Should I disconnect from my children?

[acreptid]

Girls, ages 20 and 15. They're really affecting my mental health. Suicidal on a regular basis, though haven't acted on it.

Nothing wrong with them as people. But they don't want to have anything to do with me. Eldest in university but comes home regularly as it's close by and I can't even ask a polite question without it turning into her getting angry. Example from earlier. Me: "Have you eaten?" Her (shouting): "WELL OF COURSE I HAVE OTHERWISE I'D BE STARVING." It's very difficult to have any kind of conversation with her and I feel that it's better to only speak when absolutely necessary as if she's a lodger or random co-worker.

Younger one would go without talking to me all day or week if possible. Honestly if I didn't bring up a question there wouldn't be even one or two words a day from her. She's not argumentative but just not interested and acts like she's above talking to me. If I left the house forever she might just be upset at the inconvenience to her.

When they were younger I did everything right, I feel. I wasn't one of those parents who ignored their children and just provided food, warmth and clothing etc. but now I wonder if they got it right after all. Then this won't feel like such a rejection. We used to talk all the time and did so much together and people (well, women) used to say how much they envy our relationship.

I have friends, I have a high pressure job and things to do separate from them but at the end of the day every weekday evening it's me in an empty and silent house with them ignoring me. (I'm divorced, they see their dad every now and then) I dread the weekends if they are going to be home. Absolutely dread it and even started trembling the other day at the thought of it. Do I disconnect from them emotionally? I did that with my marriage (for good reason) and that was the death knell, there was no coming back. Would it be better for my mh to do the same for the children to protect myself (and by extension, them)?

Sorry if I sound dramatic. I'm just broken and sad and feeling sorry for myself

Sounds very sad and hard for you. Could you have some counselling to explore how you could get your emotional needs met without relying on them?

Thank you for answering. Is there such a thing as free counselling? Or should it be paid for. I don't have a lot of money

I think try at least, it will probably help your mental health.
You might find it hard but even a small change would help you.

It's very tough. I think you should go out (without them) for a full day and part of the other day at the weekend. So a day out, and on the other day maybe shopping and lunch. And try to find a couple of evening things to do during the week.

Before you do anything I think you need to strengthen your own mental health, then you will have the resources to start dealing with them. Your dc15 is a teenager and they can and do disengage however that does not allow disrespect or rudeness. Your older dc is far too old to be behaving in the way she is and should be respectful and if she cannot be then she stays at uni. You need to have the tools and mental health to be able to say that you will not be treated in the way you are, that you love them but enough is enough. I honestly know it is hard, I have been there but by not acting you will not see change.

You (and they) can access 6 sessions of free counselling on NHS self-referral. Worth doing. I found it helpful.

I'm not really in a position to advise as my DSs have never been this confrontational. but when they behaved badly in theri early teens I mirrored them. If they said: I SAID I DON'T WANT BEANS, I'd use the exact tone of voice they used to me and say OK, BUT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IN THIS UGLY, VINDICTIVE VOICE. I WAS JUST OFFERING YOU FOOD. Then I'd switch to my normal voice and say, 'Just speak to me like this. I'm your mum and a human being. I don't deserve to be spoken to LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME. It's uglier than you realise and I don't speak to you like that.

No experience of parenting teenagers but got drawn in by your thread title. So feel free to disregard.I agree with counseling for you. I also agree that your youngest might be going through the normal stroppy independent teenage stage. But your eldest is an adult and should be treated as such - she needs to be polite and respectful to you in your home or she doesn't come home. You could sit them both down and have a chat about mutual respect acting like adults and lay down some rules for the home, because it is your house.

Are there any activities at all that you could do with them away from home? Favourite restaurants for lunch sometimes, cinema, anything?

Free counselling - check out your local IAPT program, they should have counselling available.

Oh gosh I was there once. Its awful.
My D was affected very strongly by hormones.
She now looks back and is ashamed about the way she acted but she said it was as if it was out of her control. The brain makes a teenager feel disgust, embarrassment and hatred towards their parents to help them become independent of them. Unfortunately some get this stronger than others. My D went from being a normal happy kid to a monster round me.
I read the book 'get out my life, but first take me and Alex into town'.
It explains what's going on in their brains and gives you strategies to deal with it.
OMG it worked !! I read it when she was 18 , I should have years earlier.
I believed what it said and it worked. Nothing turns perfect but the house became a home again.
Also some good advice , I tried to fix stuff.
Just agree with them. E.g.
I look shit in this dress.
Me- you lovely.
No I don't, what do you know.
Me- why don't you put the blue or red one on they're lovely on you.
I look shit in them too.
Me- but you're gorgeous.
No I'm not, you talk funking shit.
And boom ! The row goes off.

Instead
I look shit in this dress.
Me- I feel like that sometimes. It's a horrid feeling.

She just shrugged and turned away and walked into their bedroom. I stood dumb founded waiting for the onslaught.

Also I wrote her a letter . Not telling her how it feels and that im there for her. That helped as she didn't have to reply , she could think about it.

You can do this. It'll be OK. Your feelings may be triggered from your ex's behaviour.

It’s not the same as detaching from a partner either, it’s the adjustment from having children to having adults. I found it a struggle. You need to do things for you to make you feel good as well as just being a constant calm presence (very difficult sometimes) Chats in the car work better than in the house. Read a few parenting teen books but mostly grit your teeth and hold on.

Oh OP, my heart ached for you reading your post. I can only imagine how hurtful this must feel.

I appreciate you may already have gone down this route, but have you tried talking to them and explaining clearly how their behaviour makes you feel and how it's not acceptable?

As GingerHills mumonthehill and BeanyBops rightly say, there is absolutely no excuse for your eldest to speak to you that way - she clearly doesn't have an issue with coming home or she'd stay away longer, and it isn't acceptable that she speaks to you so disrespectfully.

Have you told her that her tone is incredibly rude and hurtful, and it's not on - you don't speak to her that way and she isn't to do it either? It sounds a long shot, but could you try recording her when she's being vile and play it back to her so she can hear it herself - it might shock her.

As for your younger one - is there something that occasionally you could do together? Watch a movie or a boxset, play a game or visit somewhere that appeals to her, so you can have a shared experience? I know trying to convince a 15 year old to do anything with a parent may be a long shot, but it sounds like you need something to help you gravitate towards each other again instead of heading off into different parts of the house.

It sounds bloody tough, have some from me

If you can’t afford/ can’t find counselling, have a look at this website sarahpfisher.com/

You need to avoid asking questions of snappy young adults. Instead of asking if they've eaten just send a text announcing what food is available for them to help themselves to and leave it at that. Eg "lasagne just out of oven", don't add anything that smacks of emotional involvement like "ive made your favourite".
My horrible snappy 20 year old is now 23 and is less horrible (unless i ask him about his life), I get random hugs iccasionally and compliments on the food and a bit of humour has come back into other conversations. He's still snappy when stressed but usually apologises afterwards (usually by text). I would recommend short texts for communication, takes the pressure off.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I went to bed feeling like shit and have woken up slightly better. Younger one out with dad (let herself out of the house without a word to me even though I called out to have a nice day) and older still sleeping so times like this are quite nice. Going out for lunch and stuff is just a waste of my money. They're on their phones and won't make conversation unless I ask a question and they'll answer that and be done with it. Very hard to keep a conversation going. Same in the car.

Dancing is right, I think lots of it is triggered by ex's behaviour. Everybody's words have helped me more than you know. I have referred myself for help through the website this morning.

When I used to ask a perfectly reasonable question and get a raised voice I used to reply, I am talking to you from the green zone why are you shouting at me from the red zone.

No reply forthcoming as their reaction wasn't justified.

Same thing different words, you appear to be shouting and yet my voice hasn't gone up. Again, no reply.

The teen years were not easy and we appear to be out the other side of it in the main. Good Luck.

I like that line @FinallyFluid

I have misfortune to have older relatives who are kind of screwed up. I can wish the best for them, sometimes even enjoy their company, but definitely try to only interact in small doses. So I have a track record where I emotionally detach without stopping caring completely. This is necessary for my own sanity -- no guilt required!

Similar with my adult DC.

About this:

Me: "Have you eaten?"

Her (shouting): "WELL OF COURSE I HAVE OTHERWISE I'D BE STARVING."

What would happen if you said (very calm tone regardless of your real feelings) "Can you please tell me what was outrageous about what I said?"

It sounds like she shouts out of habit, you may be to raise her self-awareness & get her out of the habit. Get her to think not just react automatically. and if she can't say anything sensible to explain her reaction, calmly ask what are you allowed to say to her without provoking a shout response.

Always point out that they would flip out if you spoke like that to them... This problem is a really hard one for them to justify to selves (eventually; their response may start out defensive, but the simple truth of the situation usually seeps through).