluded for a day because of her attitude towards her teacher. We take her to various spots clubs, singing lessons, she doesn't appreciate anything we do, when we try to talk to her she just gets aggressive and shouts abuse at us. We are struggling to know how to support her or how to react. Her twin brother just can't understand why she is so cruel and it's affecting him now too. She has friends but doesn't seem to spend much time in person with them just via messages on her phone. We love her so much and can't bear to think of her being so sad and alone and self harming. We don't know how to act but we are scared to death of what she might do. If anyone has any advice, been through a similar experience we would value any advice you may have. We feel it's our fault somehow and are trying to be calm with her however we still need her to learn right from wrong and that parts of her behaviour are just not acceptable. I actually think she hates me, she treats me like a piece of dirt, if I become upset she does not care in fact she thinks I'm pathetic and tells me so. Please tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi OP,

It must be an incredibly difficult time for everyone involved, you have my sympathies. What strikes me about your post, is that I can feel the high level of stress with every word. At this point I would suggest doing perhaps something that may feel counterintuitive, which is to step back a little. I understand this is your dd and you know she’s in pain but it’s important to step back in order to really see what’s going on.
In practical terms this means stripping down family life and building back up again. Find a rhythm for the home that doesn’t exacerbate stress.
Home :
Make sure the home is clean and uncluttered.
That’s there is a set mealtime for dinner.
That the TV isn’t always on and blaring through the house.
Soft lighting used such as lamps, rather than ceiling lights. Perhaps a candle at dinner.
Extra effort to make sure there are always fresh smelling linens/change of sheets.
Perhaps play relaxing music on the radio
Encourage bath instead of a shower
Switch off wifi at at least two hours before bed.
Make sure she has an early bedtime.
This is helped if the whole household can seek to have an earlier night.
Turn the lights down throughout the house 2 hours before bed.
Let her listen to relaxing music to help her sleep.

Dd activities:
Make sure you look at if she has been over scheduled.
Look at reducing the activities until the stress levels can be reduced.
Make sure she understands that there is no pressure on your side to continue the activities if she no longer experiences the same joy of when she first started.
Enquire if she wishes to explore any other interests instead. There are some great online classes that she could try if you don’t want to do more ferrying around.

Dd schooling

• provide a clear and clean working space for her homework

Buy folders/binders and set up a filing system for her work. Not everything can be done on the laptop. Show her how you file and keep track. Make sure she has a pin board and her timetable in clear view.

Mummy mode-
Make sure she sees you as a whole person. Not just a mummy running around, there to take her to her activities and be a punching bag for insults.
Let her see your hobbies and interests.
Do not get drawn into arguments.
Learn to let go of your own aspirations for her and let her lead her own direction.

Make sure she sees you taking care of yourself-going out to meet friends, going for a run.
Invite her to join you in your interests.
Let her spend time with dad too, one on one.
Use this opportunity to speak to her.
Let her speak freely and don’t question too much.
Let her see she is a part of something bigger- family, community.
Let her be involved in the practicalities of family life- perhaps on the drive home from one of her activities you both do the food shop.
Let her have ideas about dinner and what to buy.
Expect her to help out around the home.

Reduce the stress and strip down to a simpler life. If that means reducing activities so be it. She can always increase her hours once she feels better.

It’s important to know, that you can’t possibly solve all her problems for her. But you can provide a calming environment while she waits to be seen by a child psychologist. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Hello,
I have been in this exact position, and I can almost guarantee she wants attention. It is so hard to be a mum in this position as there isn't much you can do, but I can explain how she is feeling. First of all she is raging with hormones which enhances these feelings lots. She is misbehaving at school because she wants attention. She is struggling with life, especially becoming a teenager, and she just wants someone to notice that she is struggling and ask if she is okay, so she can explain that maybe she isn't. Maybe she recently changed friendships and something happened within the family that she has taken much harder than shown on the outside. I have seen this case lots and it comes out normally self harm within girls, and fighting within boys. The only thing I can recommend is to show her love. She may reject this, but it helps. The school should support her behaviour problems, but don't fail to complain if they start making her feel unmotivated as I have also seen this happen to lots of young people. And finally, definitely continue with the psychologist appointments. Early intervention makes all the different. And remember - it is not your fault and it is always temporary.
Hope this helps you.

I could have written this post . My Dd started like this and is now 14yrs 6 mths

She is a model student at school , they can't fault her and is top in all subjects , plays football 3 times a week , doing DofE . Other parents call her delightful .
At home she is aggressive , refuses to follow rules , risky ( leaves home at 11.30pm after no argument by me saying no to something) except when she's upset and then she wants me . She self harms / cuts and has attempted an overdose
I've only touched on the problems .

I let the school know and they have referred to mash and we are waiting for the family support team . Police are also aware to bring her back when she leaves home.
Also has counselling .

I have counselling ref from GP . This is essential to keep me contained calm and confident that I'm doing my best .

I'm told this is a phase but it certainly feels v extreme .

Get support for yourself because I know I grieved the loss of my girl .

I started like this when I was 14. To be honest, I didn't admit it to anyone at the time, but it started after I saw a film where the main character self-harmed, and I would bet any money your dd was inspired by something she saw online.

Agree with pp's. She wants to know you love her and value her.

Plan some wholesome physical activities and ban her going on her phone during these activities (but not outside of that time). Eg. Yoga class is GREAT for young teens. Or a local craft workshop/course. Something where she HAS to take part and can't fade into the background.

A lot of teen girls can feel like while they're learning to deal with their hormones, that the rest of the family is acting like a perfect family that could do without them. So just give her attention and love and opportunity to get away from the phone.

Hi OP - Your daughter sounds like me 20 odd years ago. I had some trauma from a disordered home life but was otherwise fine - had loads of friends, top of all my classes and a scholarship student etc
As someone else mentioned she is probably desperate for attention / excitement. I have a two year old daughter currently and I often think about how best I will be able to help her navigate those teenage years, this is what I’ve come up with
So my strategy would be connecting with her via hobbies - if she likes sport take her (just her) out for a day and do sport stuff and chit chat, if it’s music go to an open mic or something. Basically something she will actually want to do that will give you time to chat and make her feel special.
I know it might be hard, practically speaking but you have to kind of - build the relationship up around things she enjoys

Also, the media consumed by young people now is SO dangerous. It was bad 20 years ago, glorifying and glamorising suicide and mental health problems. Nowadays it’s still that, but it’s all glorifying exhibitionism, plastic surgery as well etc
It’s so negative on people’s development I would really try to make sure you can provide a counterculture for her, maybe try to get talking critically about media when you consume it together. Like noticing stereotypes in films and tv etc. She has start learning that all media is not necessarily good for her just because it is entertaining, and that the content we consume affects who we become
It is so hard for modern parents cuz the kids are way ahead with technology. I can say without a doubt the biggest influence on my self harming was my online activity (and this was back in 2003) and the Internet/social media has become so much more pernicious and pervasive
My heart goes out to you OP. I have awful scars all up my arms and wrists, I forget they’re there and sometimes people notice which as a (usually) happy / successful grown up is mortifying. Now I’m a mum I would do anything to protect my daughter from that.

Hi-we were in a very similar position to you-my daughter self harmed from about age13 onwards. It was really scary. She went from being great fun to be around and happy to angry, verbally abusive (eg - swearing her head off at us as we were passing neighbours on the street), risk-taking etc. She is now 16 and has just left school. She is working and she’s SO much happier. I really recommend Gabor Maté and even if your daughter isn’t showing any signs of borderline personality disorder I really recommend DBT as an approach. There are DBT workbooks available on Amazon -it’s an approach that just works incredibly well with distressed teens.
Self harm is depressingly common, particularly in girls.

My main bit of advice is don’t retreat from family and friends during this time. They’ll b a vital source of support for u and also for her. I found my daughter self regulated so much better wen we had people in the house. We didn’t tell her that’s why we were doing it coz that wd have infuriated her. Do lots of self care for yourself and allow yourself to feel happiness and have laughter in the home- it’s important that she feels your love and support but also that she sees life can b positive and fun. It’s a horrible time for u and for her. Let her know that there is literally nothing she cd do that wd stop u from loving her, validate her feelings even if don’t quite understand why she feels what she feels, let her know that even if u can’t solve something u will b there for her. If u can’t have a conversation that allows you to say this then write her a letter. She may say she’s not going to read it but at some point she will and it’ll mean a lot.

Take care xx

hi op we have been there too and it started the same age, almost changed overnight, it was extreme and the worst time of my life. We are in a better place now, but I agree with others, she may not seem to want you in her life but she is crying out for love and constancy from you as something else in her life is imploding. There is some great advice on this thread. Be patient and get some outside help. Also I agree with the other poster who said bring other family in, an aunt, or nan, just other people around have a cup of tea, visiting. - just make her feel loved. Loads of luck, really feel for you it is an awful time

You have all my sympathy OP.
I started self harming as a coping mechanism at roughly the same age, it breaks my heart now that I really put my parents through hell.
Unfortunately at the moment - dare I say it, self harming is a ‘norm’ and ‘popular’ way of coping, especially with social media etc the way it is.

From a medical point of view, I am now a A&E RN.

Make sure her marks don’t drastically change ie: a horizontal harmer suddenly going vertical- this is a cause for concern.
If she is choosing to harm, please make sure she has clean items- sterile water to clean with an clean bandages. If she is going to do it she might try and at least keep it sterile/clean if the items are there.
MysteryClub and others have made some great points, take care of yourself X

As will as the psychiatrist is she having any sort of talking therapy? DD had a period of self harm some years ago and had a number of sessions with a psychologist which really helped- just working on other strategies to deal with stress (in her case the trigger was her best friend being very unwell with anorexia and DD struggling with boundaries and internalising the stress).

Other things which helped was talking to DD about the times when she felt most tempted to self harm and just hanging out with her then- for her it was the time just after she went to bed so for some moths I used to go in and sit with her and have hot chocolate and watch silly stuff on Netflix together until she was ready to sleep.

Whether any of this is useful might depend on how willing your DD is to engage. In our case DD really was- she wasn’t “misbehaving” at all just very sad and anxious and it was easy to work with her to feel better whereas I can see that this might be harder with more challenging behaviour. But maybe worth a try. Also trying to keep communication open about the self harm if you can, which might mean sometimes taking care how you talk about it- a very strong reaction can make a teen more determined to keep it hidden (because despite how it appears they don’t want to worry you), whereas gently responding and talking about how they feel rather than just the physical harm can help.

Another tip from DD’s psychologist was that parents might consider talking to someone as well (purely to help them cope personally rather than some sort of family therapy) as it’s easier to support your child if you have another outlet for your sadness and fear, so you don’t put too much of it on them.

Hi, I'm a mental health support worker in a secondary school and 80% of my supportees self-harm. I say this, because most of the parents had no idea until the child had finally confessed to someone. There often isn't a reason, it's a method of coping and a feeling of release.

The nhs have a lot of guidance of how to support a child who self-harms.

I know the urge to punish and stop them is strong, but my advice would be to try and remove judgement, keep a well stocked first aid kit in the house that contains anti-septic wipes and savlon and dressings like bandages and the white coverings that you apply with tape.

Make sure they don't use razor blades or sharpener blades and to avoid cutting the inner thigh or length ways on the inner wrist.

Keep the school informed as they should have access to a lot of support. The more they know, the more they can support.

I know it's hard but the support is available.

It's important that you seek help as parents and as a family, rather than just for your child as it's hard for you too.