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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old boy doesn't want to do anything

21 replies

Remmy123 · 28/02/2022 09:56

My son is 13.

He has stopped playing football for his club (still does school football) but was a keen player from the age of 5 so I feel sad about this.'

Weekends consist of him on his pc gaming and chatting with his mates. Sometimes goes to the gym.

I have to force him to go out, he has become very lazy. If I said we are going to the beach for the day for example he would just moan so we tend not to bother...

Is this normal teen stuff or should I be making him do more? I'm worried he is isolating himself.

He has lots of friends at school.

Thanks

OP posts:
Seeline · 28/02/2022 09:59

I don't think you can force him to do more.

If he is really gaming all weekend, I think I would be limiting that. If he can't do that, he may look for other things to do.

It does sound pretty normal though.

PinkSyCo · 28/02/2022 09:59

Very normal. No 13 year old wants to go to the beach with their parents I’m afraid. Sad but true.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/02/2022 10:03

Normal- not sure on a solution.

gardenhelpneeded · 28/02/2022 10:05

Maybe say he needs to doone family thing and get him to choose?

Original poster
Remmy123 · 28/02/2022 10:25

Thanks all - I have been thinking that at this age dragging a teenager where they do not want to go isn't fair - but I am continuously questioning my parenting with a teen!!

If we all went away for the weekend and left him all alone he would love it!!

Think I feel a bit sad that he has gone from such a keen footballer (x4 times a week) to just school football and even that he can't really be bothered either!!

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 28/02/2022 10:45

Think I feel a bit sad that he has gone from such a keen footballer (x4 times a week) to just school football and even that he can't really be bothered either!!

My 3 boys did were the same. They all loved football and were so good at it that I had dreams that they would end up playing for England and be able to keep me in the manner I’m UNaccustomed to, but they all dropped out by the time they were 15. Most disappointing Sad

waterrat · 28/02/2022 21:07

Is there any way you could set some rules that screen time has to be balanced by being out of thr house or having other activities at weekends? I can imagine that's gutting about the football.

MissyB1 · 28/02/2022 21:11

Mum of a 13 year old ds here. Bloody hard watching the change in them I know. Mine does after school clubs at least, only because they are actually at school and his mates do them. But yes far too much screen time for my liking, and he won’t do anything with us!
I don’t have any answers I’m afraid. I’m stumbling my way through all this.

Felic23 · 28/02/2022 21:53

Mine is the same and also used to LOVE football. 13 now and only enjoys gaming :/

Halloweenbiscuits · 28/02/2022 22:00

Mine is 13 tomorrow (yr 8) and he has a screen time limit of 5 hours a day at the weekend. Outside of that he has to find something else to do. Helps a bit with them being more willing to do other stuff when screens isn't a choice all the time. I know it's hard though.. they're so annoying at this age!

bleuvert · 28/02/2022 22:12

Agree that if you limit the screen time he'll be more likely to engage with other stuff. If he's only gaming for a couple of hours a day then that leaves plenty of time to do other things (or be very bored). I think he's still quite young to be giving up on the idea of family activities. Mine's a bit less enthusiastic about family outings now, but actually still enjoys doing stuff with us once he's out. I wouldn't be making it a choice at that age tbh. Maybe the morning doing some stuff with the family and then he gets the afternoon to game with his mates, or whatever?

Original poster
Remmy123 · 01/03/2022 09:04

Thanks all .. seems a common theme amongst boys!

He has even been trying to get days off school claiming to have sore throat etc so he can be at home (we absolutely do not let them on thier computers when off sick)

It's like he had become incedibly lazy literally since his 13th birthday.

Suggestion of limiting screen time need to happen as it's all day then at night.. I then feel bad telling him to come off because all his mates are on there!!! 😬😬

I just worry about his lack of enthusiasm for anything, including school!

OP posts:
APretADay · 02/03/2022 22:35

It's not just boys!! I am apparently a horrible mother to DD12 because I'm setting a screen time limit of 5 hours on weekdays (because it's been from the moment she gets home till bed - plus before school, so way more). Would like it to be less, but taking it one step at a time!!

And apparently no one else has to be asleep as early. I reckon by 10.30 is the absolute latest on a school night. Is that anything like what others do?

We also have the not wanting to do family things issue. Makes me so sad.

bleuvert · 03/03/2022 07:55

Can you adapt family outings to include more elements that the kids will actively enjoy as well as you? This has worked well for us. So 'let's go for a walk' becomes 'let's walk over to that new pub for Sunday lunch, I hear they do great burgers'. A family cycle ride becomes a family bowling trip. A cultural trip to London becomes a couple of hours in a museum/gallery offset by a nice lunch and a trip to Forbidden Planet or a big gaming shop. Trips to the shops, or a stately home, or any form of walk, invariably involve a cafe or ice cream. This has made trips out more expensive, but we do them less often. I'll worry about the sugar intake later

Polyanthus2 · 03/03/2022 08:00

I would say he needs to play a sport a couple of times a week, not just school, to be allowed to sit gaming for hours.
Tennis, swimming, football whichever he prefers.

Roselilly36 · 03/03/2022 08:08

I have two DS’ totally normal.

Roselilly36 · 03/03/2022 08:11

@Polyanthus2

I would say he needs to play a sport a couple of times a week, not just school, to be allowed to sit gaming for hours. Tennis, swimming, football whichever he prefers.
😂
cushioncovers · 03/03/2022 08:20

Hi op my teenagers went through this stage. They did nothing but gaming in their bedrooms as soon as they hit the teenage years. I felt like I had failed as a parent and that they would lack any social skills and have no friends but fast forward several years and they are absolutely fine. They are fully functioning adults with jobs, girlfriends and busy social lives.

Polyanthus2 · 03/03/2022 08:31

I'd just been reading www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/4493364-Young-men-who-do-nothing-mental-health
I don't think all leave it behind naturally

BertieBotts · 03/03/2022 09:08

My 13yo DS can be a bit like this too.

I would say about 80% of the time we leave him to it or let him choose, but 10-20% of the time we decide that it's a family outing so he needs to come - it works best if you give them warning in advance, and do at least try to make it appealing, even if it just means a stop in McDonalds or for ice cream, but a new place or a place with stuff to do rather than just a walk is a winner as well.

I had also been nagging him (annoying me :o) to join some kind of club or interest. I don't care what it is - coding, trading cards, comics all fine - but video games can be addictive, and (privately) game culture can be aggressive/white-male centric and I don't want that being his entire identity, so I said he needed to pick at least one other thing. He now does volleyball through school (not UK - has less of a "girly" reputation here) and is learning the keyboard through an app. He also goes to the library and manga store and reads manga, luckily his friends like that too so they encourage each other. And he's started arranging cinema trips with friends too which is great. It took breaking away from the games as the only interest to get the other stuff to start snowballing. It is also beneficial for them to have more than one friendship group, I think (though he doesn't).

Screen time is limited to max 4 hours per day. Split between phone/xbox (and computer, but computer/xbox is linked) and he has to ask if he wants time transferring between them. And he needs to have done his daily jobs, homework, study for any upcoming tests etc if he wants more time.

Also we try to limit our screen time as adults so that not all of our hobbies are on the computer, which is tricky - DH and I both play games (so we do understand that it can be a real/constructive/social hobby too) and I don't have a lot going on that's not online so it's worth looking at your own habits too.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 03/03/2022 11:26

Thanks for the messages!!

Well he didn't bother with school football this week because he 'has a bad knee' - this weekend I have told him to arrange to meet a friend at the gym as not sitting on pc all weekend Otherwise I'll fling it out of the window!!! 😬

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