Feeling stuck with DC and Snapchat

[DistrictCommissioner]

DD is 13, in Y9.

I’m finding Snapchat really hard to police with her. She is on it a lot, and while she does talk to actual friends (who aren’t at her school) with actual words, she spends a lot of time sending pointless photos to people she doesn’t know at all, or to people who are barely acquaintances from school. While I don’t think she’s sending nudes, she’s definitely sending provocative look at me type pics.

She has had lots of issues with friends at school & is currently very isolated, so I’ve definitely fallen into letting her use SC more, but I’m worried now she’s using it for all the dopamine & connection of feeling that she’s in touch with people when all they are doing is sending pics of the ceiling to each other, instead of actually investing in real life relationships & making new friends at school…

In theory we have a no phones in the bedroom rule but she’s been ignoring this, & as I’ve been upset & worried about the friends situation I’ve been turning a blind eye as I know she chats to other friends (who aren’t at her school) on there. I need to rein this in again.

I don’t really know what I’m asking - how do you manage SC, I suppose!

My DS uses Snapchat and like your DD sends photos of the ceiling etc to his friends or of his face with a filter on it. The ceiling ones are to do with 'streaks'. It is obviously all nonsense. They do also use it as a chat facility with groups etc, same as WhatsApp. The difference is photos and so on disappear.
It's a hard one but it is how teens stay connected and not allowing her may make her feel more isolated. Keep the conversation open about safe online behaviour and keep encouraging activities outside the house where she can meet up with other teenagers... my DS does a sport, goes to the gym, does explorers for example.

You are right to monitor as it could escalate in a risky direction.

However for social media try substituting something like the word supermarket. What behaviour would be acceptable from a teen her age walking round the supermarket with a friend she should apply this in social media.

I don’t think phones should be in bedrooms because the public feeling is gone and mistakes can be made accidentally or patterns escalate.

Explain to her that once something is out there you can’t keep it safe manage it how you want. …. If she had done that in a supermarket then it might be on cctv or used by someone to gain a connection to her or spotted by a bully and used later.

She needs to gradually start to take over making decisions about her safety of course so keeping the communication and discussion open in really important. Hopefully you can guide her into thinking of and applying appropriate boundaries through discussion and support.

Something else - teaching how to deflect others from leading you down a risky path with humour or diversion is a useful skill. Eg ‘Ha …as if… see you in Maths tomorrow!’ And how to end an uncomfortable conversation ‘oh gotta go pizza’s here, see ya!’

SOCIAL MEDIA GOLDEN RULE: THINK OF GRANDMA

Believe me, I have been far from perfect in how I represent myself on social media, but if you follow my golden rule you can save yourself a lot of trouble…don’t post anything you don’t want your grandmother to read. Everyone who posts on the internet is a published writer in reality. Be careful what you say, where you say it, and how you say it. Always assume that what you write or share is permanent, because it pretty much is. There are lots of people who fail daily in their social media use, from teenagers to 4-star admirals and ambassadors. Take a few moments to think before you hit publish. You will often be glad you did.

I sent this to my DD aged 14

Streaks are a trend that means people become addicted and panic if they lose a streak by not sending a picture or contact every day . The people you share most streaks with daily are put at top of your list .
Explain the addictive nature of streaks .

Yes talk about what is appropriate in images , my Dd sent a video of herself that was reacted to v badly because it was so provocative even her BF was shocked . When she realised she misjudged it she was v upset and ashamed and told others she wanted to die .

I have an Apple iPhone that is linked to her phone so I can put screen time on to give a parent controlled break . She hated this but now accepts it

My Dd had more allowances because of lockdown , getting it back was v challenging

Good to be aware

Oh the streaks. I remember mine going into meltdown when we went on holiday and they couldn't connect to the internet. They were going to lose all their streaks!

Random photos of nothingness sent to friends. A competition to see who can keep the most streaks going the longest.

They grow out of the streaks I promise. My youngest is now 19 - most of her snapchat photos are now drunken shots taking at various bars and clubs. Bring back the days of photos of the ceiling!!!!

@Frenzi
Ha the steaks . I spot check my DD phone and once when she had it removed her BF actually sent a msg to me / her mum ! Asking if I would do streaks while she didn't have her phone ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ I had no idea what he was talking about and my mind went everywhere!

Thank you for reminding us we have worse to come than ceiling pictures haha .

How do you manage who they are talking to on SC though? I am convinced that my DD is snapping with people (males) she doesn’t know. It’s so hard to police if she won’t be honest

My 13 year old ds isn’t allowed Snapchat because I have enough trouble monitoring his WhatsApp and YouTube! We have a no screens after 8:30 pm rule - in theory! But he’s pushing that every day, in my opinion he has a phone addiction.
I’m trying to persuade Dh that we need to put a time restriction on ds phone (we are all Apple I phone so could link it).

I have just taken my DS (12) off it after a grand total of 36 hours. I don't use it myself so don't really understand the workings but I scrolled through the chat and it was full of awful pics of DS with enormous penis' superimposed on him and fairly sweary conversations with his supposed "friends" from school, none of whom I know. He's very naive and desperately wants to be cool and liked. I am in BIG trouble for taking it off him but I don't care. He's clearly not ready.

You need to get her a simpler phone.
Smart phones are so addictive and most if not all children are not mature enough to navigate them - regardless of how many safety warnings at school and home. She can buy herself a smart phone when she moves out,by then she will be a lot more mature.

If you install Safe Lagoon you will be able to see every picture and every chat

I remember the streaks! My DD (then 14) went on scout camp ( no phones allowed) and begged me to do her streaks for her to her two best friends so she wouldn't lose them!
Now 19, still on Snapchat but just uses it to chat to her mates ( and we use it instead of txts)

My DS is 14 next month. Keeps asking for Snapchat. I keep saying no! He has IG and WhatsApp, which are already beeping every 5 minutes. I still have access to his IG, and as I've never used Snapchat I've said he can't have it...yet.
Apparently I'm mean because 'absolutely everyone has it'