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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Feeling trapped by stick in the mud, anxious teen.

25 replies

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 15:51

Dd( 13.5) never usually wants to go anywhere with me unless it involves shopping or a posh meal out. Both these things are expensive and hate shopping. She has said no to pony trekking, art galleries, walking, anywhere "tacky" ( she is a bit snobby!). She won't go and see certain family members ( but loves her grampy).
We are hoping to book a holiday to Corfu as we. are very lucky but dd says she dosn't fancy Greece but she's love to go to Barbados or Paris! ( god...that makes her sound ruined!) Of course that gets short shrift from me but i think social media such as insta has made her very entitled. I am not happy about her being on it but like many teens she is surgically attached to her phone.
She normally spends a lot of time with her friends which i encourage as i believe it's good for her and me as she can be very stubborn and hard work and i like the break.
Over half term she had covid so obviously was housebound and bored but otherwise ok in herself. For the 2 weeks before that she was suffering from heart palpitations...she was scared and the paramedic said it was caused by extreme anxiety. She has lots of friends but finds school stressful and as one of the popular crowd i think the pressure to be " cool," or perfect weighs heavily on her. I just feel very trapped atm. She dosn't want me to go far...she just wants me to be in the house which is fine when she has covid but in the long run, not great. I have been sleeping in her room since the anxiety started.
To her credit, she decided she wanted to do D of E off her own back ages ago and can be very kind but i just want to go out and do stuff . Normally i go out and leave her at home even though i miss her, i cannot force her and drag round a sulky teen. Since the anxiety started i have to be around and of course I am but i feel very trapped. If she wanted to come out with us i would feel so much happier.
I know its not her fault, i am trying my best to help her but im worried about her and my sanity! Sorry for rambling on.

OP posts:

Whattochoosenow · 27/02/2022 15:59

This doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship for either of you to be honest. I think I would start with moving back to your own bedroom, and I would be quite firm about this. It’s about giving her the tools to help her overcome her anxiety rather than giving into it. What does she think will happen if you sleep in your own bed? The answer is that nothing bad will.

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 16:04

..during half term last werk she had a nightmare that someone was in her room so i started sleeping in there since then ....we think it was due to the covid delerium.
I always coslept till she was 7 and she has done well until recently. ...i don't think sleeping in the same room as a distressed teen with covid is unhealthy.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 16:05

But yeah...i would love to go bk into my own room.

OP posts:

Whattochoosenow · 27/02/2022 16:10

You posted for advice because you feel trapped by her behaviour….

collieresponder88 · 27/02/2022 16:11

Have you got her any counselling. She may need to talk her feelings through with someone impartial. The first part of your post is making her sound incredibly spoilt. I would just choose where you go on holiday she doesn't get a say in it. Also being on her phone all the time isn't healthy so maybe have set times for breaks from it and suggest walking with her somewhere nice and quiet if she's worried about seeing people. Encourage meeting her friends in real life rather than talking on the phone all the time.

MrsWooster · 27/02/2022 16:16

‘Dd never WANTS to go anywhere…” seems to be half the problem. Get her off insta, get her out into the world. Tell her she’s coming with you to do x, y or z. Tell her you’ve booked a pony trekking day and she IS coming-if she hates it, she doesn’t have to do it again.
She should as like she has too much responsibility too young about deciding what she’s doing in her life. You can be the safe parent by telling her rather than always asking.

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 16:21

Well she came paddle boarding once and liked it but wouldn't go out again.It is such a struggle to get her out. Think tantrums etc. She is very willful so i think i gave made a rod for my own back by letting her stay at home but its easier than dragging round a sulky teen.
To be fair in lockdown she came out on a few walks.
She is spoilt and i don't let her have a say ( she said she was grumbling about hols as she has pmt!).

OP posts:

ItsDinah · 27/02/2022 16:21

Would she stay with grampy while you went to Corfu? A break from each other sounds like it would do you both good. In the long run, it could make her anxiety worse if you continue to stay in her room and never leave her alone. You could try your GP or go privately ( e.g with the Priory) for treatment for anxiety.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/02/2022 16:23

If my DD's mental health was being affected by SM, to the point she can't sleep alone and you called an ambulance I would ban her from it.

A lack of interest in pony trekking is the least of your worries!

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/02/2022 16:23

She shouldn't have insta at 13? My dd is 16 and has never had it (she could now if she wanted but actually appreciates it's probably not a good place for her mental health.)

I wouldn't give her a choice about going places, she's 13 you decide if she's coming with you or not.

The co sleeping I'm a bit 🤷‍♀️ about as occasionally my dd would sleep in my bed at that age if she was feeling anxious.

It sounds like you've fallen into the trap of thinking she's more mature than she actually is. She needs you to be in control and making decisions for her ie no social media.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 27/02/2022 16:24

Honestly if its got to the point of a paramedic having to check her out she is clearly really struggling with her anxiety and I think that needs to be addressed with specific help. I don't think we should underestimate the effect of the last two years on a lot of our children.

On the other hand, the holiday stuff etc. I would nip in the bud right now. It isn't insta thats making her entitled. I would give her an allowance, let her crack on shopping with friends just spending that, rather than you trailing round the shops with her as family time, and she does family stuff the rest of the time, whether its her choice or not.

tiredanddangerous · 27/02/2022 16:41

Firstly, it's perfectly normal for a teenager not to want to hang out with their parents.

Secondly, what help is she receiving for her anxiety?

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 17:00

Help so far is a doctors appointment next week and i have applied to cahms etc

OP posts:

HelenWick · 27/02/2022 17:13

Her anxiety will be compounded by her belief that she is an equal decision making partner in the family. I think that if you tell her you are sleeping in your room but are there is she needs you, that you are choosing where you go on holiday but she can chose what she does in terms of activities when she is there etc you will see an improvement. She is pushing boundaries and not finding a firm line held, this causes rebellion in some, anxiety in others. Rein her in. Take control, do what you want and start role modelling a strong independent woman to her.

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 17:13

She knows she needs help etc.

OP posts:

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 27/02/2022 17:30

At her age - early teens - kids are especially obsessed with fitting in with peers, so that anxiety can peak as they don’t want to stand out.
However, my two eldest are girls (21 &18) and I didn’t give them smartphones until 14 so if she already has one please cut down usage as it is very bad for girls mental health and self-esteem. Don’t let her be addicted with constant access. Put an app on her phone that you control her usage (if you don’t already) she shouldn’t be on more than 2 hrs a day.

My other suggestion is service work. Volunteering together such as at a homeless shelter or any other group is important. She may seem to resent it but my kids all went to a school where it was required and they all say now they are older that it was a worthwhile experience and did challenge their self-obsession. If you just announce it’s something you are doing it needs to be a non negotiable.

Sports and activity are also very important, make sure she is moving. She needs lots of Vitamin D and also B vitamin complex to help with mood. Make sure she is not anemic as a lack of iron can also make you stressed, depressed and lethargic. Diet, exercise and enough sleep (optimum is 10 hrs a night for teens) is crucial for helping mood disorders.

Staying at home obsessing over her phone is very bad for her mental health. You may get tantrums when you change things up, but that just shows you she is addicted and needs a more balanced life.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 27/02/2022 17:32

Also a lot of kids have been experiencing anxiety and depression during lockdown and since as a result of the Covid response. It’s not unusual right now.

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 17:37

She does d of e and that has been a godsend....she has been working on a farm and doing guitar as a result of that...

OP posts:

Innocenta · 27/02/2022 17:37

Does she have Tiktok? The algorithm is very self reinforcing and if you look at content about anything branded then it will send you more and more of it. There are young women and girl oriented subcultures on there which are very focused on shopping, consumption and being hyperfeminine. Do you have any idea if she's involved with this? A few things you've said suggest to me that she might be.

Newnormal99 · 27/02/2022 17:57

My dd is a little younger but she developed some anxiety around going out. She would say she felt sick (and a couple of times was sick - she was fine straight after) We went home a couple of times but I then bought some sick bags and took the approach we were still going and if she was sick we had sick bags we had water and we would be fine.

She has had some sessions with someone to work on this and they told me that had been the best approach - although in the very short term coming home would make her feel better it will just feed in and make the anxiety worse.

Original poster

malificent7 · 27/02/2022 18:08

She does have tiktok. She is very feminine and into tje brands etc.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/02/2022 18:11

Yeeah... I'd be getting rid of tiktok and insta until she's mature enough to cope.

You need to step up, you sound like you're almost intimidated by her.

Blossom64265 · 27/02/2022 18:13

I have a 13yo with anxiety. We have been through psychologists and psychiatrists.

You need to meet her where she is. I would start insisting on multiple activities a week that are not shopping and fashion focused, but that are things she can enjoy. There has to be something. With my dd we all went out and played Pokémon for months on end. She hated going for walks, but we could go out as a family and hunt Pokémon and we had real fun and we got real smiles and excitement from her.

Taking away instagram is tricky because she is using it to communicate with friends. I would make sure you have her account info and tell her you will be using it to log into her account periodically to make sure she is using it properly. Also set screen limits so the phone turns off at bedtime or even an hour before. Or even just limit the number of hours she has access a day.

Innocenta · 27/02/2022 18:21

@OP look up on Google, the search terms 'Tiktok' and the hashtags coquette, dollette / dolette, #hyperfeminine and #oldmoney. These may be the kind of content she's consuming.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 18:29

She’s already in a difficult place so being glued to her phone and god knows what bullshit on tiktok and insta isn’t helping at all. There’s a balance between being social online and getting addicted and sucked into weird worlds on social.

You’re her mum, she’s still young, you can limit her phone use and should. Now.

Why would she want to go and do anything when she can fantasise about shopping and restaurants you couldn’t afford online? She’s still a child. You need to drag her out for walks and fresh air.

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