13 YO DD - how much freedom?

[daimbarsatemydogsbone]

DD wanted to go to town on the bus after school with friends from school, then to shops and then hang around in town for (total) 3 hours until 6pm. DP says I am putting her at serious risk if I allow this. One of the friends apparently has been previously excluded from school for fighting and has allegedly been bullying other kids.

Gosh that sounds totally normal 13 year old behavior. There will always be bad behaviour among teens but your daughter deserves the chance to prove she can socialise safely with her peers in the local area

My DD13 is the somewhat cosseted only child of older parents but I strongly feel that being allowed to go to town and hang out with friends after school once in a while is good for her, particularly as her transition to secondary school was interrupted during the pandemic. I can track her on her phone and she knows when and how to come home. She is allowed to spend her pocket money as she sees fit (as far as I can tell, she is buying bubble tea, checking out clothes in various shops, sitting in a park etc.). Giving her this freedom has made her more confident and independent, which I think is very important.

I have recently over the last few months started letting my 13 year old DD go out on the bus to town, meet friends and get the bus home. I normally say she has to have a fully charged phone, and that I want her home by day 5 or before it's dark.

I was scared at first, the first time I went with her and stayed in the shopping complex and had a coffee and lunch while I waited for her to walk around with friends but now I feel okay her doing it on her own.

We've had minor issues, ie they took the wrong bus the other way but my DD called me and I talked them through getting on the right one. But generally it's worked out fine. My biggest issue actually is trying to get her not to spend her pocket money on junk food and sweets!

What risks is your DP concerned about, exactly? Going on a bus into town with friends in the afternoon seems like normal teenage behaviour to me.

Is it this particular group of friends that he is worried about? Or something else?

I think you need to give your kids some freedom and independence at that age. They will be adults in less than 5 years.

Going against the grain here and I wouldn’t encourage my 13 year old to hang out with someone who has been excluded from school and who bullies other kids. That would be a red flag for me 100%. Of course that is concerning, that your teenager might be getting into the “wrong type of crowds”. I would certainly not encourage that friendship.

My 14 year old hasn’t wanted to go to the mall with friends solo yet but I know when he asks I will be a) pleased he’s gaining independence and b) worried. It really is like a previous poster said and you get used to the small steps your kids take towards more “freedom”. I remember how worried I was about him walking to secondary on his own and now I don’t bat an eyelid a few years later.

Yes, the company is potentially concerning, if not the plans to go into town. It's tricky though. You can't really dictate who their friends are at that age.

@AlexaShutUp

What risks is your DP concerned about, exactly? Going on a bus into town with friends in the afternoon seems like normal teenage behaviour to me.

Is it this particular group of friends that he is worried about? Or something else?

I think you need to give your kids some freedom and independence at that age. They will be adults in less than 5 years.

DP is a she - I am DD's Dad. Yes I think DP is worried about this group. She thinks they may drink, vape or do drugs. DP is a health care professional and feels DD (not her DD BTW) is not Gillick competent and is therefore vulnerable/at risk.

Oh, of course I missed out they might have sex.

I'm not sure how your dp is linking gillock competency with being able to hang around town for a few hours? Two quite different things there.

How far away is town? I wouldn't like my DD being somewhere far after school if it was local I wouldn't have a problem.

It's about five miles away.

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

Oh, of course I missed out they might have sex.

Uh - what? Your DP thinks your 13yr old will be having sex whilst hanging around in town after school? Eh? Is there some back story here?

I fail to see the relevance ofGillick competence either - she may or may not be able to make independent rational and informed decisions about her healthcare, but that doesn't preclude her from being given an age-appropriate amount of freedom, and I feel that at 13 they should be able to interact and socialise with their friends (although I agree that hanging around with a bully should be discouraged).

Thanks everyone - I appreciate the help.

I think that sounds fine and age appropriate for a 13 year old. Not every night though. I’d rather that then just hanging round the park/streets. I would be more concerned about the company she’s keeping.

Sounds perfectly normal for a 13 year old. I'd be more worried if she wasn't capable/happy to do that kind of thing (SEN aside).