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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Attitude to house rules

15 replies

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 18:43

Struggling with my teenage sons attitude towards me over house rules with bedtime, devices at bedtime and going out.
When I say he can't go out because it's too much running around for me with lifts etc.. (have to factor in other family members) he replies that's what I signed up for when I had kids!
If I tell him off for being disrespectful he replies he will start when he I respect him by giving him what he wants. I feel like he won't hear what I'm saying..?? Anyone else having this??? Help pls

OP posts:

TeenPlusCat · 20/03/2022 18:49

How old?

The younger they are the more leverage you have.

At 13 you can remove devices etc.

At 17 you can stop lifts and be firm but he may have more options like friends he can stay with, or worse a girlfriend whose parents will let him stay at theirs longer term.

TeenPlusCat · 20/03/2022 18:51

Also is other parent at home? (You say me rather than us).
If not, can DS up and move there? And how awful would that be?

Eupraxia · 20/03/2022 18:59

Older teens you have to start moving towards discussion, negotiation and willingness to be persuaded, imo.

Can he give a reasonable argument for why you should give him a lift? Can you give a reasonable explanation for why you can't (not just "because I say so", or don't want to)? Is there a possible compromise? Or alternate transport arrangements?

Moving away from the "I'm the boss and I make the decisions" was tough for me when mine became teens.

Original poster

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 19:00

Son is 14yrs.

OP posts:

Original poster

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 19:03

@TeenPlusCat

Also is other parent at home? (You say me rather than us). If not, can DS up and move there? And how awful would that be?

He lives with me and my partner (stepdad).

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RedskyThisNight · 20/03/2022 19:03

Do you have a reasonable excuse not to give a lift (e.g. he can walk/get public transport, you've already given him lifts to 6 other places today)?
I have some sympathy with him, if you are just saying no "just because". He may not be responding in the best way, but teens are not yet masters of politely expressing themselves.

My DB and SIL live in the middle of nowhere. They refuse to give their teen DD lifts in the evening, so she has to not go out or get the last bus home (3 a day) which is at 6pm. On the basis they were the ones that chose to live in the middle of nowhere, I do think this is unfair.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 20/03/2022 19:06

Bus.
Bike.
Shanks's pony.

Original poster

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 19:10

@RedskyThisNight

Do you have a reasonable excuse not to give a lift (e.g. he can walk/get public transport, you've already given him lifts to 6 other places today)? I have some sympathy with him, if you are just saying no "just because". He may not be responding in the best way, but teens are not yet masters of politely expressing themselves.

Yes maybe I need to be flexible sometimes and explain more. Tbh sometimes I'm just exhausted from work and between him and his brother with football too it feels like I'm in and out after work doing taxis every night. Sometimes I just want a night off. My partner works very late and shifts so is never around to help.

I just feels I'm never considered in it.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2022 19:10

He has that backwards. You’ll start running him around when he starts showing some respect.

Notmrsfitz · 20/03/2022 19:13

I can only say the more you let it go, the worse it will get.
I’ve been there and done that.
Eldest son was very easy did as asked etc etc
Middle son completely wild, always in trouble and every time he got away with it at school (dad would argue the toss at school)at home( his dad favoured him) even with the authorities (police - I managed to resolve it with the help of ds1 and his colleagues,ds 1 has a law degree - anyway it spiralled to intolerable degrees because I simply didn’t put my foot down (in my defence his dad over ruled me at every step) and now he’s older I rarely see him only if there’s trouble.
Ds3 I was quite strict but accommodating and accepting of his maturity - I think I learnt my lesson the hard way.

So, my advice as difficult as it is would be to take the upper hand, parent him, don’t try to be his friend and make rules and if he doesn’t abide by them there’s consequences.
So, you need to say to him from here on in, as things are difficult you accept his feelings on some things but he lives with you and to live amicably he needs to understand that there are rules.
So if he wants lifts then he has to earn them by being decent, doing what is asked of him or else you will just say no.
At 14 he has legs he can walk.
If his homework schoolwork isn’t up to standard then the consequences will be no treats or luxuries - no ice cream or crisp no films no extra money or anything that he enjoys.
At meal times you’ll only cook if he’s there if not there is bread and beans.
If he speaks to you with disrespect you will not answer him.
Internet is hard because they have mobile data so that has to fall under general doing as asked.

At 14 he’s on the cusp of becoming a young man, he’s riddled with hormones and resentment and angst etc so only you know what will bother him most but, honestly you need to nip it before it spirals

Original poster

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 19:30

Yes I want to do that too.

I take his phone away at bedtime in the week at 10pm ( he has sleep issues) otherwise he is on it all through the night!
He gets the hump and says I'm the worst mum ever which is upsetting. But I'm doing it for him.

I need to toughen up I think.

OP posts:

SchoolNightWine · 20/03/2022 20:14

From my experience, this is totally normal talk from a 14 year old. I struggled to find the words to explain/argue my point, but actually I don't think you'll get through to them at that age whatever you say! Don't accept what they say, but don't constantly fight it either - just walk away, reduce what you do for them (things that they'll notice), and it should improve in a year or 2.

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2022 20:17

It’s not upsetting. It’s him throwing a tantrum in the hope he will get what he wants.
Set boundaries. Stick to them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/03/2022 20:19

What are your circumstances?

If you’re in a city with excellent public transport, for example, he’s being completely unreasonable.
If you live in the middle of nowhere, without, he may have a point.

Either way, though, rudeness is not the way forward and he needs to understand that.

Original poster

swampduck1 · 20/03/2022 21:19

We live in a country Lane with limited bus services. So he is limited but does have a bike he can use to see some of his friends so he's not completely isolated.

I'm only asking for some politeness really and if he can't go out one evening to accept it rather than throw a wobbly and punish me for the next week! I work long hours and have my other sons football commitments too so it's got to be reasonable. My other son is 13 and is very well behaved and polite so I don't want him to start all this too.

OP posts:

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