Ideas to encourage 'family' with teens

[MerryMarigold]

I have 3 teens (16,13,13). Increasingly feel we all 'do our own thing' and there's no family stuff going on. They have their own PCs or laptops bought during lockdown for school and seem to be on those or their phones. Ds1 is 'revising' (aka playing FIFA unless nagged and then doing a bit of work).

We do eat together but it will often involve an argument so not really a 'together' feeling. We never, EVER watch TV as a family or even a film (Ds1 16yo will say it's rubbish if it's not a 15 cert and go on his phone/ computer). Very occasionally we play a game but it does feel like a lot of effort compared to watching TV! Family holidays have been challenging due to Covid and DH made redundant (he has a job again now but it's being very tight with money due to anxiety when jobless I think).

What do you all due to encourage a bit of family togetherness? I'm not talking ever single day but maybe a couple of times a week or at the weekend. Am I expecting too much and it's ok/ normal to not spend any time all together? Should I focus on 1:1 time with the kids and not worry about their relationships with each other?

We are the same in our household. 18,16,10. Very little time when we are all together and when it does occasionally happen it usually ends with someone getting snarky with someone else. Never all watch a programme either, have ADHD to contend with so board games have been out for a long time plus DH doesn't like them! One thing that we did all do together after a family meal recently was play a game called Psych on our phones. So they loved it as its an app and it was actually a very funny family hour. Definitely worth a look.
The other thing that seems to bring us together is our new record player and vinyl - the kids have become very involved with it and choosing records and listening together sometimes.
I think that its fine to have a low expectation of togetherness when they are this age and with technology and ease of access to their friends. Just enjoy the moments when they happen and try not to force it i reckon.

Similar ages here (15, 13, 13). One of the 13YOs in particular is quite difficult to lure out of her room. We do watch some TV together (quiz shows and the Apprentice), and we eat dinner together (sometimes this feels like a happy family occasion, but not always by any means!).

We're lucky to able to throw some money at it, and will fairly often go out to eat together or get a takeaway. This works pretty well for us as something to do together that everyone enjoys, but I appreciate that's a luxury if you can do it.

I think you can't force it at this point though, and if 'family activities' aren't really working I'd not worry about it too much and focus on building good relationships with the individuals in the family. My kids do very little all together, but as twosomes they have quite a lot of overlap. I find spending time doing things with any two of the three it completely changes the dynamic and often for the better (e.g. 2 of my 3 love boardgames; 2 love reading and talking about books, 2 love watching/playing sport). Might that be an option?

Very similar here OP, (12,14 and 15) though we do all eat dinner together and it's always nice and chatty. They also all congregate in the kitchen for a chat afterwards and again in my room at bedtime when they all come for a good night hug and tend to chat then too.
None of them argue, thankfully, with either us or each other (not sure how or why, apparently this is unusual!).

But generally everyone is in a different room doing their own thing. We have similar issues to PP re films and board games. Though we did have a very memorable power cut where we all did a jigsaw and played games and it was lovely!

Once a month we manage to get out for a walk, about as often for a meal out (usually breakfast as it's a cheap all you can eat type thing!) but other than that we don't do much together. I think this is normal though, from speaking to other parents.

If you have a beefeater near you kids get breakfast buffet free with a paying adult until 15/16.
So that’s a good way of doing a meal out cheaper.

We have 3 boys aged 18, 16, 12 (ASD).

We had compulsory family film nights in lock down. I always let them choose (had to be suitable for the youngest) and I provided a lot of sweets. They moaned about it but they liked it really. I turned a blind eye to phone usage. We still do this. I am prepared to pay rent for films they will not moan about.

Cards Against Humanity has been very popular, we have the family edition for when the youngest is up and the adult version for when he’s in bed.

I agree with @maudmadrigal that sometimes you have to divide and conquer a bit. You mention 1:1 time and yes I would go for that if it’s less stressful.

I also try to foster them doing things together as their relationships with one another will be the ones that last the longest. A lifetime, I hope.

Finally - this too shall pass. They get older, things change, they find some common ground again. At this age, the dynamics can change quite quickly.

Mine are 16, 14 and 11.

The 16 year old and I walk/ hike together.

The 14 year old games with DH sometimes and they talk about video games, programming, hardware and tech generally, and he games with his brother other times.

I listen and try to understand when the 14 and 11 year old talk about computer games or the 14 year old talks about this dream PC set up or the driving set up he's building (and drive him to the DIY shop to buy supplies) or the 11 year old talks about marvel or greek mythology or the comics he writes...

I attempt, really badly, to play the video games nobody else will play with the 14 or 11 year old because they're the only one who likes that specific game (tbh I only do this rarely if they're having a rough day and I have the day off).

I'm going to a concert with the 16 year old soon (her idea).

The teens talk about music with DH.

A lot of it is about trying to take an interest in things you'd never be interested in unless the person talking was extremely important to you 😜

Also the 14 year old still has time limits set on his gaming devices and phone and joins the family when he's run out of gaming time 🤣 He understands as I frequently mum-splain why this is for his own good - its not worth complaining as I'll start mum-splaining at him again 😜

We do watch films together at weekends. They still want to do this - snacks help.

We go to theme parks together as part of long weekend breaks but only in school holidays.

tbh a lot of it is luck though - my teens are surprisingly civilised and love the youngest openly and actively seek his company. They don't complain about films needing to be suitable for him - but he does get to watch the occasional 15 with the family if its something we judge probably okay, and none of them watch 18s (16 year old would be allowed but doesn't want to especially).

I often think my teens aren't really teen-ing though... I'm honestly not sure why, I think its just personality!

Dh’s Facebook was filled with families doing come dine with me during lockdown.
Each member of the family would plan and cook a meal. “Hosting” the night. Then it’s scored and reviewed.

That seemed popular with teens. As does Jack box games. Another online one where you play on individual devices.

Dh’s Facebook was filled with families doing come dine with me during lockdown.
Each member of the family would plan and cook a meal. “Hosting” the night. Then it’s scored and reviewed.

That gave me a laugh imagining the meals each would make and the accompanying comments! (Not hard to predict).

Great ideas. Thank you. I probably need to relax about it more. I think cheap Airbnb for a few days is always good to get away preferably with no wifi, so need to persuade dh for Easter.

We are moderately luddite with devices and it works. As parents we are not hypocrites - we don't sit on our phones when others are around either. I do post on here but when no one else is around. If we are watching telly etc. we put our phones away.

We play board games, go out for walks, eat together, cook together, watch a chosen TV programme together. You maybe need some appointment to view TV? Get everyone together, make popcorn, chat about it.

I agree with others that a meal out is a great opportunity but otherwise there is very little ‘togetherness’ which does sadden me

Watching movies, divide and conquer (half family time, one parent one child activities), Sunday roast, invite other family with similar aged teens for lunch or supper, go to the cinema together, bowling.

A lot of it is about trying to take an interest in things you'd never be interested in unless the person talking was extremely important to you

I think this is good advice. It's really easy to spend the early days immersed in children's things and then to assume that, once they hit the teen years, it's no longer required, but IME you have to suck it up when it's TikTok memes or obscure US basketball players just as you had to when it was Thomas the Tank Engine or Iggle Piggle.

Re arguing at meal times- what are you arguing about? Would suggest making a vow never to talk about what they should be doing and aren't during meals (don't know whether you are ever tempted to nag but I know I am)- just don't bring up undone homework or whatever, even if it feels like a rare opportunity with a captive audience. OTOH if you're arguing about politics or the state of the modern novel or something, that sounds great.

@BennieAndBert

A lot of it is about trying to take an interest in things you'd never be interested in unless the person talking was extremely important to you

I think this is good advice. It's really easy to spend the early days immersed in children's things and then to assume that, once they hit the teen years, it's no longer required, but IME you have to suck it up when it's TikTok memes or obscure US basketball players just as you had to when it was Thomas the Tank Engine or Iggle Piggle.

Re arguing at meal times- what are you arguing about? Would suggest making a vow never to talk about what they should be doing and aren't during meals (don't know whether you are ever tempted to nag but I know I am)- just don't bring up undone homework or whatever, even if it feels like a rare opportunity with a captive audience. OTOH if you're arguing about politics or the state of the modern novel or something, that sounds great.

Lovely post!

Mine will all turn up for a restaurant meal.

Otherwise I'm just grateful they aren't raging at me or each other.

10 pin bowling was a real hit for us recently.
During lockdown we had "dinner parties" where each person would take responsibility for one course - we probably should go back to that as it worked really well.
Mostly though I think what you describe is really normal.