Help! DD16 has no friends

[EmpressWuZetian]

My daughter started college last September and has not made a single friend since then. This was an issue when she was younger too, she has never made plans with anyone since Year 7 and always told us that she didn’t have anyone to hang out with.

I don’t understand why she has problems making friends. She goes to a large college so it’s not like she can’t find any other nice girls to befriend!

Apart from this issue she’s a lovely girl. She’s very academic (all 8s and 9s at GCSE) and is doing very well in her 4 A levels. She isn’t a typical moody teen at all and is always very helpful around the house. (Unlike her brother!)

I’m worried about how she’ll fare at Uni if she continues like this. Surely she’ll have to socialise with people then? All I want for her to be happy but this just isn’t a normal teenage experience and surely she wishes that she had people to make plans with?

So she isn’t worried about not having friends?

You say you want her to be happy but it sounds though she might be happy not having friends? Is she worried about not having friends?

To tell the truth I don’t know how she feels about it. She doesn’t like talking to me about this issue so I avoid bringing it up often. She did struggle with her MH in the past but she tells me she’s doing better now. The thing is I don’t know whether she’s lying to make me happy! (She pretended to be friends with a group of girls in Year 7 so I wouldn’t be upset! ) @74MyrnaHay

Whilst I understand your concerns, I think you should try not to worry too much if she doesn’t seem to be.
My ds 18 is v bright, all 8s & 9s and now going to Oxford. He never fitted in in his school until he got a scholarship to an independent for 6th form where it’s ok to be bright and to want to work. He now has friends and socialises as they’re more like him.

It could just be that she’s not a good fit for the other kids. If she’s not being actively excluded and can get by, I’d just leave her be.
I know now I made my sons life harder by pressuring him to be more sociable when he was never going to fit in. He was much happier and more confident when I let him be.

I would think she’ll find her tribe at uni.

It’s a difficult situation and I’m not great at advice - could you tell her that she doesn’t have to protect you from her problems?

If she’s keeping all her worries to herself and being overly “good” at home then she may be more worried about you and about protecting you and feel like she can’t be open. Obviously that’s pure speculation!

I’d be far less worried about a teen who was a bit rebellious and unhelpful!

What happened in the past when she had MH problems- was the support positive and her experience positive?

So true, @Notonetojudge

Does she work or do a hobby? I think it's much easier to make friends starting with something in common.

I was very shy at 16 and in a way quite independent, because I didn't want to ask for help or seem needy. I was always on the edges of friendship groups until I started a part time job in McDonalds of all places. Total shock to the system but I learned to get on with everyone and it really built my confidence.

Same here @Smellyporcupine. Got a Saturday job in a supermarket and made some fabulous friends… still friends decades later.

I'm going to echo the idea of getting a job. I never really had any friends until I got a part time job where I really found my people and there was a great social atmosphere with plenty of birthday celebrations, cinema trips and going round each others houses.

It sounds like maybe she doesn’t fit in with the girls at school. I know a grunge-skater type who had zero friends til she went to uni cos the girls at her school were very into make up and boys etc.

This is so sad tho. Are there any sociable groups she could join where she might have more in common with the girls? I known it’s tricky with A levels being so all consuming! Plus so many groups for girls aren’t sociable (eg dance, riding etc). Maybe stwrt thinking bow about a summer job/activity for her where she might meet people more her type. I made some fab friends working at a wildlife park and in sea cadets, drama etc.