Is this normal behaviour?

[HouseofSkullduggery]

This is going to be long. Apologies in advance.
Dd 17 (nearly 18) has always been quite hard work if I'm completely honest. She has had completely happy upbringing, has a younger sibling, wanted for nothing.
Yet since about age 8 has had repeated cahms referrals and counselling for how she feels about herself (she used to threaten to throw herself out of the window). Had eating disorder. Anger issues etc etc. She struggled with high school until Yr 11. Often refused to go. Ended up in a big group friendship with the popular girls whose behaviour wasn't great. She did end up with great gcse results though and is now successfully doing an apprenticeship in a job she enjoys.
So I'd expect all the previous troubles to be over with. And they kind of are but now we have different worries.
She is perfect at work. Gets home and on a bad day she shouts, swears and drinks a ridiculous amount of alcohol. She gets it herself with someone else's id.
She has had problems with drugs last year too but thankfully overcame it.
The main issue now is her behaviour and complete recklessness. She's started going to bars/clubs every weekend. Gets herself absolutely shitfaced. Falls downstairs etc is black and blue after a night out. Manages to get home as street marshals have put her in a taxi several times and I have cash waiting at the door.
I just feel shes out of control and she doesn't care at all. She laughs about it and has zero empathy for what it is doing to us her parents. We dread the weekend. We enjoy a drink ourselves but can never relax and sleep because we are so worried about her. It's taking its toll in our relationship. Massively.
Last night dd got in someone's car who she vaguely knew and went to a club in a different city. Apparently he drove at 100mph. Drunk even more and left her friend. She did come home ok thankfully even though it was 3.30am
I've just spoken to her yet again about the dangers she's in etc etc. She does not give a shit. I've been calm, I've yelled, I've threatened to throw her out. All in the last months but nothing changes.
Realistically she knows we could never kick her out. How could we? It would destroy our family. I'm just wondering if anyone else's kids have been like this then got over it or is there really something 'wrong ' that I'm missing? Like adhd or something.
Would really appreciate some advice (and a handhold as I'm worried sick)

No of course not. Has she ever been assessed for asd or other neurodiversity? Lack of impulse control, unpredictability and dependence on alcohol are red flags.

I was like this aged 17 -20 and got myself into some potentially dangerous situations, looking back I was really lucky that morning too bad happened to me. I know now that my self esteem was incredibly low and I used alcohol and drugs to give me confidences day turn me into the part animal I'd always wanted to be.

My parents did the 'quiet disapproval' thing, they were extremely passive aggressive so made it clear I was a disappointment to them. Unfortunately this fuelled my belief that I was worthless and made my behaviour worse. I'm not sure what the answer is, I'm sorry. It just be horrible seeing your DD doing this to herself.

Being a bit reckless, drinking (to a point), staying out late etc. are all normal, but it sounds like your DD is doing all of these to a dangerous extreme. When combined with the other issues it sounds like she needs some help and quickly.

Does she recognise it's a problem? Would she agree to talk to someone/see her GP?

No it isn't.
But you know that.
Would she be willing to get help?

All of those MH things don’t necessarily disappear, this is her new way of coping.
Is she open to having any counselling ?

Just a thought but have you ever asked her if any one has ever been inappropriate towards her when she was younger? Also I see you say she wanted for nothing when she was young but did she have one on one time with you? Sorry if that seems weird but I went off the rails when I was about 13 as when I was going through a hard time, it felt like my single parent mother was out every evening/night, not getting drunk as such but was part of a pub darts team and I never saw her much so thought why shouldn't I just do my own thing. Regarding the inappropriate thing, I was raped at 17 and although I turned inwards, I know of alot of people who just went reckless and didn't give a shit about anything or anyone after being abused in some way. Whatever it is, you have my total sympathy, it's absolutely awful worrying constantly.

@HouseofSkullduggery

I would try to get her some counselling. She isn't happy. Has she been tested for ASD? Masking is the ability to play a part in school/work and then fallout at home.
Her alcohol use sounds to me like a numbing (she has tried drugs, food control). I was abused as a child and the pain never left me. Perhaps NEuser is right there is some story here.
I have an 18 year old DD and their lives are very complex. Social media has seen to that.
Ask her gently if she woukd like to talk to someone. Waiting lists are long, you might have to pay or try Barnardos.

Poor you OP. No, this isn't normal.

I think she would be open to some counselling but of course the waiting lists are huge and I would likely struggle to pay privately. I'm assuming the costs are high. Not convinced it would do anything however as she's had about 4 lots over the years and it hasn't changed anything.
She had a lovely childhood apart from the issues I mentioned. Always had lots of attention yes. In fact I used to take just her out and do something just us 2 weekly in case she was jealous of her younger sibling.
The numbing makes sense. When she's had meltdowns in the past she's said as much. I don't think she has much self esteem. But then she puts on a stupid voice and says how gorgeous she is and why wouldn't anyone want to look like her!
She is quite immature for her age.

You know OP ASD is no indication of intelligence? I have a number of family members with neuro diverse conditions and different voice projection is typical. My daughter has traits but is not autistic but i know a number of people who have struggled without a proper diagnosis and support. They don't fit in so create a different narrative.

Figs has a facebook page.

Perfectionism, having to try so hard at school/work that she needs to release all of that pressure when she gets home, doing things to excess, unusual sense of danger, struggling with her emotional regulation - it sounds like ADHD to me.

The counseling wouldn't have made any difference as it was trying to treat an issue that wasn't there.

Your daughter sounds like a younger version of myself. I've found ADHD meds to be life-changing.

Thank you. I'm going to try and get her a GP appointment. Easier said than done!

Sounds like my dd who is 18 next week.
7 months ago she was diagnosed with adhd.
Her risk taking and impulsive behaviour coupled with a reliance on alcohol, weed and fags/vapes is so difficult to cope with sometimes

She has also had a lot of therapy, DBT and has a psychiatrist but the behaviour continues.

PM if you like

You might want to take a look at the Parenting Mental Health Facebook group. I found it really useful with my DD.

That must be so difficult for you OP. I have a DD who is nearly 18 and has some of the issues your DD is having. Except she doesn't go out mad drinking or anything but we have found weed in her room and she vapes. We ended up having to go privately to a physcologist and DD is getting the help she needs now.She has dropped out of school and was supposed to be sitting her LC this year so it has been a nightmare but the physcologist says she is showing all signs of ADHD and we will have her assessed after a few nmore sessions with therapy. It is expensive at €100 a session though

Asd/ adhd we're the first things that came to my mind.

Especially the letting loose after work. It's very hard when your ND to be "normal" in the sense the world expects through work and the fall out from that can be greater.

My ds has asd and we have to really manage the expectations of him outside of college (he's also 17) to protect him.