How not to be a helicopter

[HappeeInParis]

DD is 16 and I feel I’m being too much of a helicopter parent. An example- she’s keen on a career in a very niche area. Remarkably, someone came to her school recently to do a talk on the exact job she wants to do- hurrah! So I pointed this out to her then reminded her about it on the morning of the talk.

She came home that day and told me she hadn’t gone because she forgot. This made me feel really disappointed- I mean, too disappointed given it’s just a lunchtime careers talk, in a way that made me think I must be over-invested. But I immediately leapt into action- maybe the talk was recorded? Maybe there’s a way she could email the speaker? Etc etc. But frankly I know that this stuff has to come from her- going to a lunchtime talk isn’t going to make much difference to her career prospects but learning to be self-motivated will make a huge difference. So I need to back off and leave her to it.

It doesn’t help that she’s at a very helicoptery school- an academic independent day school where parents are generally a bit over-involved. So whenever I try to take a step back I worry about all the other parents who are just as bad as I am or worse and are smoothing their kid’s path even more than I am, and I worry that DD will miss out if I don’t do the same. Also how much parental involvement is necessary for things like GCSE revision- obviously DD has to learn to be self-motivated but equally I do actually want to be sure she’s doing enough.

Would be very interested in how other people handle this stuff.

Well done for recognising this in yourself - no mean feat! Others will have better advice but all I can say is that everything you say is right, and that the “smothered kids” may do okay in the next few years/going to uni etc there always comes a point when the safety net slips. The longer the safety net is there the higher for the kid to fall. You’d rather she learnt this lesson now as a teenager rather than in her twenties or thirties with a proper job, mortgage and responsibilities (trust me I’ve seen it happen with friends kids)

It's so hard to get the balance right isn't it ?

We're in Scotland and DS 15 had his Nat 5 German Oral yesterday. If he'd put in a little more work he'd have got enough marks for an A, instead he scraped a B. But I'm so conscious of my DPs picking my O Levels for me and my DM sitting with me every evening while I did my homework and revision that I don't want to make the same mistake with DS. Instead I nagged him a lot, but it didn't work.

I don't know what the answer is. Some of my friends are very forceful about things, others less so. I just want DS to have the options to do what he wants once he knows.

I have one that age and one older and am still working this stuff out. What I have learned is when you leave them to work out their own stuff they often find a better way that you didn’t know about. Eg finding a job and a great course in our case. Trust them to make their own mistakes and figure stuff out. They have a lot of info coming at them that isn’t us - my daughter chose a uni after following various students on YouTube and taking to older students. It worked out very well. She wasn’t bothered about unifrog and all the resources school provided. Your teen might surprise you with the path they take.

I agree it's good that you recognise when to step back. However I don't think you sound helicoptery, I think you just sound caring and supportive of her career interest.
It's very hard to find the balance. Whilst they need to be learning independence and responsibility at this age, the truth is they're still children who need guidance and support. I think it's fine to remind them and give them a nudge.

Ds chose a degree subject a couple of years back. I was massively excited and caused family to give him related presents etc. He didn't show the interest that I expected. He has ended up going for something else, and told me that the previous subject was just something he ended up saying in order to have something to say.

It's easy to say that it has to come from them... but it does. Literally sit on your hands. Post on MN. Anything. Anything to keep you away from pressing them.

My eldest definitely finds me too invested and helicopter-y. I’m so desperate for him to not make the same mistakes as me! I have recognised it in myself. I’ve decided the best thing to do is fill my life with more things of my own to focus on /worry about! So I’ve entered a run that I won’t be quite fit for without some concerted effort and also enrolled in an open university course myself in September. Stuff that fills my mind but isn’t important if the kids did actually need me. It is a bit of shock now that his friends are more important to him to spend time with than us and I can see myself wanting to hold on to him but I know the most important thing is to let him flap those wings and enjoy the moments in between… giving lifts etc.

I think part of this urge comes from a belief that this is our children's one shot at getting it right and if they stuff this up, they've ruined their lives.

This just isn't true. I'm in my 50s and the most successful and happy people i know have either not gone to uni at all and are self made business owners or retrained in their 20s, 30s and 40s.

Personally I went to uni in my mid 20s. Straight after school wasn't right for me. I then retrained in my 40s and am doing something different now. I also know someone who became a midwife in her early 50s. It was something she'd always wanted to do and she decided to go for it.

The school system sell parents and children a predetermined pathway, but it that isn't right for everyone and it doesn't have to be that way. Children need to find their own way into adulthood. Just like we all did.

@rookiemere But I'm so conscious of my DPs picking my O Levels for me and my DM sitting with me every evening while I did my homework and revision that I don't want to make the same mistake with DS That sounds insufferable, poor you. Out of interest, how did you do in your exams with your mom leaving you little space to breathe?

Ds chose a degree subject a couple of years back. I was massively excited and caused family to give him related presents etc. He didn't show the interest that I expected. He has ended up going for something else, and told me that the previous subject was just something he ended up saying in order to have something to say.

Oh God, this is me. Since DD said she was interested in a particular career I've:

• contacted friends who might be able to help with work experience
• researched the best uni courses
• bought her some books and offered to buy her a relevant magazine subscription
• made a big hoo-ha about this school talk

Meanwhile she has:

• forgotten to go to a talk

PMSL. I think you are right about sitting on my hands. Also I'm taking her idea and sort of making it mine No wonder it's not helping.

What I have learned is when you leave them to work out their own stuff they often find a better way that you didn’t know about.

Very good point.

I think part of this urge comes from a belief that this is our children's one shot at getting it right and if they stuff this up, they've ruined their lives.

Yes, I think there's something in this. I think partly it's a rational response to the fact that our kids are genuinely likely to have it harder than we did, and so wanting to give them the best possible start. But also for me there's a big irrational, catastrophising bit in there as well- "DD missed the lunchtime talk in Y11 and so now will never be able to do her dream job!"

Thank you, everyone, for your comments- really helpful. Also nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this stuff.

Thank you, @Blossomandbee

@FinlayRd I got mostly Bs when I should have got As. Ironically what I suspect DS may end up with, even with a less helicoptery DM.

Still I ended up all right. I have a good job as a project manager which I mostly enjoy and which pays the bills. I just feel it's so hard for them these days - I wouldn't have got into uni now with the grades I got, and I was very lucky to be accepted as a graduate trainee with a 2.2.

I’m finding this so tricky at the moment, ds is bright, but just not motivated, I’m trying to encourage him to revise as with a little revision he could really improve his grades, but it seems the more I encourage him, the less engaged he is, so I’m taking a step back and only helping when he asks.

I did impress him this week, showing him some songs on YouTube - there’s some great science ones on the carbon cycle/photosynthesis etc, which will hopefully act as ear worms and cement what he needs to know; but I’ve eased off on the nagging, I’m hoping that this means a calmer home and that’s got to be a good thing as he prepares for his exams.

While I am making an effort to step back, DH is going full on ‘don’t make the mistakes I did’ and can’t understand why ds shuts down, I’m trying to explain to him that ds needs to find his own way, and if that means he needs to take a slightly longer path, then so be it - as it is, it looks as though he’ll get what he needs for college, and then hopefully he’ll be more motivated being in a different environment.

I used to work mornings only. My DDs would often forget their pe kit or a book they needed and text me to drop it off(we lived near the school) and I would oblige to save them getting into trouble. Then I read something about a headteacher who had put a sign up outside the school saying something like “If you’re here to drop something off that your child forgot, turn around and leave. You are not helping them become responsible.”
I stopped and they learnt o deal with the consequences of their poor organisation. It was hard but as soon as I viewed it that way, I didn’t look back.

I work in a school and helicopter parents are exhausting. Stop trying to rescue your children all the time. You're doing them no favours and making a tit out of yourself.

I am the same with my 13 year old.. if I don't tell him to revise / do homework/ pack bag etc it won't get done

I am not like this with my 10 year old as he is far more organised

It's hard to know what to do for the best 😬

You're trying to fix everything which won't help her learn how to be proactive about doing it on her own.

Did you read that book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" when she was younger? Maybe break that out again. It has a great section about listening without trying to fix the problem. If you haven't read it, there is a version specifically for teens which is probably worth buying.