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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 12 Can't make friends at school

21 replies

pentopaper · 17/03/2022 22:15

DS in y7 at huge state secondary. Moved up with a small mixed group of friends but mainly girls- other boys it turns out are now gay.. my son isn't (or at least not identifying sexually at all as young soul!) & doesn't feel part of the group anymore- it sounds like the group aren't being that welcoming to him either. He has made 2 new friends in his class which we have encouraged - they have hung out here a few times, all v natural - lots of laughter etc; he also has a few other friends from primary sch, not in his class, & he drifted away from them in y4/5 but will still hang out one on one outside of school happily if encouraged. So hanging out & 'playing' isn't an issue for him. He just doesn't seem to be able to transfer or deepen these friendships within school & increasingly finds himself alone.. when we talk about it he says they all have other groups they're in at school & he feels awkward joining them. He's a quiet, shy boy in school environment & I can see he's increasingly losing confidence as the alphas grow in stature.. We have given him techniques / suggestions on how to ingratiate himself into different groups, but what do we know of the lions den that is a huge state comp these days!?! I did email his head of year a couple of weeks back but despite written assurances can't see any action implemented yet...& appreciate they won't make friends for them. Any ideas? It's heartbreaking knowing he's lonely at school. Came to a head as his sister told us he cried at break today but no one he was sitting with noticed so he just walked offSad

OP posts:
goldensilver · 17/03/2022 22:42

Oh that's heartbreaking.

Sounds very like my ds. We moved house when he was 10 but he quickly made a group of friends at primary. Most went to same secondary but all in different classes and they've drifted apart. He often has lunch on his own. I don't think covid has helped. They weren't allowed to mix outside their bubbles for a long time, plus lockdowns, masks etc difficult for socialising.

I don't know what to suggest. Mine is a very shy, dyspraxic "young" soul too. Following for any suggestions!

waterrat · 17/03/2022 22:45

Poor kid that's so sad to read. Does he have a form tutor? I think this needs real action from school. Are there lunchtime activities he could do to keep busy?

Could he start a new hobby outside school or in school like drama?

goldensilver · 23/03/2022 14:40

Just bumping this in case anyone has any other ideas

gingerhills · 23/03/2022 14:54

Are there any lunch time or after school groups he could get involved with that create friendships? Things like choir don't imo, you just sing and go. But clubs like Drama do as you interact. Or societies like debating where you have to exchange ideas and stand up in front of the crowd. Or just some companionable clubs like chess. or if he plays an instrument, band practise.

A big school should be encouraging plenty of lunch time and after school clubs. There must be a couple of things he likes.

Encourage him not to worry too much if he is different from his old friends. If they are OK with him hanging out with them, it doesn't matter too much if they are all obsessively talking about being gay. He will learn a bit of a different perspective from them while he has lunch. Obviously, long term, he wants friends he can share interests with too, but no harm in having a wide network too.

Original poster
pentopaper · 23/03/2022 14:55

@goldensilver

Just bumping this in case anyone has any other ideas
Ah thanks. Actually, as is often the case, he seems to have worked this out a bit for himself now - some old friends have been amazing and taken him back into the fold a bit and I think he keeps himself busy with music practice and reading in the library on the days he finds himself at a loss. Not sure it's a good or bad thing but breaks are so short the time passes quickly - but on flip side, think that does prevent the deepening of new friendships too. How is your son coping now? I must say, I do feel girls get so much more nurturing in this area from schools...
OP posts:
goldensilver · 23/03/2022 16:01

Ah that's good news, glad to hear things are a bit better.

Mine is still the same 🙁

Wondergirl100 · 23/03/2022 19:45

Interesting about short breaks - one of the sad things about the focus on formal education (from young childhood onwards!) is the lack of space and support given to children and teenagers developing social skills. At least at primary they have 'play' time - when are teens meant to get to know each other!

Member786495 · 23/03/2022 21:26

This probably won’t help, but offering solidarity. My ds is now 18 and y13, or upper 6th. He started y7 with trepidation and absolutely hated 7, 8 and 9. 10 was ok, and 11 not too bad. He changed school for sixth form to an independent and is finally happy.

Sadly I think these large schools are just failing our children. The aggressive, impersonal atmosphere is actually damaging in some, or many cases.

If you can’t privately educate, my advice would be to make him as happy outside school as you can. Don’t pressure him to socialise with kids he may have little or nothing in common with (as I did until I learned it made things worse) but try and support him making or strengthening friendships or relationships outside school, so what happens there matters less.

Also stress to them the problem is not them, it’s the system they’re forced into. Try to bolster their self esteem as much as possible. If they like themselves and feel they’re basically ok, they’ll have more self confidence and be a bit protected.

Original poster
pentopaper · 23/03/2022 22:18

@Member786495 great advice. Thank you. The system is most definitely not one size fits all. Actually quite insane when you think how different we all are yet expected to go through this strict regime of education?! We considered moving to a smaller private school but actually in our area the boys independent schools appear to be even more alpha. Do regret not considering a prep to 13 before as this might have given him time & right environment to grow into himself & build more confidence. Hey ho.

OP posts:
goldensilver · 23/03/2022 22:45

@Member786495

This probably won’t help, but offering solidarity. My ds is now 18 and y13, or upper 6th. He started y7 with trepidation and absolutely hated 7, 8 and 9. 10 was ok, and 11 not too bad. He changed school for sixth form to an independent and is finally happy.

Sadly I think these large schools are just failing our children. The aggressive, impersonal atmosphere is actually damaging in some, or many cases.

If you can’t privately educate, my advice would be to make him as happy outside school as you can. Don’t pressure him to socialise with kids he may have little or nothing in common with (as I did until I learned it made things worse) but try and support him making or strengthening friendships or relationships outside school, so what happens there matters less.

Also stress to them the problem is not them, it’s the system they’re forced into. Try to bolster their self esteem as much as possible. If they like themselves and feel they’re basically ok, they’ll have more self confidence and be a bit protected.

This is such great advice and has actually cheered me up a bit after having a very bad day. Thank you!
Original poster
pentopaper · 24/03/2022 19:47

@goldensilver is your school being supportive? I hope your son had a better day today- at least holidays are soon upon us (again!) & they can kick back and be themselves x

OP posts:
goldensilver · 24/03/2022 21:23

[quote pentopaper]@goldensilver is your school being supportive? I hope your son had a better day today- at least holidays are soon upon us (again!) & they can kick back and be themselves x
[/quote]
Yes and no. They're supportive about the dyspraxia but don't think they've really been aware of the friends thing. I've sent an email today as I had other stuff to tell them so I'll see what they say in response.

trainnane · 08/04/2022 23:28

@Wondergirl100

Interesting about short breaks - one of the sad things about the focus on formal education (from young childhood onwards!) is the lack of space and support given to children and teenagers developing social skills. At least at primary they have 'play' time - when are teens meant to get to know each other!
Most high schools have short breaks to reduce fights & hassles between bored teens
Joolsin · 09/04/2022 00:20

My quiet DS took a very long time to settle into secondary school. The thing about starting is that the loud, confident kids find each other very quickly because they see the other loud, confident ones, whereas the quieter kids take longer to find each other as they are drowned out by the noisy ones. DS eventually settled, but never really thrived until he hit his late teens.

Original poster
pentopaper · 11/04/2022 07:55

@Joolsin

My quiet DS took a very long time to settle into secondary school. The thing about starting is that the loud, confident kids find each other very quickly because they see the other loud, confident ones, whereas the quieter kids take longer to find each other as they are drowned out by the noisy ones. DS eventually settled, but never really thrived until he hit his late teens.
This is such a good point I'd never even considered before. Thanks for making it!
OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 11/04/2022 08:09

My DS had this problem in year 7, he told me that he used to sit under the stairs reading at break times. So I sent him on the year 8 ski trip. He came back from that with a couple of friends that he shared a room with on the trip and has been fine, as far as I know, ever since.

trainnane · 11/04/2022 08:47

Our school runs a huge number of lunch clubs.. can he try those

cauliflowersqueeze · 11/04/2022 09:16

Boys tend to float about during year 7 and 8 really only making loose friendships based on playing football to be honest. It’s a completely different dynamic from girls who seek out close friendships (sometimes too intense) right from the start and have a strong desire to be in a tight knit group.

As he gets older he will find his niche but as long as he is happy that’s all that matters. He might never make bosom buddies for life but be quite content getting along with a few friends.

Clubs are a great idea but only so that he can have a nice time as a priority. If he makes a friend or friends there as a result then that’s great.

needmorethanthis · 11/04/2022 09:22

Sign him up to lunch clubs. This is the reason we didn’t send our son to the big state secondary and opted for a smaller school further away. It might be worth looking at smaller options for him.

CatsArePeople · 11/04/2022 09:49

How about finding friends outside school? Does he do any extracurricular activities?

packedlunches · 11/04/2022 15:21

My son is now going to a lunch club and seems a lot happier. He at least is chatting to people there even if he hasn't yet made "friends".

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