13yo DD has a boyfriend....

BaconAndAvocado · 2022-03-18T09:04:31+00:00

She told me this yesterday. I don't really know what to make of it or what it even means... She's mentioned the boy before as a friend. Apparently he's very quiet. My 2 older DSs didn't do this at this young age. Is it common? What do 13yo girlfriends and boyfriends ^do^ or is it just a status symbol at school?

Original poster

BaconAndAvocado · 18/03/2022 12:20

Bump

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Beamur · 18/03/2022 12:22

I don't think it's hugely unusual. Keep lines of communication open. Unlikely to be having sex but not impossible, have appropriate and not cringy conversations around consent and boundaries!

Christmas21 · 18/03/2022 12:23

My 9 year old DSD has a boyfriend. As far as I can make out, the only difference between him and her other friends is that they buy each other Christmas/valentines presents and have a label for their 'friendship'.

thebellsesmereldathebells · 18/03/2022 12:24

From memory - they kiss a bit, hold hands very publicly, drape themselves possessively over one another while watching movies, and generally just perform "going out with each other"

It's a good time for converations about consent and safe sex etc.

MrsGHarrison87 · 18/03/2022 12:44

I had a boyfriend at this age. We used to hang out at his mate's house with his girlfriend. A bit before the time for mobiles but we would speak on the house phone once a night. We snogged and things got a bit sexual but we split up before we went the whole way.

AgnesNaismith · 18/03/2022 12:51

I think what people are describing is what happened when we were young. The difference now (and I don’t mean to scare you) is social media pressure, porn and a consistent stream of misogynistic objectification of women through everyday culture.

This actually happened with my dd, who is the same age. We talked it through, they carried on ‘dating’ but I spoke to her about expectations and pressure and kept a very close eye on her phone. The boy started to try and manipulate her and break her away from her friends, his behaviour escalated and he started sending pressurising texts. I went through it with her step by step and she now knows what happened, how and why. Stay close to your dd, keep talking, no phones in the bedroom are all my advice.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/03/2022 12:53

The hang out occasionally, usually in groups but they ostentatiously hold hands
Buy each other ridiculous birthday gifts
Sometimes kiss but not always
It's really not a big deal at 13 :)

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/03/2022 12:54

@AgnesNaismith

I think what people are describing is what happened when we were young. The difference now (and I don’t mean to scare you) is social media pressure, porn and a consistent stream of misogynistic objectification of women through everyday culture.

This actually happened with my dd, who is the same age. We talked it through, they carried on ‘dating’ but I spoke to her about expectations and pressure and kept a very close eye on her phone. The boy started to try and manipulate her and break her away from her friends, his behaviour escalated and he started sending pressurising texts. I went through it with her step by step and she now knows what happened, how and why. Stay close to your dd, keep talking, no phones in the bedroom are all my advice.

I'm speaking from experience of having my own 13yo There are definitely kids that age who are doing more, but it's not the norm.

Kolani · 18/03/2022 12:58

@AgnesNaismith

I think what people are describing is what happened when we were young. The difference now (and I don’t mean to scare you) is social media pressure, porn and a consistent stream of misogynistic objectification of women through everyday culture.

This actually happened with my dd, who is the same age. We talked it through, they carried on ‘dating’ but I spoke to her about expectations and pressure and kept a very close eye on her phone. The boy started to try and manipulate her and break her away from her friends, his behaviour escalated and he started sending pressurising texts. I went through it with her step by step and she now knows what happened, how and why. Stay close to your dd, keep talking, no phones in the bedroom are all my advice.

This 100% percent. The ones who stay kissing and holding hands are a dying breed!

Original poster

BaconAndAvocado · 18/03/2022 14:21

Thanks all for your responses.

I make sure I take her phone away at bedtime.
I think our lines of communication are open. She confided in me when she went through a tricky time settling into Year 7 and took on board my advice.

Yes, I completely understand that social media can massively influence children.

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mumofblu · 18/03/2022 15:02

Can't reiterate enough the influence of social media .
My just turned 14 year old thought it was unusual that she didn't have a boyfriend, hadn't kissed , still a virgin .

We have always talked openly but her view of what she should be doing was shocking . She has a bf who was her friend . She has lip synced in her underwear and posted quite provocative stuff on her social media stories so much that now he's her boyfriend he's asked to not show herself so much ,so that says a lot .

snowmanshoes · 18/03/2022 15:36

I’m sorry mumofblu are you saying it was your daughters 14 year old boyfriend that asked her to stop posting provocative pictures (like in her underwear) on social media and not you?!? At 14?

snowmanshoes · 18/03/2022 15:40

I’ve read that back - don’t mean to be having a dig and I stand corrected if that isn’t what you meant at all!

mumofblu · 19/03/2022 06:11

@snowmanshoes . No problem at all
When checking her phone I didn't find the videos / photos as it was Snapchat and they disappeared after reading ( and being screenshot by some !) it was the bf msg that first alerted me .
My Dd is v messed up following an assault when she was young that she is now receiving counselling for .
My point is that social media can add another element to girls relationships with boys . And while my Dd bf is no angel and probably likes the pictures for himself he is still telling her keep it private .
I'm saying don't do it at all .

Original poster

BaconAndAvocado · 19/03/2022 06:30

mumofblu that's awful.

Whenever I talk to DD about issues around the internet and naked photos she is always very indignant as in "Mum, I DO know that!! Don't be ridiculous!!!"
But that's me talking to her and not a potentially manipulative boy.

And sometimes it's difficult to keep the lives of communication open without her shutting down and me making an issue if something!

She's off to play in a football match today.
Think I'll sit her down tonight and just have a calm chat about photos etc.

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mumofblu · 19/03/2022 06:54

@BaconAndAvocado

You are right it's a different element when boys become involved .

My Dd is an A* student at school , very bright . She is also complimented on her looks feeding into her posting for validation .

I saw a msg from her bf saying his mates had seen a post of her showing her pants he was v upset and has told her to calm it down because it's embarrassing. She said he doesn't understand because it makes her feel loved ! He then said but I love u why isn't that enough why do u need everyone to love you .

I know this doesn't relate immediately to your post and what I'm trying to say is

Just because you've said it a few times it didn't mean it's understood

Be absolutely explicit about what you mean
I realise I'd been vague by not saying exactly what me and her dad meant
I now realise I should have said ok to be kissing cuddling holding hands but not taking clothes off touching under clothes , pictures showing your thighs , open legs , in your bra. And also put it in a text (we have a family chat that we write up what we've said , that's really helped for referencing)

I definitely think talking over text was easier and less confrontational

Hopefully they will have a nice bf / gf friendship and nothing will happen

After what I've put don't be afraid . It's normal and guiding them through it and supporting is the best you can do .

Kolani · 19/03/2022 07:27

I saw a msg from her bf saying his mates had seen a post of her showing her pants he was v upset and has told her to calm it down because it's embarrassing. She said he doesn't understand because it makes her feel loved ! He then said but I love u why isn't that enough why do u need everyone to love you

This is quite heartbreaking but touching too to read the boyfriend’s take on it, he’s obviously encouraging her to stop exposing herself publicly. It could be a lot worse! She’s more likely to listen to him than her parents at this stage.

snowmanshoes · 19/03/2022 08:34

mumofblu - i understand - it’s a minefield isn’t it and once again apologies for my initial post - it wasn’t helpful! We’re all trying to just work this parenting teen girls out (well I know I am) and I should have offered support!

Original poster

BaconAndAvocado · 19/03/2022 11:22

mumofblu thank you for your advice.

I have been explicit re talking about not sending naked pics etc.

Let's hope it's the "nothing will happen" scenario.

I hope your DD is doing well.

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TulipVictory · 19/03/2022 11:28

When I was in school at 13 (under 20 years ago 🙈) my best friend was 13 but was also having sex with her 13 year old boyfriend. They weren't the only ones.

Calandor · 19/03/2022 14:53

Yes it's common. We all had boyfriends etc at that age at my school. We held hands and occasionally kissed and then that was it