Teenage boys

[newtoallthisshizzle]

Hi
anyone else having issues with teenage boys (ha!).
single auntie with sole responsibility for two boys, 11 and 13. youngest has been an absolute shit over half term, demanding, insulting, demeaning overall being really vindictive to me. Elder brother has been fine and neutral. Fast foward this week, pushing the boundaries with going to school on time but eventually going. Coming back later and later from school such that I have had to call him (he never answers) to find out where he is. calls me demanding i put some money on his card because he wants to get some macdonalds after school (or some such). Comes home, is overly obsequeous to me being really pleasant and I think ok something is up but leave it. He then says politely that he's just popping upstairs to the toilet where he proceeds to kick his younger brother then kick the bedroom door off its hinges. then he heads out and up the street with me chasing after him whereupon he tells me he;s going to the park. I have noticed that this is a common pattern where something innocuous will happen early in a very calm week, he will push boundaries time wise then when the time comes for us all to do the calm thing we want to do, he will be very polite and use professional language before it all kicks off and ruins the evening and weekend.
It seems like he simply can't countenance being in a calm environment and has to spoil it in some way to make it normal. This was a common theme in my childhood and I'm worried this is a family pattern repeating but I'm at my wit's end as to how to handle this. He hasn't apologised and now I'm expected to walk to the market (as planned) to get them some dinner. All the while I'm resenting having to feed the fuc&ers but knowing I have to. Any advice on how to de-escalate the situation?
Thanks in advance

I wonder if heart of it is attention seeking

What’s the background? Why are they with you and how long have they been there?

Is something going on at school, bullying or other behaviour? I think I’d try and delve deeper to see what’s behind it. You could also try calmly telling him you won’t tolerate this behaviour (even if it means cutting off their Wi-Fi and not giving them cash to enjoy themselves)

Call social services OP, they need to help you.
Push them hard as they'll want to wash their hands off you.

Ok there’s a lot of info missing. How long are they with you for- is it going to be permanent? If so I can only imagine something traumatic has happened to lead to this. You allude to your nephew not being able to countenance calm and engineering situations of conflict- was his first home violent/ chaotic? If this is the case I agree, you need help and guidance. It’s going to take time to find a modus vivendi , it must be like adopting teenagers. I’m a parent to teenagers and sometimes it’s about having faith, in the face of difficulty and conflict. Sometimes all you can do is stay calm and be consistent and hope things get better, but frankly that can demand the patience of a saint. . My eldest is now 18 and a much nicer, more predictable person than he was at 13.

Aware missing some information. Mother is in hospital being treated aggressively for cancer. Father is hugely chaotic and in and out of their lives but pretty inconsistent. Mother asked me to come take care of them as she didn’t have faith in the father’s commitment or capability to look after them. Fingers crossed it won’t be for much longer and I can go back to being favourite auntie again. Think I was just ranting as I’d had enough of the horrible behaviour and also felt aggrieved that their dad never saw this behaviour, was just the one who turned up (eventually) had a great time then left me to pick up the pieces afterwards. The kids have had a chaotic upbringing anyway so they’re never going to be saints. Couple this with puberty and current events And it’s a tinder box ready to go off.

It sounds like the son has developed some
very dysfunctional ways of getting attention. With a chaotic father and a very ill mother this is maybe not a surprise. He’s had to deal with quite a bit of uncertainty and conflict in his life and that can become a kind of addictive environment . That doesn’t mean you have to accept appalling behaviour. I think you’d be within your rights to have a tough talk with him and also to signal the bad behaviour is an aberration, not the norm . Any anger , shouting etc from you will entrench the behaviour. Just saying that because I also come from quite a
volatile family with a father who’d shout, fly into rages, hit and I had a struggle not to duplicate this with my kids. My husband’s unwillingness to countenance this line of behaviour helped me move away from being a shouty, violent mother.

Hi, just wanted to introduce myself. I'm a recently divorced Mum of two boys 14 and 16. My 14 year and I have always had a really close bond but over the last six months he has changed. He has become moody, angry and argumentative. He is quite disrespectful and getting into trouble at school. I have tried to talk to him but all I get is the grunt of "I'm fine". Is this normal? I can't use my eldest son as a guide as he's autistic and hasn't ever really been talkative or expressive with his emotions. feel very lost.

Oh op them, they are going through a lot. Look, teenage boys can be absolutely vile at the best of times but they are clearly having a tough time. Can you contact their school...maybe the pastoral lead and ask for some support? In the meantime, stay calm, don't take their behaviour personally and speak to them kindly even when you want to scream at them...it really makes a difference.

Thanks @whataboutbob! I’ve tried the not shouting method and so far it seems to be working! I’m counting 4 days now where the eldest hasn’t woken the youngest in the morning aggressively or picked a fight for nothing. The peace has given us all space to breathe and to speak with civility to each other. Their dad didn’t turn up this weekend again so there was some disappointment but I had already planned some backup activities which worked really well. Keeping calm, not shouting or being triggered (as much as that has been so difficult for me lol) has made such a difference. I hope it lasts! If it doesn’t I hope to have had long enough peace of late to not react aggressively as I normally would.

And thanks everyone for your advice! I think school is more involved now rather than just assuming they’re “bunking off” (wtf?!?!?). I’ve developed an excellent v-flick behind closed doors now though, as well as an internal eye roll. Keep going. As I’ve told their mother, I’m not giving up on them ever so we have to get through this as peacefully as we can. My therapist is doing double duty at the moment though lol.

All I can say is you’re not alone! They are vile at the best of times.

You sound like a lovely aunty op... they're lucky to have you

Good on you! I think teenagers look disinterested and too cool for school but actually are really clocking adult behaviour and using it to calibrate their own. Even if you don’t immediately see the benefits ( and it sounds like you have done) in the long term spending time with a calmer adult ( even if it’s a facade half of the time) will do them good.

Wow good on you, I think you are amazing. 💐

Mother of two teenage boys here. Neither has had anything remotely traumatic happen in their lives and they can still be pretty hard work at times. Youngest in particular seems constantly negative, sullen and can turn hostile over the slightest thing. So yes it is tough anyway and must be infinitely more so if they have a sick mother and useless chaotic father.

Cant advise much except keep calm and consistent and bear in mind that a lot of what you see will be coming from a place of insecurity and fear. If there is anything you all like doing that builds common ground then try and build that into your daily lives to create some positives.