What would you do in my situation?

[whatwouldyoudoheremumofteen]

This might be long and jumbled ......

Divorced abusive DH several years ago. 16 year old DS (HFA) at home about to do GCSEs. He goes through phases where he sees his dad (HFA) regularly and then chooses not to see him at all.

He is currently in a seeing his dad phase. I have always made it clear that it is his choice entirely what he does as long as he makes everyone aware of his plans (in my case, so that I can plan my life).

He can be extremely rude and disrespectful. Tricky, because I understand that I have been his safe place and he can let it all go after a day of coping with the world (HFA), but still, it is hard work and I expect a certain level of respect and kindness. I also think some of it is learned behaviour from his dad.

I live within a stones throw of his school (= expensive area). Since schools went back in January, DS has chosen to commute from his dad's house which adds approx three hours to his school day. His choice, I have offered my opinion, that I think he would be better staying at home during the week, spending every weekend with his dad if he wants to, because it will allow him to work towards his GCSEs - he doesn't want to - fine.

I've been offered a job 60 miles from home. I live where I do because DS is still at school here but have no other ties here really apart from my job. I can go into my new job twice a week, wfh the rest so I could manage for the next two (sixth form years), but the job is actually closer to my ageing father who is on his own (91), so I could imagine moving closer to him and the new job.

DS talks about moving to live with his dad whenever he doesn't like what I have to say. He is going through a really tricky phase. Such a smart arse atm.

I asked him if he knew what he wanted to do longer term this week, saying whatever you want is absolutely fine, etc., etc., his response "I don't know mum, I might want to do half and half for sixth form, so live half with you and half with dad".

He might not get into the sixth form nearby. If he doesn't he'll have to travel to a location that more or less has the same journey from my house or his dad's house. Travel cost from my house is about £1,000 a year, this wouldn't cover the journey from his dad's.

I know he is my son, but I am finding his behaviour and constant disrespect really challenging. I don't want to go into the detail here but he is truly awful at times.

I'm a lone parent, professional job, have never pursued CMS, provide all financial support to DS, extra curricular, tutoring in the two subjects he needs help with for GCSE, phone, pocket money etc., etc..

My thoughts are, if DS's dad is good enough to live with for half the month why doesn't he move there permanently? This would allow me to move closer to my dad and this new job (downsize too so cheaper cost of living). He could spend alternate weekends with me (which has been the pattern with his dad until this current phase).

This isn't how I expected my family life to pan out btw, older kids now in their 20s have nothing to do with their dad.

On one hand I could never not imagine being there for DS, on the other hand he is 16, my dad is 91.

I am sick of DS's behaviour (which is no doubt fuelled by his father at times) and I feel like I am at the whim of the pair of them.

I have no idea what to do tbh. DS can absolutely choose to do what he wants to, but how do I reconcile the fact that his choice might not necessarily really work for my life given that my dad won't be here forever. Or do I just suck it up and stay where I am until DS leaves sixth form?

I don’t understand why you have to stay there if he can still access the school from his dads?

Also I would ask him, if you haven’t, what he would do if you moved?

Personally I wouldn’t base any decision on his poor behaviour, I’d feel that it was ‘blaming him’ for behaving badly. I would though consider a move if I really wanted to be somewhere else, you could help your dad, and your son could still visit regularly out of term.

That’s the problem. He’s never wanted to stay with his dad very often, until recently. Even refusing to go at weekends.

I haven’t asked him what he’d do if I moved because I’m not ready to do that yet.

I stayed here because of the school, well that and I didn’t want to disrupt DC after an awful couple of years. But my house is expensive, mortgage is 39% of my take home pay. I cut my cloth so can afford it, but I really don’t need such a big expensive house - especially if DS spends half of his life at his dad’s.

I was always going to move post sixth form, but this new relationship with his dad and my new job could mean I can move earlier …. But then it might not last and I worry that I’ll have let him down if I move 50-60 miles away for weekend only contact. After all he is only 16.

Not that I’d bring his behaviour into the discussion but it is saved for me so it is very much part of the equation. He is vile 85% of the time.

I only want to move once and the move from a bigger house needs to be to somewhere I want to live long term rather than a smaller house to facilitate DS’s school journey iyswim.