Page 3 | At what age do you allow them to...

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 04/01/2008 20:22

It's the way that they're targeted at young people I don't like. Booze disguised as pop. If you're mature enough to drink then you should be able to stand the taste!

So far my older two have been more sensible with alcohol than I was.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 04/01/2008 20:23

I can't see dd ever drinking. She's 14 now and still only drinks milk and water - and not fizzy water either. She'll be a cheap date

saffy202 · 04/01/2008 20:38

Ds1 asked for a Barcardi Breezer at New Year, with the words, 'I am 14 you know' I gave him a sip of mine but he didn't like it - am hoping that lasts

mumeeee · 04/01/2008 20:40

The age is 16 to be allowed a drink with a meal when with Parents.

Lilymaid · 04/01/2008 22:58

DS1 was going out to pubs in local town from post Y11 onwards when his false ID permitted. Only really drunk once - and he had to clear sick up afterwards. Now at university and scarcely touched a drop over Christmas because he has exams starting next week. DS2 now over 16 and has no interest in drink. He was offered wine/beer/cider over Christmas but preferred to stick to J2O. Not all teenagers drink to excess on a regular basis - though it is worrying that some do.

inthegutter · 06/01/2008 13:12

13/14 was the age when mine started to go to parties where there was alcohol around. Having said that, they tried a bit but really werent interested!
It's tricky cos you're right that year 9/10 seems to be the age for experimentation and exploring how they feel about these things. To just say an outright 'No' is risking alienating your kids from their peers and not equipping them to cope with situations later on. Kids WILL want to push boundaries to an extent and try new things. They're far more likely to have respect for your views if you're not simply saying an outright 'No' but letting them have a bit of rope. Be realistic - I was syphoning off the occasional drinks from my parents cabinet with my mates at about the age of 13! I also went to parties where I came across alcohol.
Getting home after 9 alone - this is a totally separate issue and depends how far/where you live etc. My ds at 13 would certainly walk home up til about 10 pm if only ten minutes away - we live in a small town.

serenity · 06/01/2008 13:54

Hmm, difficult. My eldest is just about to turn 10, which is a bit scary as I have very clear memroies of that age. As others have said, I know what I was 'allowed' to do, and I have a vague idea what DS1 will be allowed to do, but it will all depend on what he's like as a teen I suppose (he's far less worldly than either me or Dh was at the same age)

Go to a party - with booze, depends on the circumstances, if I knew and trusted the parents and knew they'd be there policing it then 14/15, otherwise 16+. I went to my first when I was 14, but I don't think my parents were aware there was drink and I stayed over my friends house afterwards so they didn't even know I got drunk.

get home alone after 9 - summer 13ish, after dark 15ish. I had a 9pm curfew from about 13 iirc

drink booze - at home? No particular age so long as it's tailored, DS1 is allowed very weak shandy now and if they asked to taste something I wouldn't say no. I was drinking the top of my Dads Guinness from a very young age, and he first bought me a whiskey in a pub when I was 15. Unsupervised out of the home, I'd rather 16+ tbh.

stay out all night without checking up on them - we're not talking friends sleepovers here are we, as I don't check up on DS1 now! In fact I don't think I'd 'check up' on them ever, so long as I knew where they were and knew I could contact them in an emergency. I don't think I'd be happy with the friend of a friend, or overnight party at some random persons house until 16+ though. My parents always trusted me to be (roughly) where I said I was, and I hope to be able to be the same with mine.

have a bring a bottle party for them - 17+ with rules.

inthegutter · 06/01/2008 14:22

a very wise post serenity. I definitely agree that as far as parties go, if the parents are going to be there and policing what goes on, then yes, that makes a world of difference from a party where the parents bugger off and let the kids get on with it! I also think it pays to not get too hung up on the alcohol thing - I just don't see how you can realistically prevent your kids from coming across alcohol. It's out there, along with illegal drugs too, in all walks of life, whether your kids live in the city or country, or whether they go to private school or maintained. The only way you can guarantee they won't come across it is to never let them to parties at all, which is going to be far more damaging than maybe having the occasional slurp of drink!
The being out all night thing is a bit more straightforward I think, in that I would always want to know a) where my kids are b) who they are with c) that I can contact them in an emergency. That would apply until they're an adult. If my children still live at home at the age of 18, I'd still want to know basic info like where they're going, when they expect to be back etc - it's a common courtesy of living with people as far as I'm concerned. Of course, if they were 18 and living independently then we just have to let them go and trust that we've given them a good grounding in common sense to be able to make good choices.
Another thought about the party thing.... in my experience (and as a secondary teacher and parent I do know quite a bit about these things!!) remember that teenagers love to exaggerate /embellish etc etc. I've actually dropped my kids at parties (and collected them) where there are adults clearly in control. Yes, there may be a bit of drinking, but the kids are having a great time in a sensible and safe environment. I've then heard at school a few days later about 'that party where everyone was pissed/puking up/pulling everyone else'!! In their dreams most of the time!

tigermoth · 06/01/2008 18:04

That's really interesting about the exaggeration thing, inthegutter - I can well imagine that this goes on at school with children around my son's age - 13/14. I suppose you also need to remember that lots of children are going to parties with booze from a young age if they attend parties with their parents.

Occasionally we're invited as a family to a party, and as our sons are 8 and 13 we don't closely follow them around eagle eyed. There certainly may be bottles of wine freely available for people to help themselves, not to mention stray glasses of half finished alcohol lying around. IME at some point you have to trust your children around alcohol and trust other adults not to condone underage drinking. The one party I have gone to where IMO the adults were being far too tolerant of this, I felt very uncomfortable and we left early.

inthegutter · 06/01/2008 19:22

tigermoth - I absolutely agree that this centres on trust - at some point accepting that your child will come across difficult situations and issues. We have a duty to equip our children to deal with these sensibly and without fear.
It concerns me as a teacher that frequently the parents who by their own admission were underage drinkers/smokers/sexually active etc are often the ones who take a hard line approach - the 'do as I say, not do as I do/did' line. And I think that's a sure way to alienate your kids. Most young people (especially if they're bright) will see through this hypocrisy and won't like it. They'll end up doing whatever it is you don't want them to do, and not respecting you either. I think the OP is kidding herself if she honestly thinks her 14 yr old is not going to go to parties and come across alcohol - unless she stops him going out full stop.I'm sure a better approach is to TALK to our teenagers, set out sensible boundaries and allow them the chance to discover their way in the world rather than trying to mould them into some idealised version.

Kezza7779 · 09/01/2008 00:11

Well,my mum and dad were the mum and dad that had all of our friends round all the time!!! They set us up in the garage with music, kettle, tea, coffee, toaster etc and thats where we spent most of out teens. my parents were the cool parents, BUT the parents that everyone respected. Noone would do anyhing bad or ever lie to my mum and dad. At 15 when my mates started clubbing my mum didnt want me to go, but knowing id find a away she relented and compromised by taking us in to town and picking us up. After i had proved i was responsible enough not to get SMASHED out of my face from week to week she began allowing a local taxi firm to pick me up and so on.

I truly believe its all about compromise, you have to consider what all of the other kids are doing, if your child is the only one that cant do something thats bloody hard for them and in the long run they are likely to rebel and just do it anyway (the peer pressure and desire to be included in what the mates are doing can be too tempting)
This is how i plan to raise mine, i also work in a childrens home for extremely troubled and naughty 11-18 yr olds!!!

Kezza7779 · 09/01/2008 00:13

well said inthegutter

kama · 13/01/2008 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wisteria · 13/01/2008 14:12

Go to a party - with booze (my dd is 14 and I allow her to go to parties where there is alcohol as long as a responsible adult is there and she only has one or two drinks, which she does stick to but I think that is because we have always allowed her to have a drink at home IYSWIM)

get home alone after 9 (not yet and she's 14). I think it will be allowed not this summer but next, when she's 15/16 and it's light out, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy with her walking alone in the dark and will always offer to go and get her to be honest)

drink booze (we've allowed her to have a drink in the house from whenever she asked but only a little bit obviously, I quite often ask her if she fancies a little stubbie of lager on a saturday night if we're having a drink and she always declines)

stay out all night without checking up on them (when she leaves home!)

have a bring a bottle party for them (18)

Tortington · 13/01/2008 14:14

his depends on the child in question

part with booze - my dd went to a party - there wasnt officially booze - she is 14 - i am not as thick as a donkey donger and know that the likleyhood of someone bringing some - as they were 14 was high - so i told her not to drink too much - and that ( it was a weekend) i would be staying sober for the express puposes of emergency phonecall - so appreciate my sacrifice and dont take the piss.

home alone after 9 - erm when its dark....erm....erm...... erm......over 16 and then i might htink about it

my 14 year old partakes occasinally - when we know - as cntrolled by us on special occasions

stay out all night - at a friends? without checking up on them?

erm...14

bring a bottle party - at 18 years old and not before

will now read thread

Wisteria · 13/01/2008 14:23

Oh did you mean stay out all night at a friend's house? If parents there, from whenever I suppose; my 11 yr old was at her friend's from Friday at 4pm until Sat at 6pm and I only text the Mum at 2ish to check she was ok. Am I terrible Mum?

If it was a friend's where I didn't know the parents very well then I always text her/ call her before she goes to bed (not that they generally do go to bed!!)

RTKangaMummy · 13/01/2008 14:25

My DS is 12 and so not there yet

he tried a bit of champagne at Christmas but didn't like it

cory · 14/01/2008 08:59

Can I just mention that it is possible for parents to take a hardline approach without being hypocrites? Mine were certainly hardline in their attitude to alcohol- but then that's how they lived their own life, so hardly hypocritical. It didn't actually have the effect of making me rebel, I had no difficulty in postponing my drinking until I left home. No point in upsetting them, and tbh the weekly getting-sloshed-on-aquavit-to-show-that-we-can ritual of my peers seemed boring and joyless to me. Different at university when drinking was part of socialising. I would have found it silly to do something I didn't like just to annoy my parents, when I knew independence was only a few years away. Perhaps it helped that everybody I knew moved from home when they turned 18, so freedom was clearly in sight.

As it so happens, I don't mind a bit of alcohol myself, so would be quite happy to introduce my children to moderate drinking as they grow up (they can already have sips). But if I was a teetotaller and ours was a non-drinking household, then I wouldn't have any qualms about asking my children to respect that. After all, they get a whole lifetime of being adults and running their own home the way they think is right, so I'd want them to respect my rights of doing the same.