New to parenting teens

[Shebacatofnewcastle]

My 13 year old dd suddenly has the stereotypical teenage attitude lately and I’m at a loss with how to handle it.
Sometimes she can be awful and disrespectful with comments such as ‘oh whatever, I don’t care leave me alone, mind your business, I’ll do what I want thanks, you’re all annoying me so stop and I won’t say anything.’
I do tell her I’m not happy with her attitude and how she speaks to me and she will lose access to her iPhone for the day, but it doesn’t stop her from doing it again the next day.
She will argue with her 10 year old sister and make hurtful comments to make her cry. Even her friends have told her she’s being nasty and they’d never speak to their mum like that.
I feel like she hates me when we used to be so close. I haven’t been with her dad since she was young, but when she visits him she is happy and smily so it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong.
We had a lovely day arranged on Sunday to meet family for a picnic, she ignored everyone and sulked on a bench by herself all afternoon.
I feel so helpless that I don’t know how to parent my child now she is in this stage and it’s starting to upset me that I feel anger towards her and would prefer her to sit on her phone quietly so I don’t have to deal with her anymore.
She was a lovely sweet child growing up so her change happening out of the blue has come as a shock. There isn’t anything going on in school as I’ve already considered and asked that, her dad has too and got the same response.
I have no experience with teenagers at all and I can’t even compare to my own teen years or how I was parented as I was abused and in care by then.
Can anyone offer some advice with how they deal with this with their DC? Please be gentle I already feel like a failure

I have two teenagers 18 DD and 17 DS. I would say choose your battles wisely and remember most teens can be grouchy. Moody and sulking in front of family, her loss she is the one who looks rude not you. Cheeky and rude no way, nip it in the bud now before she thinks its ok. I have never tolerated either of mine to be cheeky towards me, there has to be consequences to her actions and follow through. I remember feeling like I was sailing out in a boat at sea alone with no idea of how to navigate it, also had just split up with exh so was I was all alone. Now though they are bloody brilliant and the 3 of us have a happy house, DD off to Uni this year and I will feel like my arm has been cut off!

I do tell her I’m not happy with her attitude and how she speaks to me and she will lose access to her iPhone for the day, but it doesn’t stop her from doing it again the next day.

Drop the threat then -- it doesn't work. It won't help you to be bossy.
Don't deny your feelings, though, ppl need to talk about feelings. Don't talk about her 'attitude' if you can help it -- just go straight for "I feel upset when you talk to people like that."

Was the family event optional for her? Don't presume you can decide her time or attitude. If she's unhappy, let her express that.

You're trying to guide her to see for herself when she's been unkind to others a simple "How would you feel if I spoke to you like that?" can do a lot. Ultimately you're not trying to get her to justify her harsh words to you you want her to justify her behaviour to herself.

Thanks for replies, I will take on board what you’ve said and try them tomorrow. If I ask her questions such as how would you feel, she replies with ‘I wouldn’t care’. Nothing seems to bother her in the slightest. I asked her for a hug earlier when she seemed in a happier mood laughing with her sister, and she told me to go away. I told her that wasn’t very nice and she said she doesn’t care. It makes me feel like I must be an awful mother and that she hates me the way I hated my mother. That scares me a lot. I feel like I have done a good job raising her and her sister, but maybe I have failed somewhere. She didn’t want to come no, but I object to her staying home every time we go out as I feel it’s anti social and I don’t want it to become a habit. She usually enjoys things we do out of the house so I wasn’t expecting a strop.

I am at the same stage as you (DCs 13 and 10).

Best advice was from old friend with older kids - don't take it PERSONALLY when they are grumpy and rude. Perhaps if you are a single mum it might be harder as you may not feel you have a DH to be your ally.

Call her out on her behaviour, don't put up with it, set boundaries but do so as if you were a firm but kind teacher at her school. Don't feel hurt or betrayed or let down by her. Don't worry that you've lost her forever - you haven't.

Keep the likes of communication open with her but don't let your own emotional needs to feel close to her and like it is always 100% ok get muddled up in all this.

Not always easy when they look at you as if you crawled out from under a stone - when you were trying to do a nice thing for them. My Dd could kill with a look, if I allowed her to affect me so much 😉

Ime teens practice attitude. . Remind her she isn't a girl from school and you have expectations on how she must speak to you as her dm.

Thank you I’ll avoid her like the plague until she’s 18 then

Aw I was like this as a teen. It really wasn't personal against my mum. They really can't help it it's a developmental thing where they find their parents totally cringey. I remember it so well. Their brains are actually more like toddlers at this age I think.

Hi op... I have a 13 year old daughter too and reading what you're have wrote reminds me
Of my teenager...
I'm
Having trouble with her attitude myself... she talks to her 7 year old sister like she is from the streets.. the slang these days is ridiculous.... my 2 daughters are constantly arguing... anyway when my 13 year old daughter acts up I take all technology away from her, make her sit in her bedroom until she realises what she has done. I also make her right down what she has done and how she is going to change it ... to a degree it's working but to be honest hun when they are in school there attitude changes.... you will just need to correct the situation with your daughter and tell her that your not standing for the attitude and that your ain't her friend your mum and if she carries on she will be punished.