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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Need advice

14 replies

Sadless · 23/03/2022 18:03

Need advice if anyone can help. Today I went on my 14 year old sons computer to check something on the Internet and had a look at stuff he was using. Anyway came across his twitter account and he has retweeted a video of 2 men having sex. Can only see the private areas on the video.
I looked at who he is following and all are over 18 content and a lot of what my older son would say is chicks with dicks.
I showed my older daughter and she said I need to get he off the Internet and it could be inclest or something. My older son says he's probably gay to be looking at that. But my daughters said he shouldn't be retweeting stuff like that it will stay with him forever.
Any way I confronted him asked why he had retweeted that he denied it was his account and I asked him if he was gay and he said no.
I don't know what it means and don't know how to approach this really.

Added problem I am waiting for a asd referral because he gets habits like ocd and he rubbish collecting.

Any advice

Sal

OP posts:

Seemssounfair · 23/03/2022 18:56

In future speak to your son instead of asking for parenting advice or discussing if he is gay with his siblings. He must be mortified you discussed this with them and you will have lost a lot of trust.

You actually showed the video to your dd? 😮

Original poster

Sadless · 23/03/2022 19:20

He doesnt know I have spoken to them and yes I showed her the video. I think at some point she would have come across stuff like that herself. I was asking for advice because I don't know what to do.

I don't care if he's gay but not happy about him retweeting stuff like that.

Sal

OP posts:

Member786495 · 23/03/2022 19:20

Op I think his age is relevant here in a way. I’d be less concerned if he was nearer 15 than 13 if you know what I mean? If the video shows consensual sex, in reality I think my main concern would be the retweet’s and that’s how I’d frame any conversation.
His sexuality is his business.

Original poster

Sadless · 23/03/2022 19:41

I have just spoken to him and told him he shouldn't be retweeting stuff like that. He said he hasn't used twitter for a while but it was on his history this morning. Phone Google links up with computer.

I asked him if he likes boys or if he fancies any boys at school and he said no. I asked the same about girls and he said he did. I talked about the twitter account and the people he was following was girls with mens private and asked if he liked it and he said he wasnt sure. Not pushing it with him then I said if you like that girls with male parts then what sexualty does that make you and he said he didnt know. I don't either
I am going to leave him tonight to maybe think about things and see what he says tomorrow.

Sal

OP posts:

RoseslnTheHospital · 23/03/2022 20:58

Stop interrogating him about his sexuality. It's not relevant to this. The bigger issue is why at 14 he's got access to this kind of content and doesn't see any issue with retweeting it.

Also, don't involve your other children in your parenting.

Original poster

Sadless · 23/03/2022 21:28

Why should I not question his sexuality also my other children would know they live in the same house. We don't talk in corners

Plus they know more about this stuff then I do and my Internet has limits on it.
So I don't know how he's managing to find that can't now twitters blocked.
Maybe he retweeted it because all his followers and following where the same kind of people with his grandma on that list as well. Then might be because he's probably got asd and doesn't realise you shouldnt.

Sal

OP posts:

Smashedavacado · 26/03/2022 23:31

Why should I not question his sexuality - because it's his sexuality and he may not yet be ready to talk about it especially if being questioned came completely out of the blue. He is still young and still may be exploring the idea in his own head.

VashtaNerada · 26/03/2022 23:43

Stop asking who he fancies It’s not appropriate, leave him alone to figure out who he is attracted to. It’s none of your business unless he wants you to know.
The porn is a completely separate issue. I would only be talking about that, and the fact that he’s very young to be watching sexual acts.

VampireMoney · 26/03/2022 23:57

Definitely not appropriate questioning him on his sexuality. He's likely still unsure himself and not ready to discuss it with you - if ever. Also not sure it was helpful involving his siblings!

LondonQueen · 27/03/2022 11:12

I can't believe you involved his siblings, the poor kid is probably mortified.

Seemssounfair · 27/03/2022 11:30

Why should I not question his sexuality also my other children would know they live in the same house. We don't talk in corners

When you are asking him if he fancies boys or girls are you doing this in earshot of his siblings and expecting him to trust and open up to you?

You need to seriously think about him as an individual who is entitled to privacy and allowed to decide first if he wants his siblings involved in personal conversations. He is old enough that it is entirely his decision not yours.

If I had a mother that showed so little respect or understanding towards me and my feelings I would be very confused and afraid to share anything with her. A very lonely, unsupported place for a teen.

Original poster

Sadless · 30/03/2022 14:42

When my son isn't afraid to told me stuff so just because everybody else feels like they have to puss foot around. I asked for advice as someone who doesn't know any thing about this stuff. His siblings don't care they see all this stuff at school and college it's not unusual for them.
Same as my son he says there is boys dressed as girls at his school. Maybe hes just confused with the possibility of asd as well. I have spoken to mind matters who have given me links for him to look at and when he's ready he will let me know.

Sal

OP posts:

JamesStevenson · 01/04/2022 15:20

I don't see any problem in talking about it the way you have been. It sounds like you've been clear you love and accept him whether he says he is gay or not. As long as that's the foundation for the conversation the questions can be helpful. If it becomes clear he is unsure himself then there would be a point at which the questions, if repetitive and pushy could become unhelpful but for now this doesn't look like it's the case. Feels to me like you're there to support him. I also think talking to siblings is natural. The intention is supportive. Supporting him as a family. If he is questioning it will be a challenging time. I'd share what you are worried about "I felt worried when I seen your re-posting of the explicit material" and try to put yourself in his shoes. "If I was in your shoes and did that perhaps by mistake, I'd probably feel afraid of what people would say and possibly hide it. If that is the case, I understand and I'm not upset. I'm just worried and want to be there for you" - or something like this...

I'd continue to carry multiple possibilities and acceptance of all. That he is in fact gay and is exploring the possibility. That he heard something about chicks with dicks etc in school and was curious and only has limited understanding of twitter. That he has infact been hacked after following a few dodgy accounts.

I feel for you, with the asd referral as well. Maybe a counsellor or a coach could be helpful just for some general support.

Pebstk · 02/04/2022 07:27

I agree older siblings are often more in touch.

It is natural you are asking him because you want to support him.

People are far too quick to judge. In the world where nobody was asked about their sexuality in an accepting way - people were ashamed and kept in secret from their families for decades.

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