Dd told me she self harmed, should I tell dh?

[Superdupersquirrel]

My DD has been suffering with a low mood for the past few months and tbh I wasn’t sure if it was just general teen angst. A couple of days ago, she broke down saying she was finding it hard to feel happy. Dh and I administered lots of hugs and dh asked if it would help if she also had someone else to speak to. She said yes - so I’ve got a referral through my healthcare provider. I think it’s brilliant that she felt comfortable to say she may need some help, but I couldn’t help but think there’s more to it, but certainly didn’t express that to her.

Today we were speaking about her referral appointment that was coming up and asked if there something in particular that she wanted help with. I also said I understood if she didn’t want to say but I also wanted to check no one was hurting her etc.

She said three months ago, when she felt really angry and was alone in her room, she cut herself. She feels shame that she did it and scared that she did it. I thanked her so much for sharing that with me and told her how proud I was that she wants to face this and work through it.

Of course I am sad and worried but that’s not for her to deal with, that’s for me. However I did ask her if it was ok if I told dh and she has said she’s not sure about that. What’s tough is I know he is worried and I also know he will deal with it calmly and in a considered way, but I don’t want to break any confidences here. I just feel so stuck in the middle if they as he is a sensitive chap and he knows something is up. Any advice? I know this isn’t about me, it’s about my dd but it’s a tough one to carry alone

This is such a difficult thing and a very common issue I think. The trouble is, if you break her confidence and tell your husband, and then he accidentally gives it away that he knows, then she won’t confide in you again. I’ve been in the same situation and didn’t tell my dh and then felt terribly guilty on his behalf. And other times with my dd I did tell Dh and then felt awful for betraying her trust. Not much help, but I don’t know! I think maybe it’s best not to tell, but to encourage DD to talk to him herself when she feels comfortable doing so. Good luck, sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thank you so much for replying, she has said I could tell him then said she wasn’t sure so I don’t want to pressurise her into saying for my benefit, it’s just so tough

Surely both parents deserve the opportunity to support your dd?
And I say that as a dm in your shoes right now.

I would go back to her and ask has she had any more thoughts about sharing that with her dad. Explain you both want to help her.

She will be reassured you've kept her confidence so far, and may agree, saving you some angst

I would tell my DH but know that he wouldn't mention it and break any trust.

How would you feel if you found out that your DH had kept something so important from you?

I would find it hard to accept.

I work with young people who self harm. There is help online for parents to help understand as it can be so distressing to find out. You need support and your DD has said she wasn’t sure. That would give me the message to tell her sensitive dad as you need support as-well. You don’t need to keep confidences in this particular case as a parent. You haven’t got a counselling contract.

This is not a suicide attempt but a way to ‘get hurt out’ generally. I can easily become a habit. Confiscating sharp objects won’t work as other things will be found to injure herself. Instead encourage her to keep skin damage clean and a list of possible distractions that may work for her. Many teenagers grow out of this habit if they get the chance to be able to talk out their stresses.

Sending hugs to your family 💐

I would tell him but tell him to keep his mouth shut and not let her know.

I would tell dad and let him tell her gently that he knows whilst giving her a hug to say he can support her through this too. I reckon your daughter will appreciate not having the elephant in the room. That causes stress = more self harm. She needs a supportive network now.

This is all amazing advice, thank you so much to this lovely community ❤️