Should I tell my son about his dad’s behaviour?

[Meandmyboy34]

I’ve been divorced from my son’s dad since he was 8. My boy is now 16 and still sees his dad regularly. His dad was (probably still is) a compulsive liar - after 15 years with him there’s so much I didn’t know, so many contradictions. In the end it was his lies and lack of remorse for anything that caused me to leave him.
My son lies occasionally ( I know many teenagers do) but overall he’s a good boy - works hard at school, enjoys spending time with me and does not really cause any issues. However I fall apart when he lies and have become very suspicious ( which I hate) . Should I explain to him more about his dad so he understands why I’m so sensitive to him lying?

I wouldn't, personally. He's at an age when boys' self-images are very fragile and I don't think it would be right to lay his father's faults at his door (which is how I think he would experience it, even if you didn't intend it that way).

He would think that you view him through the lens of "dad's son" all the time and are looking out for the same faults in him. Much better to challenge his lying/other poor behaviour for its own sake, and let him know that you expect better from him because you know he is a good person who knows right from wrong. Leave his father out of it.

No but I would go nuts about the lying.

No.
In fact I would focus more on your own hyper sensitive reaction than anything else.
Do not bring you ds into your old marriage problems.

@coodawoodashooda I do. However I think I need to try not to. After all, were we all completely honest with our parents at 16??

@Josette77 thank you. That’s exactly what I’m trying to focus on. I know I’m probably being unrealistic to expect 100% honesty all the time about everything. I should probably stop asking so many questions too.

A certain amount of deceit at that age is pretty much par for the course, I think. None of us knows for sure what our older teenagers are getting up to all of the time.

That doesn't mean that you can't hold him to account when you catch him out lying, though. He needs to learn that trust works both ways.

@sadpapercourtesan thank you. I’m trying to be realistic but like you say, trying to reiterate how important trust is too. Trouble is he knows his dad has the opposite approach - he has no rules, discipline or consequences for anything.

He'll see his dad for what he is, in his own time. And he'll respect you for bringing him up with morals and caring about what he's up to, even if he doesn't realise it now

@sadpapercourtesan thanks - I really hope so. At the moment I feel like he probably can’t wait to get away from me - away from questions, telling off, explanations about behaviour, etc,etc.

Anyone else got any thoughts?

Just bumping for the evening crowd

Maybe now he's older it might be the time for the "I expect you sometimes wonder why your dad and I split up" conversation? Ask him if he would like you to talk to him about it.

@caranations thank you. He knows about some of it and knows that his dad lies but not all the details. There are some details I would definitely not share with him but have wondered about telling him more about the lies, withholding information, etc and the damage it can do. But as others have said, I don’t want him to feel I think he’s becoming like his dad in those ways. Plus I probably do need to calm down a bit about it all but it’s easier said than done after 15 years of being lied to , gaslighted, etc.

Bump

I suppose the thing is, that if you talk to him about his dad's behaviour he might recognise the beginnings of it in himself, realise the harm it can do, and resolve to not become like that.
As long as you handle it sensitively perhaps it would be good for you both.

I really wouldn't do this.

Teenagers do often tell lies; it's pretty normal. Tackle that and let him know you won't accept it.

But please for the love of God don't bring his father into it. What his father got up to is nothing to do with him.

I have a friend who does this. She's never got over her divorce and a few times when her son has acted up she's told him he's like his father. It's really messed him up, I can't tell you how much.

If you find his behaviour is triggering certain thoughts or feelings in you - which is entirely normal and happens to all of us in all sorts of situations btw - then you need to work on that, possibly with counselling, away from your son.

Your son is not his father and is not your life partner. You don't have the same relationship with him as you would with a partner and the repercussions from him behaving in certain ways are not the same as if a partner had engaged in such behaviour.

Parenting teenagers can be challenging in itself. Don't make it any more difficult than it needs to be.

@Plumface thank you so much for your reply.
That’s exactly it re DS’s behaviour triggering the sane feelings I had when I discovered his dad’s lies. As far as I know DS doesn’t lie regularly and I think he’s sorry - though he’s certainly not very forthcoming with apologies when I bring it up. I guess I should probably just leave it now and hope he’ll be honest in future. In every other way me and DS have great relationship. Lying and secrets just break me though 😢