14 year old son has no friends

[MoominMama9]

My 14 year old son has just spent another school holiday without any friends. He is a quiet boy and quite socially awkward but not to an extreme extent. He previously had a best friend but he has distanced himself from my son for the past year, no reason given but he's hanging around with a different group of friends. Occasionally picks my son up when he has nothing better to do then drops him again. I've explained to my son that he isn't really a good friend if he did this.
He had a small group of friends but they arranged to all meet up in town but didn't invite my son. When he said he'd go with them they kicked him out of the group chat and are giving him the silent treatment. He has no idea what he has done wrong and none of them will tell him, just each blame someone else for kicking him out. I've tried to reassure him that he has done nothing wrong and have encouraged him to try to make new friends, acknowledging that I realise he doesn't find it easy.
He attends army cadets twice a week which he pretty much lives for, he loves it, but so far hasn't made particularly close friendships. Again I've encouraged him to push himself out of his comfort zone and make the first move. He's not sporty and, although he enjoys music, isn't into performance.
I just wondered whether anyone has been through this and could offer any advice please? I feel so sad for him. I don't see my kids through rose tinted glasses but he genuinely is a lovely lad, just not yet ready to get into girls etc so maybe a little behind some of the other boys in his Year. Thank you for taking the time to read this rather long post

I'd look into finding him another club he can enjoy. Maybe scouts? Or a performing arts type thing?

Bless him kids can be so cruel, I would encourage him to start a new club which will help him to meet new friends with similar interests

Teenagers are hideous. I really feel for you and him. No advice here really. My DD went through similar and it is just awful. She came through it in the end. She also joined cadets so twice a week is busy and she eventually plucked up the courage to ask one of the girls there if they wanted to bowling one weekend - she had been given a voucher for Christmas so there was no awkwardness re paying etc (it was a good activity to choose as they had something to do!). They now meet up once a week to do various things.
The cadets weekends away are ramping up now which is helping. She also volunteers one day each weekend in a charity shop which helped the confidence. She has got a new small group of friends at school now. Completely different to her old set and much kinder.
Good Luck

@Platinumclouds

Teenagers are hideous. I really feel for you and him. No advice here really. My DD went through similar and it is just awful. She came through it in the end. She also joined cadets so twice a week is busy and she eventually plucked up the courage to ask one of the girls there if they wanted to bowling one weekend - she had been given a voucher for Christmas so there was no awkwardness re paying etc (it was a good activity to choose as they had something to do!). They now meet up once a week to do various things. The cadets weekends away are ramping up now which is helping. She also volunteers one day each weekend in a charity shop which helped the confidence. She has got a new small group of friends at school now. Completely different to her old set and much kinder. Good Luck

Cadets is a great one my son also does it and absolutely loves it you do so much there and it’s not just physical things.

Thank you for responding. I agree that cadets is brilliant, he loves it and is on a high when he comes home. I'm also looking into police cadets as he said he might like to try that too. I guess I just wanted to hear that others had been through this and come through it in the end so your message really helps x

Has he been assessed for autism? Might be worth considering if he has social difficulties.

He was observed at Primary school but there is nothing to suggest he's autistic. When he is comfortable with people he is very chatty etc, it's more the initial stages, small talk and having the confidence to make the first move.

Oh OP I really can sympathise. I had forgotten how utterly brutal secondary school friendships can be until my DS started last year.

Naively I thought the sort of behaviour you describe happened to girls in the main but boys can be just as bad.

Could you have a talk with the school and see what they advise?

My son is very socially awkward and young for his age (he's 16). He doesn't particularly like going out. Lockdowns were heaven for him! He has friends at school but doesn't see them in holidays. He has some church friends he sees socially sometimes but it makes him a bit anxious. I don't go on about friendships and he seems happy. If your son isn't, and sounds like he does want more from friendships then I'd rl ask him to start getting some numbers from cadet people he gets on with and maybe just pick one or two to invite to cinema. Hey hopefully gradually find a new group but it would be nice to have people he can hang out with in school too.

I agree another structured club or hobby - how does he cope with lunch and breaks at school??

Although he’s not sporty,,would he like things like Ju Jitsu or Karate? I know of a few young people who’ve really made their social lives at these sorts of groups.

I know you said he likes music but not performance – would it be worth joining a local drama group but only doing backstage jobs.

My DD hates being on stage but absolutely loved doing stage management, behind-the-scenes, lighting and the music. Would something like that suit? In my experience drama kids are exceptionally welcoming as they are also often a little bit out of kilter at school. And there is usually a small range of ages so it doesn't matter if someone is young for their age.

My dd had a hideous time in year 8 - all of her friendship group abandoned her and it actually descended in to bullying– to the extent that I had to get the school involved – and her drama group basically saved her social and emotional life.

And they're all still friends – at age 21 and above. Good luck to your son.

It's so horrible when these kind of things happen and I hope he finds his people soon.

Thank you all again for replying. I've been trying to get him to give martial arts a go for the past few years and finally today he has agreed. I think he's starting to realise that sometimes he will need to be the one to make the effort. He is involved in the school production as back stage crew so if he enjoys that I'll suggest he maybe gives the local performance groups a try. He's back to school today so I'll see how he is when he gets home. Thank you all again x

Any drama group will be so glad to have him as most people want to be on stage.

Good luck to him x

Firstly, love to you and your lovely boy. Lockdowns and social distancing has done a real number on our children, and those who already struggled socially are having such a hard time now. It’s so unfair. I wholeheartedly sympathise and feel your and your DS’s pain and the undoubted hurt that goes along with this. My lovely boy was very much part of the “popular” group at Primary. But when he moved up to Secondary - he found it impossible to undertake the necessary levels of abhorrent behaviour required to maintain “popularity” (homophobic language, racism, misogyny, vaping, drinking, and the old classic football, football, football). And if you aren’t willing to crack the “right” jokes or obsess with football - there’s clearly something wrong with you in the eyes of some of these adolescents. He has a tender heart and knows what is right and what is absolutely wrong. It took him a while, but he finally (after many nights of tears, many evenings out with these children that made him hate himself and a fair dollop of counselling) he’s realising these people are not his tribe. And being popular does not mean being liked. And actually, we only need one or two good friends in life. I cannot recommend enough what other posters have said about martial arts. I could literally promise your son, almost every child going to MA is going for a similar reason. And the benefit is huge. Confidence building, team building (and it is a team sport as everyone supports everyone) and is so easy to make friends. Also look out for more random clubs like Mountain Biking, Snow-boarding, Rowing) - the less “obvious” areas of sport - again full of like minded children. You sound like a lovely mum and you’re doing everything right. Don’t forget to give yourself a hug when you hug your DS. Final piece of advice, please let your DS know being thrown out of Snapchat groups, not invited along will be happening to ALL of the boys (and girls) in his year. It’s an absolute given. It won’t feel like that for him, but trust me. It doesn’t matter if you’re liked, adored and loved on Monday, Tuesday is another day in the lives of adolescents these days. And there won’t be one child who won’t experience being shoved out at some point. Which is why having a smaller, more trustworthy friends group is ALWAYS the way to go.

A little bit different as my DS has been diagnosed with an ASD, but he rarely goes out with anyone, except for the rare trip into town after school with some mates.

When we were going through the diagnostic process for him, the issue of lack of socialisation came up and it was pretty apparent that the only one it really bothers is me. He socialises through his swim club, and has friends at school, but those things require so much focus and mental energy that he really needs quiet time at home and during breaks to decompress. If your DS is content, I'd just be happy with that. Friends will come in time.

Reading this it's like what is on mind too.
My son also 14 finds it very hard to make friends as he has selective mustism, once he gets to know someone he can relax and has a great sense of humour, it breaks my heart for him seeing him lonely and bored often. :/

Perhaps take the pressure off. If he loves

...cadets he is obviously getting on ok with ppl there. Maybe they will grow into stronger friendships.

Hi Moomin mama,

im going through this with my son right now and wondered how it had worked out for your son? My son was best friends with a lad for a decade and part of a larger group also but for whatever reason was dropped out of the group 6 months ago. I don’t have a reason why. He is lonely but luckily has a few hobbies to keep him busy but there’s def a gap for him. I blame myself

Sorcha

My son is home schooled because of certain circumstances. He also has no friends and doesn't seem interested in making any. He is very shy and not a conversation person. He sounds just like your son and I'm always worrabout him.

@Led01 im 14 olmost 15 and im having allot of trouble making friends in and out of school most of them ghost me or are just fake do you have any advice or anyone i could talk to. Thanks - Noah Philippe

My advice, as someone who is similar to how you describe your son - is:

1, try lots of new things. For people who find it hard to make friends, it can often take meeting a lot of people for friendship to click.

The truth is that often quieter/shy people need to find a confident person to latch on to. It sounds like your son had that - but it didn't work. My own experience that of my quiet friends, is that as teenagers, you often see a pairing of quit kids with louder and confident kids. When it works well, it is mutually beneficial. The quiet kid, needs the confident kid to actually be the proactive one, initiating the friendship, making plans, affirming the relationship etc.

But often the confident kid gets a lot of it too, especially the reliability and stability that the quiet child provides.

Point is, as a quiet person to find that person who clicks with you, you need to meet a lot of people. Social and confident people can walk into any group and probably make friends. Shy and quiet and socially awkward people can't do that. So even though it is hard, what they actually need is a variety of different environments, to give them the opportunity of finding one person or group that clicks.

If it were me, I would encourage new groups, specifically focused on structured activities (easier for socially awkward people), and related to his existing interests.

DofE? Ten Tours? both contain structured Hiking, one is military linked..

Scouts/outdoor groups, similar to cadets?

Volunteer groups that do activities to help the community?

Wood working, making/building groups = the home for generations of social awkward guys

Bird watching? Photography groups? Model building.. model boats? Warhammer? All good hobbies for boys who don't like crazy social environments.

Have you tried a boardgame group? Amazing for people who have a hard time socially, because after you get pass the fear of joining the group, all of the social interaction happens around structured games. Way easier.

Oh - didn't realize how old this thread was.

I'll leave the advice there though, in case anyone still wants advice.

Thanks