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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS14 Won't Go Out, Won't Socialise

19 replies

TheBeastAwakens · 21/03/2022 15:01

I'm not sure if I'm overly-anxious or not.

My DS14 is a good kid. We got on fairly well, he's reasonably pleasant and polite, doesn't cause trouble. He's fine at school and has a few friends there that he gets on well with. School isn't worried about him academically or socially.

He also really loves gaming and YouTube which is fine. My worry is that when he's not in school he doesn't want to do anything else but sit in front of a screen. Occasionally he'll talk to his friends online or play a PS game with them but has no interest in meeting them in real life. He told me his school friends meet up outside school but he doesn't want to go (I'm not even sure if he's invited). The only thing he'll do is walk the dog (I pay him for this). Even last year he'd come for a walk with me or to the cinema but not anymore.

I feel so sad for him now that the weather is better and I can see none of his friends are online because they're probably out doing stuff and he's sitting inside on his own. He says he's happy that way and that he's fine. He has one friend whose mother periodically texts me to arrange for the boys to meet and he'll do that if he's driven to and from but really I think I'm not the one who should be arranging his social life. He won't text this boy himself outside the pre-arranged 'playdates'.

With the summer coming I know I'm going to be really worried about him staying in - he's gets three months summer holidays (Ireland) and he has no interest in doing anything outside the house. Am I over-reacting? Should I let him get through this alone? I was very sociable when I was 14 to the extent that was probably a problem but went back into my shell for a couple of years after that. I was ok with it and maybe he is too. I suspect he suffers a bit from anxiety as I do but he says not. I don't want to project my anxiety onto him if this is all perfectly normal.

OP posts:
axolotlfloof · 21/03/2022 16:28

I think a lot of 14 y o stay in more than they did pre covid.
They have got comfy.
I am sure the lure of girls and other exciting things will encourage him to go out more soon.
I would say if he has friends and he says he is happy, just carry on as you are.
Has he got a birthday coming up that you could get him to organise something fun (paintballing etc) with his friends?

Clarabe1 · 21/03/2022 16:32

I don’t think he is alone in this. My friend was in her about her daughter (same age) and said the same, they just sit in front of a screen. It’s a bit sad and doesn’t feel healthy but what can you do? I think it’s a reflection on modern society, not your son.

Cheetocat · 21/03/2022 19:50

I think sometimes kids are different in school or online compared to out in an uncontrolled area, when I was a teenager I had amazing friends who I wouldn't really hang out with outside of school because they were into different things than me.

wishmyhousetidy · 21/03/2022 20:29

Please don’t worry too much about this. They are all different and some don’t feel the need to be out doing stuff all the time. I think also be careful you don’t let him know you think he should be doing more as that can affect self esteem quite badly at that age. I used to go on to my child about meeting up with friends more and then they started doing that and the worry was never ending as it was not a great group and lots of trouble ensued.

Worry less, firstly lots of children are like this, particularly after Covid, and secondly, he is young and may become more sociable in 6th form/ uni or he may not and may be perfectly happy with that. He may start going out more if he gets a part time job.

Encourage him if he wants to try, say, martial arts, or other clubs but don’t keep expecting him to be living the teen idyll that we see on tv, as many are not.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 20:32

Will he go out with you op? Before he becomes somewhat 'agoraphobic'.. Not actually but worries about going out. My dd's have become so post Covid. Dd 16 did without McDonalds instead of going on to ask after the dentist last month. My ds's especially like going to cafés for breakfast!!

Wrinklepicker · 21/03/2022 20:32

I definitely think this is one of the fall outs of Covid. For months they were told they couldn’t hang around in groups at a crucial stage in their development. A lot haven’t really come out of it - they’ve got very used to entertaining themselves.
I wish I knew the answer because I have one like this too.

Gherkingreen · 21/03/2022 20:53

These brilliant teenagers have had two rubbish years of being unable to learn the ropes of growing up, getting out of their houses, forging relationships and working out who they are. They'll take a while longer to find their feet and I think it's important to let them go at their own pace.
My DS is 15 and has a close group of (male&female) friends who meet up weekly at one of their houses, and they've just started going into the nearest city by train at weekends for food and shopping (books/comics/daft stuff). But apart from that, he spends most of his time in his room listening to music, gaming alone or online.
It's a concern, but as long as he's not unhappy, doing enough at school and will engage happily at mealtimes etc, I try not to stress.

waterrat · 21/03/2022 21:02

I think it's a concern and you are being a caring mum trying to ensure he has balance. Gaming fine for some of the time but he will benefit hugely from pushing out of that comfort zone

Re. Summer. Could you force him out on some sort of holiday camp? Youth club or even getting a job ?

Original poster
TheBeastAwakens · 21/03/2022 21:13

@wishmyhousetidy - I am concerned that if I go on at him he'll think I think there's something wrong with him and I don't want that. He's mostly very bright and funny when he's with people he's comfortable with. But also @Easterbunnyiswindowshopping has hit the nail on the head - I'm worried he'll get agoraphobic!

@waterrat - he refuses to be pushed out of his comfort zone. He won't even go to the shop to get sweets now and he would have done that last year. He's always been very averse to trying new things or sticking at stuff. We've tried music, chess, martial arts, card games, coding and he's no interest whatsoever in sports.

OP posts:
Catcrazy83 · 21/03/2022 22:01

Mine are the same. They do have weekend jobs/paper rounds though. They occasionally go to planned things like bowling for birthdays but don’t just hang around. I’m glad tbh. I don’t know what it’s like where you are but It’s getting worse with gangs where I am, I’d rather mine are inside and safe not getting stabbed in a park. Depressing times we live in.

Chatwin · 21/03/2022 22:07

Could he get a job for the summer holidays? 3 months is a long time with no structure to his day.

Hellocatshome · 21/03/2022 22:10

I dont want to worry you but I had a teenage DS who wouldn't leave the house apart from to go to school, we eventually found out he was being threatened with being beaten up and stabbed. More than likely this is not the case but please be aware this might not just be a case of him being unsociable or for want of a better word lazy.

Hawkins001 · 21/03/2022 22:14

@TheBeastAwakens

I'm not sure if I'm overly-anxious or not.

My DS14 is a good kid. We got on fairly well, he's reasonably pleasant and polite, doesn't cause trouble. He's fine at school and has a few friends there that he gets on well with. School isn't worried about him academically or socially.

He also really loves gaming and YouTube which is fine. My worry is that when he's not in school he doesn't want to do anything else but sit in front of a screen. Occasionally he'll talk to his friends online or play a PS game with them but has no interest in meeting them in real life. He told me his school friends meet up outside school but he doesn't want to go (I'm not even sure if he's invited). The only thing he'll do is walk the dog (I pay him for this). Even last year he'd come for a walk with me or to the cinema but not anymore.

I feel so sad for him now that the weather is better and I can see none of his friends are online because they're probably out doing stuff and he's sitting inside on his own. He says he's happy that way and that he's fine. He has one friend whose mother periodically texts me to arrange for the boys to meet and he'll do that if he's driven to and from but really I think I'm not the one who should be arranging his social life. He won't text this boy himself outside the pre-arranged 'playdates'.

With the summer coming I know I'm going to be really worried about him staying in - he's gets three months summer holidays (Ireland) and he has no interest in doing anything outside the house. Am I over-reacting? Should I let him get through this alone? I was very sociable when I was 14 to the extent that was probably a problem but went back into my shell for a couple of years after that. I was ok with it and maybe he is too. I suspect he suffers a bit from anxiety as I do but he says not. I don't want to project my anxiety onto him if this is all perfectly normal.

To be honest I preferred to be sat at a computer at that age, as I was doing various research projects, yes as I've got older I prefer the outdoors too, due to my photography and creativity with that aspect, it's a mix really.
Remmy123 · 23/03/2022 11:45

My 13 year old is the same - he is interacting online, it's what they do now. I make him go into the garden to have a kick around or drag him to the park but generally this is his thing.

DaisyDeli · 23/03/2022 12:24

Mine (boys) were like this (precovid) at that age. By the time they were 16/17 they had a great social life again.

Feed him VitD3.

rookiemere · 23/03/2022 12:52

DS was the same but suddenly has discovered his social life. If there's any of his friends DMs you're friends with then maybe a family outing might prompt him along. I know it seems as if you're treating him as though he was younger, but sometimes they need a wee nudge to be encouraged into things.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/03/2022 13:00

Having read thread after thread about young men (late teens, 20s, 30s) who never leave their bedrooms I would intervene. For his health and well-being he needs fresh air, exercise, time away from screens and social interaction. How you do this I don't know, sorry! I have little experience of teenage boys. If you're in Ireland would he be interested in Foroige?

Porcupineintherough · 27/03/2022 09:07

Warning bells would be ringing for me OP, it sounds like he is developing a mh disorder. I think I'd be clear that there will be no internet 9am-5pm in the holidays and he will need to leave the house and do stuff (but give him choices as to what). Have some of these issues w ds2 (being assessed for asd) and the deeper he gets into his room/screen rut , the harder it is to get himself out of it.

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