Helicopter parent.

reluctantbrit · 13/03/2022 22:32

Start with small things. How much are you involved in day-to-day live? Checking school time table and homework? Driving her everywhere or letting her go on the bus? Letting her go with friends to the next town shopping or to the movies without constantly checking on her?

They need to learn by making mistakes. You are there to help them sorting it out, not avoiding it (obviously nothing illegal or life changing).

FailingMum81 · 14/03/2022 13:42

@Itsadoglife

I wonder if anyone has any advice. I have seen this term used in a previous thread and had to google it to see what it meant. When I have seen what it means, I think I am one. I dont mean to be, but my DD seems just so reliant on me.

She is an only child and we live in a nice village, but she seems to be quite naive and young for her age and seeks guidance from me on most things. She is quite an under confident soul and has even asked me to help her phrase text messages last week to break up with a boy she had been seeing.

We are so close and she is such a lovely girl (most of the time when she is not hormonal 😂), but I don't want to be detrimental to her by being a helicopter parent, but don't want to just abandon her either and tell her to crack on 😬

My DD is very similar to what you described although has always been quite old for her age being brought up around older children when I was a childminder. I believe I am not only helicopter but full on Royal Navy chopper with mine at the moment! But she has had a traumatic few months in which she didn't seek my support. When I did find out about some issues she did end up asking for my support and assistance but because of that I have very much gone ott now. She is totally besotted with a boy at the moment, I mean really REALLY besotted, he's a nice kid and tells her he feels the same way (I don't believe it cos he's a bit of a player!) 🤣 But she pretty much daily asks me how to word messages, can she say this and that, etc and asks guidance for lots of things - I'm happy to offer guidance and advice but also want her to make her own mistakes.....but I do become very invested, particularly when she asks for advice but doesn't follow it or appear to take it on board. We then have days that she won't even confirm or deny if he has text her and so I am often left feeling deflated and not needed (alot of this is my issue by the way!) But due to the fluctuating nature of what she needs from me I feel I very much helicopter parent. I think worryingly for me is that she did not appear to learn from her previous mistakes and has begun making them again so I find it extremely difficult to sit back and allow things to happen :/ x

Benjispruce5 · 14/03/2022 16:18

You don’t say how old she is.

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/03/2022 16:26

Yes, how old?

Bumpsadaisie · 14/03/2022 16:32

Given she has had a boyfriend to even break up with, I don't think she can be a totally shy wallflower. Maybe you are worrying too much?

I wouldn't get involved in the ins and outs of their texts and all that though.

Just as you set a boundary between your life with your DH and your DD, help her to set a good boundary too.

So you will always try to provide advice, and to be there for her, but as her mother you do not want to be involved in the drafting of texts, the "has he replied, has he not" thing or any of that kind of stuff. As it is her relationship and it is not appropriate for you to be a third party in that way.

Original poster

Itsadoglife · 14/03/2022 16:58

@Benjispruce5 she is 17 👍

OP posts:

Benjispruce5 · 14/03/2022 17:05

Ah it’s hard op. DDs are 18 and 21 and I found my youngest went from child to adult very quickly after lockdown. Hang in there , guide from a distance and try to trust that she has learnt a lot throughout her upbringing and now is the time to try ti make her own judgments and learn from any mistakes.

Benjispruce5 · 14/03/2022 17:07

Having said that DD has asked for help wording a text to her employer and I think that’s fair as it’s new and she wants to be appropriate etc. I don’t think that’s a bad thing and shows that she wants to come across in the right way.

Original poster

Itsadoglife · 15/03/2022 21:00

Thank you all for your replies. She seems to be having a real crisis of confidence at the moment. Her self esteem is very low and I think that is why she is leaning on me more - she seems to lack the confidence in her own ability.

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 15/03/2022 22:12

I don't think offering the support an nearly adult is asking for from their close parent is anything like helicopter parenting. That I think of is the parents who hover under their dc on the monkey bars and follow them around soft play with their arms out.

reluctantbrit · 16/03/2022 07:44

@liveforsummer

I don't think offering the support an nearly adult is asking for from their close parent is anything like helicopter parenting. That I think of is the parents who hover under their dc on the monkey bars and follow them around soft play with their arms out.

It depends. Offering support is fine but being overly invested in your child's social life and not letting them do it first alone is also a bigsign of being a helicopter parent.

My colleague told us stories when she tours unis with her daughter. She let her asking questions, they did some preparations at home and obviously she added practical questions her daughter didn't think off but it was the daughter who did the talking. All around her were parents, especially mothers, doing the asking while the child stood silently beside them.

Helicopter parents don't stop when a child is older.

liveforsummer · 16/03/2022 08:21

It depends. Offering support is fine but being overly invested in your child's social life and not letting them do it first alone is also a bigsign of being a helicopter parent.

This still doesn't sound like what's happening here though. The dd is specifically asking for help and wanting to help her become more independent