Teenage romance started online - how would you handle?

[lifeturnsonadime]

DS is 16 and autistic, he is quite independent which we encourage.

He has recently decided to go for days out to other cities on a site seeing basis. He's had his find my iphone on and contacted us in the day to let us know he's OK.

Turns out he has been meeting a girl who he met online. They have been chatting since last November.

I have had conversations with him about safety and meeting up with people from the internet, given that he's vulnerable but he insists that this is genuine. I've seen a photo of them together she looks roughly his age.

She lives 3.5 hours away by car, 4.5 by train so meeting her to check her out will be difficult.

I've suggested speaking to her family on the phone.

I"m hoping this will fizzle out because it's massively impractical.

I'm not massively keen on the idea of him going on long train journeys to meet up with her for the day when I have no idea really who she is.

WWYD?

I'd let him carry on.

If you feel you need to meet her then go with him to whichever city they meet in next time.

Otherwise, a chat about why it's important to be honest, a chat about relationships/consent/protection and then let him get on with it.

He’s 16. As you are encouraging his independence I’m guessing he has HFA.

Obviously meeting people off the internet is a potential concern but there are equally y plenty of genuine people out there. As long as you know where he is then IMO you can’t get involved as he is almost an adult.

DS has been 'seeing' a girl who lives in Cornwall - we're in Manchester - for over a year. We've both spoken to her and her parents. We're going down later in the year so they can meet for the first time in the flesh.

If it's any help...

in 2016 I went to the wedding of my cousin and the woman he met on the internet when they were teenagers in 1998

(I don't know if my cousin's autistic, but there are definite traits in our family)

Around about the same time I was on a Usenet group which saw a lot of long-term relationships (admittedly they were mostly adults already) - I can think of at least 4 children who wouldn't exist without it.

I agree that a quick chat with her parents would be good - point out to him that they're probably even more panicked than you are!

Thanks all. I'll relax.

I just think with all of the talk of grooming I wondered whether I should be more cautious.

He has been told categorically that he's not to lie to me again and to be safe.

I will speak to her parents as I'd be really worried were I them.

He will also need to get a job to fund his train fares.

It is massively risky to "meet" for the first time online, especially for vulnerable people (which he is on two counts obviously - both being very young and because of his autism). I work with vulnerable adults and one has been catfished twice, both times over a surprisingly long period during which lots of messages and photos were exchanged and one of the "relationships" extended to voice only in person conversations before he was asked to send money, and then sought advice/ help thankfully...

However as he's already met her in person and she is his age it sounds as though this isn't what's happened. He's really lucky though to have genuinely "met" a girl his age and not been groomed or catfished.

I certainly wouldn't forbid the relationship (Romeo and Juliet effect) but absolutely make sure he knows he's taken a big risk and needs to keep you fully informed, and tell you if anything does worry him (although it'd be quite elaborate and unlikely that she was being used as a lure now he's actually met her, still...).

My main concern is why he's doing all the travelling to her - it would be normal for her to come to your town reciprocally, and you'd naturally be able to meet her briefly or invite her to lunch/ coffee. Only then would I completely stop feeling uneasy tbh.

I certainly wouldn't forbid the relationship (Romeo and Juliet effect) but absolutely make sure he knows he's taken a big risk and needs to keep you fully informed, and tell you if anything does worry him (although it'd be quite elaborate and unlikely that she was being used as a lure now he's actually met her, still...).

This is what has been worrying me.

He's met her twice now. Is that enough for me to assume she is genuine? Logic would say so.

I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said because I wouldn't have let him go. He's right.

The problem is how do you ACTUALLY stop this from happening? He needs privacy and needs to gain independence and to grow up. He's clever enough, despite his autism, to go to university so I need him to have some life experience. He's just more naieve I think than other teenagers.

I will try to suggest she comes here. He hasn't visited her town. They've met in the middle.

lifeturnsonadime its tricky - I have a 16 year old daughter and even without neurodiversity I'd be uneasy given the age. I could most certainly understand her parents advising her against going to your house under the circumstances assuming she is genuine! I would want to meet her though - in a public place (café would be ideal, not just a hello but not too intense) for everyone's protection.

Of she doesn't want to come to you then perhaps you need to go shopping in the in-between city and have the coffee with them there.

The fact that he isn't travelling all the way to her but they're meeting in between is at least fair, which should be a good sign and makes her not travelling to your town less concerning.

I agree with you that he should be paying his train fare - were you paying because it was sold to you as personal development/ education/ independent living skill work based on his autism? That's a bit cheeky of him if meeting a girl from the internet was always the sole reason for travelling? Impressive ingenuity I guess but actually adds a layer of sneaky/ dishonesty which you might want to lightly bring to his attention...

Yes we were paying on the basis it was furthering his development. Cheeky so and so. I guess it was just not in the way we expected.

I"m not impressed with the dishonesty and have already put some ground rules in about that going forward.

I am happy he has a friend though. He has really struggled with feeling normal and this makes him feel normal.

I do want to speak to her parents. I expect they are at least as concerned as I am about the fact that they met online and took risks in meeting up.

His answer to that was that he was face timing her every night over the last few months so he knew she was real. He said he wouldn't have met someone if he'd just been messaging.