I'm scared to discipline my child in case they commit suicide

[vickyore]

Hello all,

Just wanted to say this out loud. I have 18 y/o son, autistic. He has a history of depression / self harm and has often said since 8 years old that he wants to die.

He does not interpret social situations very well, subsequently bullying and loneliness has been a huge factor. Now at college who are concerned about some of his behaviours, they think he is manipulating / provoking other pupils into poor behaviour so that he can get them into trouble. He does not see it this way and lacks empathy.

I'm scared to address this with him, or be critical of him at all in case he self harms or commits suicide.

Not really looking for answers but just reaching out to see if our mums feel this way? I.e. child with very low mental health & how to discipline?

I'm a foster carer with a very vulnerable
teenager who has PTSD.

I've had similar thoughts to you and haven't liked to say too much in case I pushed him over the edge.

However, I've learnt that, for his own sake, I DO need to say something so that he grows into a caring and rounded young man with lots of friends.

I've also learnt that there is a way of saying things to him. I'm aware this may be obvious, but I try to come across as gentle and caring and tell him that I'm discussing this with him to help him rather than to criticise, and always finish off by saying that I love him etc etc.

My DS went through a bad spell with his MH recently and running alongside this was some pretty poor behaviour. He would often throw comments at me such as ‘you are punishing me for having depression’ etc and I was so worried I could be pushing him towards harming himself by putting in firmer boundaries etc. You must be feeling so worried, it’s so hard.
What worked for us was for me to separate the two things and be very clear that I was punishing the behaviour and his MH was not in question here and had nothing to do with it. I just kept telling him this behaviour had to change but I was still supporting him at a person to feel better etc.
His CAMHS worker also helped him see the cycle of feeling bad about yourself, doing something bad, believing you did that bad thing because you are a bad person, punishing yourself for being a bad person and so on. It helped him a lot.
Can you access support from his autism team at all? Perhaps they have ideas for strategies to help when you need to put in boundaries/sanctions.